H is for Horwich, Hors Cat Climbs and Hungry Horses

With Matt taking the Race group out at 8:30am we had four groups at the shops for the 9am departure. On offer were two B groups, within exist getting 5 takers for those returning, while the General was back with the C's. That left a group of around 16 to join Dave Atkinson for a punishing hilly ride designed to make us all better riders and better people, featuring Matchmoor, easy Belmont and finally Anglezarke. Dave set his group off first, beginning with Dark Lane.

TO BEAT MISSION WINEVERYTHING, FIND THEIR WEAKNESSES AND SCHEME FOR THEM

In a repeat of the Two Mills ride, I joined DNA on the front out of town as we got up to a nice, steady 22mph down the hill as Team 2.0 in their red hoodies walked the same way, possibly the cheerleaders for Old Trafford? In any case the warm sun was getting us up to speed properly for the first time in months as we approached the Hoscar Moss,nowhere four people on what looked like a charity ride training session appeared. One of them seemed to recognise me but I thought most of Team Violet Grace were with St Helens Tri at their club duathlon (my TT bike awaiting the new wheels, now for the results brought to you by..........) but we passed them just before a right turn down the back road to Newburgh. This had the much desired effect of slowing down one of the frontrunners as clearly a Chinook isn't as efficient over cobbles as an S5 with 404's but I was quickly back alongside the club champion and starting with the one liners, the most common being "show me how bad you want it"........well all it took was the notification of the Darley Moor Duathlon on May 26 to get me into beast mode and sorry guys, you'll hear plenty more about it over the next 90 days. Eventually we reached the Beacon and I was forced wide by a couple of riders coming the other way (not wanting to put my foot on the floor) but we only went as far as Lees Lane before going left towards the old Endurance Store. Me and DNA handed over possession of the front to Ian Gallagher who was very strong particularly on the rundown the hill to Appley Bridge, but then the next little ring climb came up, the push to the pumping station. Here, Danny Shearer gave us a taste of why he's fast turning into a 2012 James Edge (note to Kiri Cycles, if he asks for a set of pink wheels don't give him any ideas apart from "Stay Agitated And"..........anyway some of the bigger riders were losing touch a bit here and as the best coach in the club, I had to start using different messages like "you're stronger than you think" and "heave those handlebars" much like most bigger, powerful riders do anyway, or those who push massive gears. No idea who that might be............We reached Wiggo Corner, just failing to catch the rider ahead, before using the junction as an opportunity to remove layers and discuss the next part of the ride which would include Haigh Hall, Rivington and Horwich.

THE THINGS KEV MURPHY WILL DO TO GET IN THE REPORTS (AND I DON'T MEAN BUY FAT BALLS EITHER)

After passing the Pepper Lane Chippy, we rode through Standish with the mysterious Belgium Man now leading the way, and after a few sharp turns through housing estates we reached the climb of Haigh Hall. Here, I remarked to Lynchy that there's a new phrase for pain moments; When Charlotte's Not About, Chinook Will Shout. Ste Francis seemed more interested in the sign for snow (FLAKES) but no-one would be offended by the blackboard we saw in Horwich, but more on that later. Meanwhile we were jammed at the traffic lights on the bridge and only got away under extreme loading of our chains. Mine is certainly ripe for replacing but I'm hopeful that with the winter bike season seemingly shorter than ever, it might just survive until the end. We carried on to Little Scotland and down the descent towards Rivington, crossing the carriageway where I couldn't get my feet out on the 2009 Lancashire Lanes (well before The Edge took over the event three years later). We headed towards the reservoir bridge only for a total IDIOT in an Audi A3 to pass another set of riders coming the other way and zoom past us at 60mph. His wouldn't be the only BOOM BOOM engine we'd hear on this ride either. The road to Horwich high street was spectacularly rough and I was wishing I'd borrowed Faz's R5 (with 120mm stem and a huge stack of spacers) but as we slowed for the lights, I spotted a board which amused me and seemingly no one else noticed it (snowflakes stop reading now please) "Fat Balls Make Birds Come, £1". How no one else saw it I've no idea but we continued with at least one rider enjoying a fit of the giggles on the way to the Matchmoor climb. Here, Kevin Murphy sprinted Usain Bolt style to the hairpin turn and looked like he might pull off something incredible, but Belgium Man (later confirmed as Michael Girvan) used his TCR with SRAM Red to pull away from the three behind him, one of which was me, before we descended the tricky curves to the walled gardens and were lucky not to collide with a bunch of walkers at the foot of the climb. More layers were removed here, but we weren't hanging about for long because the next assignment was past Barrow Bridge Road, past the San Marino Pub (via another round of WTF is wrong with this road) and then the left turn to Belmont.

BREEZIN' UP BELMONT, ATTACKING ON ANGLEZARKE, GOT TO DO BOTH PROPERLY (INCLUDING HOW TO CHANGE GEARS)

It was quite surprising to see relatively little attacking here, presumably because the Kingys (Darren Prout and John Hill) were otherwise engaged, or maybe everyone thought the segment would continue all the way to the bottom of Anglezarke. In any case it was little surprise that the front six, including me and DNA, hit the top together and even less of a surprise that I was the first one to chicken out once the road turned downhill, with Kevin Murphy being star of the show and everyone else wondering how I survived three hours on a MTB in the Yorkshire Dales. We parked up before the descent for the Piano Bar and waited at the turn for the final climb of the day, where a quick check of the watches confirmed it was 11:15am and we had just under three hours to get in front of a TV screen. We therefore pushed on across the bridge and onwards to the hairpin turn, where this time it was my turn to battle with the left shifter, run wide and nearly go CHINOOKING Kuota Kebel Man, who may not have won any awards for fast climbing but definitely deserved the one for mentality.  He'd been battling a chest infection but he was coughing much less than I did a couple of weeks ago after the Bagley Cross Country. Back on Anglezarke, I was now furiously making up places past Horrible Paul Moy who would have thought "that's not very impressive Chinook" but then again if I came first he'd probably say I didn't win convincingly enough (trust me it happened in Israel once, Maccabi Haifa sacked the manager for that very reason despite winning the Israeli Premier League). In the event I was fifth up the climb with Danny Shearer once again playing the opportunist role to perfection, before we descended to the bridge in the presence of yet more speeding motorists coming the other way. A relaxing park up for those who'd beasted the climb followed, with some choice comments about why some summer bikes had appeared so early coming from the odd "character" but one banana later and an exoneration later (me being one person still grinding it out on the winter bike) we set off for White Coppice, then on to Wheelton only being slowed by three horses blocking the road. I wasn't sure quite how quickly we were going to get home until it became apparent we were onto Shaw Brow. One left and one right turn later it was onto Dawsons Lane. Now began the big push for the finish. 

NO NEED FOR THE STARBUCKS DRIVE THRU, JUST GO TO GREGGS

Most people had come out wearing winter jackets. This in itself was surprising given I'd done two beast mode runs in the Dales in full summer kit and as such many were running out of water. So DNA made a sensible call to go to the garage near the big junction for the A49 and get everyone's only bottle refilled. I briefly contemplated the Starbucks drive thru but then went into the main store with everyone else. But would you believe it.........this was Euro Garages, home of not only Starbucks but Greggs where you can now get vegan sausage rolls! So while most queued and were served by some very bemused looking staff who clearly haven't heard of HMCC, I was allowed a free run to the pasty stand where I got my shot of vegan goodness to get me home. Lynchy was grabbing the headlines at this point for his usual selfies (no phone boxes at Euro Garages services) but my tactics would prove to be absolutely critical on the final portion of the ride. Kevin Murphy said "I'm doing f*** all on the front" as we left the forecourt but that wouldn't last long as shortly after Runshaw College me and him were quickly into the lead on the road towards Midge Hall, However, we would turn left fairly sharpish for Eccleston nailing the slight headwind as we did so, and despite being held up behind slow cars we were onto Tincklers Lane pretty quickly which was crucial because whenever anyone else does 20mph out front everyone accepts it, whoever gets alongside me on the front seemingly wants to go to 25mph. So we blasted down the descent to the Robin Hood, and I was briefly contemplating turning off for the Delph to have a dip in the lake but instead we slogged up the climb and allowed everyone back on before taking the shortcut past Cedar Farm. Here, I lost the bottle with the fizz stick in it but with time running short we simply had to push on and get back for the match so I kept cracking the whip all the way to the Eagle and Child, where two more leaders took over for the usual "kill everyone" passage on the Hoscar Moss.

ONE FINAL PUSH/SHOW ME HOW BAD YOU WANT IT/RUN STRAIGHT OFF THE BIKE TO THE 22

We hit the Moss just as a very courteous Ford Fiesta van stopped at the bridge for us, then Michael Girvan saw an opportunity to go for it just after the railway line and took Steve Goff Bike Man with him. I picked up the remnants of those who faltered late to claim third place at the Ring O'Bells, before ending up on the front yet again in what seemed like a scheme to defeat Chinook. As such I was leading all the way down to the 30 sign where one last shout of the middle line in the chapter title saw Danny Shearer serve notice of his intent to go Litherland racing this year and me just about hold onto fifth ahead of our new rider Michael, for whom a SRAM Red TCR apparently counts as a "good weather winter bike".........can't wait to see what he rides in summer! Anyway we went our separate ways and one last YOLO got me home bang on 1pm. And after a quick bath it was time to do yet another beast effort, this time to the 22 for the most frustrating match of the season, indeed Liverpool were rather clinging on by the end on the back of the first own goal I've ever seen disallowed for offside (which was marginal at best). Is this EPL title race going to feel like the last 20 miles of HMCC rides?

Now for the results, brought to you by my new sponsors, KIRI wheels:

Distance: 93.04km
Time: 3:27:03
Average Speed: 26.96kmh
Horses: 3
Hors Cat Climbs: 5
Speeding Motorists: 3
Annoying Traffic Lights: 1
Heroes of the Hour: Kuota Kebel Man for mentality/Danny Shearer for becoming James Edge Mark II

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Sunday Drivers
(That's a joint award to the one in Rivington and the two on the Anglezarke descent)

Enjoy your ride next week, I can't be there as I'm JP'ING in Tarleton. In the meantime enjoy these warm summer rides, oh hang on a minute is it spring yet?