Top 20 in Top Locks

A cloudy morning with spits of rain never very far away reduced the numbers somewhat at the shop today, but there were still around 35 riders to split into two groups. Steve Warner took a B/C mix into the local lanes while Matt’s man flu comeback ride had around 20 takers, including some pleasing entrants who have been on the fringes of the top group for some time, including Dangerous Dave. After agreeing to set up every man and his dog with a forum account, Matt led his group up the drag past Blue Juice to begin the ride.

MAYBE JEFFREY’S WAS THE RIGHT IDEA AFTER ALL - THIS IS TAILWIND HEAVEN

The first few miles were a bit of a stop-start affair with so many junctions to deal with, not to mention a camper van who couldn’t decide whether or not to let us out just after the Ford car dealership, but soon after we were speeding northwards at a clip of over 25mph as I got talking to Stefan, who’s entering the Liverpool Half Marathon as preparation for his big day in Bolton later this year. What we didn’t know, however, was that this meant I was alongside the toughest nut to crack in today’s peloton, as we would find out later - those two-hour fat-burn runs (apparently NOT including Beast Mode) must really be doing the trick on Saturday mornings, either that or he’s got a full box of Zipvit gels (first shameless plug for the new website there) We continued past Charlie Critchley’s team base round the back of the Scarisbrick Industrial Estate, and then from here, we went onwards to the Martin Inn, even spotting a custom painted HOB bike at the side of the road. Was that one of Charlie’s teammates?  We left him to his own devices and ploughed onwards, keeping the 20mph+ pace going all the way to the corner before Leisure Lakes, whereupon we turned right towards the first real fun part of today’s ride, Greens Lane followed by the local cyclocross course.

5:27:06 - THAT’S NOT COMING OFF THE TOP OF THE LEADERBOARD ALL YEAR

The first rough stretch of road between Mere Brow and the A59 had us all over the place in ones and twos, as in some cases we were struggling to hold onto our front wheels despite at least one of us being in a much better position now he’s fully qualified to join Ian Gallagher in the Orbea Owner’s Club. Well, a head tube stack height of NINE INCHES is a bit ridiculous, no? The by-pass crossing was a major relief even if we could only reach it via a mini-lake strewn across the trail, but no sooner had we reached the safe haven of Lock Lane than the call came out for me to start the running watch. You guessed it - Matt’s Schwalbe Lugano tyre had gone down. So while I chatted to Asda John about bananas, or more specifically one time in France when a group of kids pinched a fallen bunch in the middle of the road - fallen out of a rider’s jersey pocket I might add - Chris assisted Matt in completing the fastest puncture repair ever and it’s fair to say that 5:27:06 is going to remain well out in front for a long time to come. What will come first I wonder - the first sub-5 minute puncture stop or someone getting a perfect score on the upcoming revival of 15 to 1? Either way it’s got to be more entertaining, as well as informative, than another round of “DEAL”, surely? The offer we couldn’t refuse, however, was yet more muddy fun in the form of Lock Lane, where the puddles and muddy stretches were enlivened only by the metal bridge and some farmers having a bit of fun with sawn-off shotguns in the local field. We left them behind and entered Bretherton via the back end route.  Here the first dose of headwind hit, so we were only too happy for Darren to enjoy a duel with Stefan for the rights to use #DRIVEN as their signature. I’ll sit on the fence on that one until Darren tries to squeeze into a pair of my old running shoes and buys a wetsuit, that’ll sort them out. Two people who needed sorting out big-time, though, were two motorists on the Croston-Midge Hall route, the first who seemed extremely reluctant to let us go through a mini-roundabout when we had right of way, then a Kia Picanto driver who couldn’t wait to pass the group despite the presence of a hard object also known as a car coming the other way. Ye gods. Darren and Ian were now leading the pack with the third Formby Squirrel lurking just behind, and as we hurtled past what used to be the “Credit Crunch Buster MOT” garage (they’ve put their price up to £34.95, it had to happen sooner or later I guess)  shouts from the back were heard saying “are you in a hurry to get home”. Well yes we were, not least because we had to do 75 miles pre-rainstorm, and not just because I was ready to give Ian a helping hand out front either. This I duly did when Darren ceded the lead just as we crossed the A49 despite the best efforts of my pump to work itself loose, and the new pairing led the ride all the way to the A6 despite yet another “ease off” call, before we descended Shaw Brow en route to the A674. Soon after Matt joined me out front through Top Locks, with the news that the Hors Cat Climb of the day was about to begin in earnest - and one which I remember quite well from a disastrous club run during Edgey’s golden 2012.

MATT IS TOO SLOW, GET HIM OUT OF THE WAY, HE’S TOO SLOW!

Matt commented that he was carrying a few too many extra pounds to chase us up Briers Brow. So I did my usual stealth trick of sitting on the (recently nudged forward) nose and smashing a medium-sized gear. That usually works, unless you have Charlie to deal with. His sprint past was a blink-and-you-missed it job, but I kept the gap respectable all the way after that, a nice contrast to that dreadful performance in August 2012 when Cameron asked me if I’d had a big breakfast that morning. After Stefan, Darren and then the rest joined us at the junction, it was feeding time indeed, before setting off down the descent prior to the climb of Twist Moor Lane. The pack had turned on its head leaving riders with front wheels sticking through too-small gaps and me reeling off the now-legendary Vettel-Multi-21-Gate line from last year rather than go banging shoulders with El Capitan lest I send him to the floor - I save that trick for cross country league races when it’s me vs. The MACCL Midgets Division in the sprint (they all obliged dutifully last time out). Eventually a few riders got away and parked up at the A675 junction ready to take in the Darwen Triathlon bike course in reverse, and on this stretch of road the tailwind pushed the pace well over 20mph only slowing for the long drag prior to the motorway junction descent, where Matt got his revenge on the Big Bad Chinook for Twist Moor Lane by taking to the WRONG SIDE of the white line and beating the whole group to the flyover. You’d think that soft front tyre would have slowed him up a bit, really. Anyway, we cleared Riley Green and, after letting Darren join Stefan out front for yet another almighty slugfest, turned south once more into the wind.

B IS FOR BRINDLE, BUMPS AND BANG GOES ANOTHER BOTTLE

Soon we were onto the Descent de Brindle - not as quick as some bloke in a banana yellow helmet who flew past us under the influence of who knows what - but quick enough to leave some of us wishing we’d packed on yet more weight in the off-season. Either that or the Giant OCR 2 2006 really was as heavy as I remember it, wrong size or not. Darren used it to good effect to reach the outskirts of Bamber Bridge in the lead, and from here it was a gentle meander through the flat central part of the town interspersed with the occasional steep kick. The last one came just before a junction where me and Stefan sneaked through first, leaving us out front for a good few miles as time and again I ended up blocking most of the road in an attempt not to be seen half-wheeling - as in half-a-wheel off the ground over the speed bumps, that is. Until, of course, we had the next major prang, as my Merida Alloy Bottle Cage lost its Torq drinks bottle. Charlie found the bottle, handed it off and joined me in a 2-up back to the group, but even more bizarre that it was a full seat tube bottle that came loose - I’m sure Matt’s Elite Custom cages are much better. In truth, the loose bottle might well have looked like a tactical ploy to the cynically-minded as it was now Steve Kernigan’s turn to duel with our Ironman aficionado all the way to the roadblock on Longmeanygate. After lifting our bikes - in one case, with the rider still attached to his Prologo saddle - over the kerb that currently passes for the walkway - we continued back to the Texaco garage and over the bridge before turning onto Tinckler’s Lane where the first thoughts of “to stop or not to stop” were bandied around the group.

NEXT TIME IT’S BACON AND EGGS FOR SUNDAY BREAKFAST - EITHER THAT OR A TRIP TO SUBWAY AT THE BP

As we approached Mawdesley I was praying that some would want to go to the cafe as by this time I was a bit lightheaded and was struggling to get enough power down. So it was a relief when Simon signalled right for our favourite lunch stop; I have no idea how Stefan was stil pushing on in Beast Mode if he’d had no breakfast and was down to his last three energy gels. In any case, today’s star rider went straight on at the church while Simon, Wilko and the three squirrels turned right. With everyone else just as knackered as I was no sprint was forthcoming today and we pulled into the car park at 12:20pm ready for food, and lots of it. Or so at least one of us was.

There was quite a nice selection of mini-cakes on show today, including a chocolate orange tiffin for Ian (who apparently chose it on the basis that the orange was healthy) and a far healthier-sized portion of carrot cake for Darren. His choice was only bettered by you-know-who; today’s star item on the table was a pitta bread filled with flaked salmon and prawns in a marie rose sauce. Stefan, if that doesn’t make you hungry just reading about it then I’m going to pay a visit to the Edge Hill Sport Department to find out just how you and these other IMUK elites survive on less than 4,000 calories a day. Anyway, the meal itself was a gem with a generous helping of salad (Dave Sims would approve especially after his Hunter’s Hill running intervals he did today) and, after some interesting conversation about the Great Dun Fell Ride, now rescheduled for Saturday 26 April, we set off into the wind once more, to head home via Curlew Lane.

FOREVER AND ALWAYS, I’M ALWAYS HERE (UNLESS I’M RACING THAT IS)

We turned left out of the car park with Ian as the new ride leader, joined by Simon out front. Soon, though Simon was shouting out “whose idea was this” whereupon he handed over and let Ian draw the short straw by leading on the left while I sat on the right side of Row 1 and got at least a little bit of respite by getting a crosswind respite from the only remaining rider on a bigger bike than mine (what he doesn’t know was that I tried to size his Orbea up during the cafe stop ready for a Snow and Rock raid this Thursday - more details to follow). We crossed the New Lane railway crossing once again, this time trying to hold our breaths while some seemingly radioactive waste/sawdust emanated from one of the control boxes, before heading past the Martin Inn  just as we were informed we could go a little slower if we wanted. Well, we could do but that won’t be an option on the Roman Road in May will it? We nearly got stopped, though, as we turned eastwards towards Charlie’s team HQ before Wilko and Simon left us at Asmall Lane, presumably for one last beast attack up Clieves Hill. Meanwhile, the three squirrels continued to share the workload - but not my dessert of a banana bread oat bar - all the way to the Ship Inn, whereupon we crossed the A5147 for Haskayne. We got stopped at one of the “passing places” but no sooner had we got going than my nemesis appeared not far behind. I know what you’re thinking............Edgey got back from Knowsley Safari Park? No, instead, this was The Hoff’s body double with a steel bike, no helmet, hair flapping in the wind and dressed in jeans and a sweater. It’s not the first time I’ve had a hard time getting rid of him over the moss; he even wrecked my warm up a few weeks back when I was on my TT bike. And yet even with two extra riders to help me out today, “The Hoff” was increasingly difficult to drop over the final two miles, even without the two most memorable bits of Baywatch from the 90’s (Pamela and that epic soundtrack, that is) to accompany us. Eventually the by-pass came into view and, after seeing Darren and Ian on their respective ways home, I rolled home at 2:10pm having covered my longest ride since last June, at 77 miles. A really tough one today but if we end up becoming (Beethoven) Emperors in three month’s time we’ll know that today’s ride made perfectly good sense.

Now for the results, in association with our new partners, Drupal Gardens:

Distance: 124.21km/77.63 miles
Time: 4 hours 32 minutes 2 seconds
Average Speed: 27.4kmh/17.12mph
Dead Inner Tubes: 1
Loose Bike Accessories: 2 on the same bike (guess which one)
Hors Cat Climbs: 1, Briers Brow
Banana Bread Oatbars: 2 from Holland and Barrett
Money Spent Today: £9.70 on fine food - and not too hard on the stomach either

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Greens Lane
(For being exposed to Mother Nature’s 40mph+ gusts and letting Matt’s tyre down. At least the Lock Lane mud run is always a laugh)

Have a good ride next week, I won’t be there as I’m working in Rossendale. In the meantime enjoy the new forum, and don’t forget there’s more to come in Chinook’s corner, especially if I really do get round to picking a new rocketship for summer..........