A is for Autobus

The last of the sunny weather attracted over 40 riders to the shop today for the 9am start. Four groups formed, with Wilko leaidng his leading lights to Brindle for a trip that presumably ended well after the 12noon finish time proposed by the ride leader himself. Meanwhile, the B and C groups headed off in opposite directions with several A group regulars in tow, while 17 riders joined Steve Depport's standard A group on a local loop for those of us who had seats waiting in the pub for what turned out to be the craziest five-goal thriller in Premier League history. The A group headed off last, with Steve leading his cohort out of town past Blue Juice.

PLENTY OF HOOLIGAN HORSEPOWER EARLY DOORS - ANY THUGZ IN TOW?

We began by crossing the A59 past Ormskirk Ford who tried, but narrowly failed to sell me the Ford Fiesta now nestled at Chinook HQ. You might have thought I would bring my new steed to Ormskirk today to get a quick dart home for the match but I needed the headwind miles and as Kevan would say, why make it easy when you can make it hard? We actually got quite an easy opening stanza as the ride past the Kicking Donkey was tailwind assisted with everyone sitting comfortably at tempo intensity. The right side of the formation was the perfect place to be to escape from the 40mph gusts, but that put some of us into quite a precarious position when a rather agitated horse, which wasn't doing a great job of "keeping calm", was held up by its owner just after Heatons Bridge Road, where the local pub was advertising Premier League football. No mention of today's match specifically, but it's nice to know for forward planning/cafe stops on future occasions. We continued past the Martin Inn where someone was waiting for a teammate to join them on their morning ride; I'm sure that's where some of the HOB Race Team meet on occasion. By now I was settled into Row 2 alongside Kuota Paul who now has two working tyres after last week's mud run. We discussed Balotelli's place in the Liverpool system and how he'd be better off at a team like Stoke or Wigan (as in put the ball in the air and hope someone comes down with it) while crossing the railway line and heading northwards towards Martin Mere, where we had to deal with the first friendly motorist of the day in the form of Ford Mondeo Man and also had to do our bit on the front. That always means putting the hammer down and doing a long interval because I've stopped believing in 20 second beast sprints due to the added leg size I've ended up stuck with; I can't blame sticking brake blocks for that, though Craig might, as his brakes were sticking on and just after we got going again, a chain came off at the rear of the pack. We had to keep the pace below 20mph until we reached the A59 while frustrated Howie no end. He wasn't impressed that we only got up to a pretty poor 24mph but as I pointed out, we had 40mph winds plus a load of garbled messages about keeping it steady to contend with, plus not all of us have Token 55mm wheels and race every weekend. The chase ended at Croston where we turned left then right towards the train station roundabout. Here, we aimed east for Midge Hall where apparently the speed demons did actually wait last week when my computer fell off but I didn't have any problem with them racing away in the end because I didn't want any of the second group to fall off their bikes in agony; that can wait for when Wilko's group expands once again in the coming months. We turned right at the Texaco garage for the humpback bridge, and the long straight road to the M6. We hadn't been in this neck of the woods since our encounter with the ice-cream van a few weeks ago but this week's star driver would put in the greatest effort of all time to win the ROTY (Reject of the Year) award. Read on to find our why..........

DO YOU HONESTLY THINK YOU'RE F***ING FUNNY?

As we turned towards the M6 bridge I spotted Giant Defy Man behind me, plus his mate in a winter jacket. I thought they'd jumped on the back of the group while we were backing off from that stupid Range Rover who nearly took the whole group out on a pass up Hunger Hill but in fact they'd come to the shop together this morning. They were enjoying themselves while not being beasted to within an inch of their lives, but the main entertainment of the day was just around the corner - by that I mean the Pepper Lane Chippy roundabout. Here, we turned right towards Standish past the giant LIDL. Usually, we go left somewhere round here at the Kutz hair salon and head for the industrial estate but today, the Autobus would take on a whole new meaning. A silver was parked at a bus stop just prior to the Wigan/Orrell crossroads when he pulled out, and then refused to budge, against the last few riders in the group, including those of us who'd hammered it on the front earlier. Cue the above title line from my mouth and a panic that we might be facing another "dropped" moment for the second week running. Luckily, no-one was in race mode as they parked up in the lay-by after the junction. If I'd known that then the bus wouldn't have ended up within five millimetres of being CHINOOK'D by a Vision T42 wheel, but in any case the bus parked at yet another bus stop while the group broke away down the hill towards Haigh Hall. I thought we might go up the short, steep drag towards the traffic lights but instead we straight-lined the roundabout and headed up the hill towards the east end of Wigan, and the Cherry Tree junction. This was something of a reverse of the route we took on Wigan 10k day but on this side of the road, it included a BUS LANE. You can guess where we're going with this one; Bus Man reappeared and passed us all again, before taking up his position on the left! We were only too happy to get past him once more and leave him for dead once we'd dealt with the junction for the Heinz factory and Winstanleys Bikes, where we chose to stay on the same road a little while longer and plunge down the hill towards Orrell. Here, I ended up alongside Specialized John who I've not ridden with for over two years. He's not long come back from London having spent his time down south doing just about every sport that offeres a beast mode. That set him in good stead for today's ride and indeed the big effort at the end, but more on that later. Before long we were at the Orrell crossroads where apparently the Endurance Store begin their Sunday rides. With no extra triathletes spotted - and the one who cut the chicane at the roundabout doesn't count as an extra - we could battle through Billinge with a few options on the table too.

SOLAR POWER, SUPER POWER - HMCC REALLY IS RISING IN THE WEST NOT JUST THE EAST

Of course you know by now that Rick Taylor got another top-10 at a prestigious hillclimb today. But what you might not know is that Wigan is full of small bungalows with solar panels on the rooves, making for quite an identikit sight through both Wigan and Orrell and making for a rather more "rural" scenery through to Billinge Hill. At this point me and Stephen were leading a Specialized 1-2 at the head of the field, having had to battle to stay on Ian Gallagher's rear wheel up the climb out of Latic Land. Ian was climbing much better than a few months back; maybe that move forward at the club hillclimb really wasn't a one-off after all. His fellow Formby squirrel was intent on pushing the pace into the headwind all the way to the traffic lights before the descent down the main road despite being tempted by the bacon barms on offer in the roadside cafe, and from here it was downhill heaven all the way until a sequence of slippery switchbacks full of bumps and gravel which threatened to play havoc with any part worn tyres. With everyone still upright we came ever so close to Shaley Brow but just as some people started to get pumped up for the big attack of the day we turned left for the Fir Tree Farm. i know what you're thinking, Chinook parked up for a burger and chips? Not at all, even though I was once again coming to the end of my resources. After all, as I pointed out to Steve Depport, there was a really good team on the 1:30pm kickoff today and despite his quick-witted response, no it wasn't QPR. So me and Stephen stayed out front despite struggling to control out bikes with the strong crosswind, while I munched on a Snickers "More Choc" bar to get a turn of speed out of those overweight legs. Rainford soon came into view, at least the end where the Ashurst run sessions take place. At this point Steve informed us that the pace was about to go up. At first I thought this meant we'd put in a pathetic performance but actually he was saying not to worry about any calls to "keep it steady" and instead start an unofficial HMCC road race. And what a road race it turned out to be...........

I KNOW BLOCKBUSTERS WAS UNFAIR WITH TWO BRAINS VERSUS ONE, BUT THIS IS ANOTHER LEVEL ALTOGETHER

Steve suggested a bit of through and off and I thought well, why not, especially as the club MUST move forward and start winning things as a team. Indeed, I ended up picking out two speedsters as potential teammates based on their performance over the final dash from the A570 to the Dog and Gun. Tom put in the hardest punches upon hitting the front and this decimated the numbers capable of doing through and off. In the end he shot off up the road for a solo win while Steve and Howie got together and played 2-up to try and catch the Hercules out front. For my part, I passed Garry Lyon for fourth place just after the D10/1 finish line and kept a watching brief on Steve and Howie's exploits as we slammed those front wheels through tight bends aplenty despite the rather overt attempts form a BMW driver to hold me back for having the arrogance to get in his way on the A506. By the time we reached the final chicane I realised there was no hope of a podium finish so sat back and rolled across the finish line in 4th position while the rest of the group arrived, including Specialized John who didn't look as though he'd lost one iota of pace since we last road together. By this time it was 11:50 and any detour to the Ormskirk car park would have taken us to at least noon so I was only too happy to ride back to Squirrelsville with Ian, who apparently was off to Maghull to watch the match in a non-Hungry Horse establishment while the high-horsepower, no-energy machine next to him tried to keep his aero wheels in a straight line.

We got a bubble car off our tail just before turning off the A59 at the top of the hill. After being backed up to the point of nearly falling sideways on our bikes, we could set about beasting Formby Lane with its shelter from the crosswind, before dealing with a very busy road either side of Farmer Ted's where the wind increased and so did the volume of traffic on the road, particularly at the Col de Horse Stables. After one last beast effort over the Formby Cycles bridge we rolled across the finish line at Tesco lights together and after Ian continued down Altcar Road, I could turn down my driveway and put the bike in the garage at 12:20pm having covered over 60 miles in the last of the warm weather before the reformed Van Nicholas Chinook complete with SRAM Apex 10-speed gearing rolls out of HQ next Sunday. Having had the quickest bath and lunch ever, it was off to the pub for a mistake-ridden game in which one own goal was scored in the first 85 minutes and FOUR more were registered before the final whistle, all enjoyed under the influence of a few pints of Stella. A short but intense ride today, many thanks to Steve Depport for a well-planned route as well as keeping the group together.

Now for the results, brought to you by Tony Fernandes’ losers, Air Asia of Loftus Road:

Distance: 98.66km/61.66 miles

Time: 3:12:08

Average Speed: 30.81kmh/19.26mph

Busted Brakes: 1

Hors Cat Climbs: 0

Buses: 1 who caused no end of trouble

Other friendly motorists: 2

Post Ride Hydration: Three pints of Stella in the Royal, Formby

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Bus Man

(For taking the meaning of “starting an argument in a empty room” to another level - his bus had no takers today)

Let’s go for a hat-trick next week to finish the month off in style. And how about a Halloween café stop too? Shall have to sample some pumpkin pie beforehand in case the Fir Tree Farm are serving it, surely we have to get a rematch with the bus?