Turbo 20 and Two Triathletes Tackle Tour de Tockholes

Despite the offer of a Tour of Britain ride and the absence of two Ironman 70.3 Dublin entrants we still had over 50 people at the shop for the 9am start today. Four groups formed, with The usual C and B group offerings while John Hesketh took a few B groupies to Ribchester where he would find a café round the back of the A59. That left the remaining 22 riders to join Simon’s A for Army Mentality ride round Brinscall and Belmont before dropping down Sheephouse into the Village Tea Rooms in Rivington. Simon’s group headed off first, beginning with the cobbled run past Cobble.

OH DEAR, A TOYOTA WITH A DRIVER WHO COULDN’T GET EVEN A RELIABLE BRAKE PEDAL TO WORK

I slotted into Row 5 on the left as we crested the short rise out of town en route to Halsall, where you can find quite a few personal targets with regards to future house purchases. At least I’d then be in range of both a Ford dealer and somewhere I could get a draft-legal Cervelo S5 in a hurry, but for our part we were enjoying pretty much the only solid stretch of guaranteed tailwind all day, as the wind would shift round from south-easterly to westerly in the space of just a few hours. We ended up doing a tour of the Scarisbrick/High on Bikes customer catchment area (at least for those who don’t use their Ebay store) and from here, continued onwards past the Martin Inn and towards Curlew. By now I was alongside Paul Moy, who I think is actually contemplating the triathlon life as he’s always quite keen to hear just how many hours training I’ve done. And with good reason too; I was feeling surprisingly tired after a seemingly easy 10-minutes-per-mile hilly trail run lasting over an hour with a few marathon runners yesterday morning (to say nothing of the fact my 5k and 10k PB’s blow theirs out of the water) and I’d really had to grovel my way over to Ormskirk this morning with the speedometer refusing to budge over the 20mph mark. Those of you who follow these reports word-for-word will know I always have this happen every summer holiday as I think “do doubles EVERY DAY” but remember, YOLO. That motivating mentality forcing doubles out of you on a daily basis is what keeps the best on top and indeed, who wouldn’t be inspired after seeing some of my St Helens teammates at the Liverpool Triathlon on Channel 4 yesterday morning (there’s one for your plus boxes if you can get your Smart TV’s to work). We were soon onto Curlew where all thoughts turned to the last time I hit the deck on this northward run. Luckily the road is now much smoother and we could set sail for Rufford, but just as we approached the T-junction a blue Toyota Avensis decided to stick its nose in to try and pass half the group, just as some other driver was coming the other way! Cue the usual “do you honestly think……….” from yours truly, of course. Eventually she would get a 50% share in today’s Reject award, but for my part it cost me six positions as I slowed to take down the details and remember to change gear (even more difficult than normal given I was using 10-speed army tank wheels aboard an 11-speed chain). We changed into a harder gear and reached Rufford in double-quick time and, after crossing the Croston bridges, could turn our attentions to the rural routes to Moss Side. Indeed, a bit of greenery, if not quite moss, would get watered pretty soon as first we took a wrong turn and then we pulled in to water the flowers or, in my case, eat one of the granola bars not used after yesterday’s epic trail run. Hodgy even said “this is the life” and “I’m enjoying this, it’s getting warm” which I’d already worked out hence the decision to remove the arm warmers. The sun got all the brighter as we made our way through Moss Side itself and onwards to Runshaw College, before getting the usual earful from the dogs at the kennels on the A49 crossing. Here, Gareth turned right for home so at least there’d be no danger of him not doing many miles into the wind on the front, but the rest of us were on our way to Whittle-le-Woods, and the first climb of the day, the Col de Brinscall.

B IS FOR BRINSCALL, BUSTED BEARINGS AND “BUY SOME NEW WHEELS”

Simon and Mark led the field as we began the climb but despite passing them before the left-hand turn I found it surprisingly hard to lift my pace and extend the lead. It’s fair to say I’ve not seen either of them climb so well in quite a long time but in any case I was struggling mightily with a set of 2300g winter trainers and even the bearings were sounding about as loud as the roll of a timpani heard on “the rugby tune” which I’m sure we’ll hear much more of in the coming months even if I do prefer rugby league. I parked up a few seconds clear at the crossroads where we counted the remaining 21 riders in, and from here we descended into Brinscall and up Twist Moor Lane, always one of my happy hunting grounds. Today was quite tricky with cyclists coming the other way and a few choice comments from Mark Brownett about something sticking (I’ll let him fill in the gaps on that one, me and Inder agreed it was way too much information to say nothing of my epic fail in the Piano Bar loo later on) but in any case I got to join Simon out front for the long, slow IMUK reverse drag towards Belmont. Here, we got to see a fair few riders on very aggressive TT bikes struggling to get anywhere near their extensions; I do wonder how on earth some people in our club ride lower than that on drops all the way round a Sunday ride. Indeed the Canyon range is one such witness to that statement, but in fact it was “Canyon Man” who had a rather troublesome problem with his chain and this led to quite a split in the pack whereby a select few got away on the descent into Belmont for a quick park-up at the foot of the BIG ONE while the rest arrived in dribs and drabs. A few overshot the turn-off and others got swallowed up by solo riders out on a morning tootle but just after I’d finished examining John Farrington’s Zipp 60’s in readiness for a High on Bikes raid sometime soon, we could set about scaling the biggest climb of the day with the Village Tea Rooms as our ultimate goal.

WHY SETTLE FOR A DOUBLE WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A DOUBLE-DOUBLE?

Paul and A Nother Rider had already got themselves DQ’d for a two-minute headstart because they wouldn’t wait at the base of the climb. So the fight for honours was already thinned out considerably before we even hit the steepest part of the slopes. I rounded up Canyon Man but as soon as I took the lead, Mark Titchener and his Campagnolo Shamal 2-Way Fit specials eased their way past and at this point I was rather thankful I could play the long game and use the headwind as an equaliser; these cheap b****rs were certainly holding me back no end. Eventually I thought I should get on with a proper effort and hauled my ass round his before the final left-right chicane to take the “double” in the dying seconds, but Hodgy and Colin had awoken from their early-morning slumber to join the party by now and this would get mighty interesting on the descent. Here I managed to top 40mph while scaring the life out of a few riders ascending from the other side but Colin and Hodgy in particular absolutely beasted the downhill and must have set new Strava records. You might think Hodgy was preparing for his afternoon job - apparently this meant cutting his lawn instead of watching the 4pm kickoff from the Britannia - but in the end it was only one long, straight downhill and a cattle grid to go before we could park up at the Village Tea Rooms having covered just over 40 miles from home.

We parked the bikes round the back and did a running sprint to get as far up the queue as possible. The cakes were very popular today, and by that I mean with the Keith Bleasdale/Liverpool Phoenix table not just us, but I went one better and ordered the one thing that every menu should have, namely a Cornish pasty with gravy. You can have chips added your plate for an extra £1.30 but I thought better of it and saved the extra cash for a slice of chocolate cake and two cans of 7up. This impressed John no end as he recounted his IMUK tales, including how on earth you can get done for drafting at 10mph up Belmont and the times he nearly CHINOOK’D the runner in front of him………..because they just passed out from lack of energy or dehydration. No wonder so many fail to make the 17-hour cut-off. He was more surprised when I countered that I only do pool based sprint triathlons where it’s all BEAST MODE for an hour; surely you know by know I’d never burn enough fat to complete anything longer, even though his good friend Marc Laithwaite once wrote a very interesting article suggesting that we all have enough body fat (if burnt properly as in DON’T do BEAST MODE on every training session) to fuel five Ironmans in a row! Just before we set off again there was a mad dash for the toilet, but it was so cramped in that little box with a loo in it I had to resort to a bit of disrobing to get comfortable; either the place was designed by a pack of dwarves or my bib shorts really aren’t that functional (in case you wondered why I wouldn’t wear HMCC team kit today, I was showing my support for the red men on Premier League kickoff weekend). Finally, we could reform as a group and head for home via Adlington and Coppull.

T IS FOR TOCKHOLES, TOYOTA AND NOW? T*** AND HIS TRACTOR

Steve Kernigan wasn’t too sure as to whether Simon was actually leading the group on the way out of Rivington but before long he was well assured that the person at the head of the group knew exactly where he was going and, unfortunately, that didn’t mean playing the Blackrod Lottery. Instead we turned right at the lights and set sail for Rawlinson Lane. This we duly did without any care in the world as, quite surprisingly, even those who’d over-indulged at the café were finding the going relatively easy. That changed a bit once we got onto the A5147 through Coppull as the pace quickened, I pulled my foot out the pedal and got swallowed up by a fair few riders who actually remembered when to change gear, and the road surface on the left was an absolute joke; there’s your next “Road Closed” prediction for winter training. We turned right onto Jolly Tar Lane where a few riders commented that they absolutely hate this road. Truth be told I’ve never had a problem with it, indeed it includes a fairly sheltered sequence of short, intense drags but today’s biggest twerp would turn out to be Tractor Man, who delighted in blasting his horn down our eardrums to the point our ears were ringing. He’d now booked himself the other half of today’s Reject award alongside the Toyota but for our part, we were focused on taking the shortest route home as pretty much everyone wanted to be home for the big match unless they had less important things like mowing the lawn to do. So we turned left off last week’s route as we made our way to the M6 Junction 27 intersection. Here I thought we might descend past the pumping station but instead we went right around the roundabout and towards Parbold Hill. Here, a few riders including CAAD10 Colin went straight on presumably to use the remaining miles to the coast as a team time trial but most turned left at Pesto for the descent past the Endurance Store, who must surely be lobbying the council for a resurfacing of the road at the start of their Thursday night chicks/foxes/hounds chainey. We bounced our way down the descent and eventually reached the “option” point. Hodgy decided this was the point at which to think about his lawnmower and promptly turned off for Bank Top but the rest of us continued onto Lees Lane and Hillock Lane, where the lead changed hands several times. I thought at this point someone said “roundabout” as in “descend to the roundabout” but this was clearly wishful thinking; instead we would be climbing to the church before a final, fast segment into Ormskirk. And what a finale it would prove to be.

AND THEN THERE WERE EIGHT/FIVE/THREE/TWO……….

Because I made a complete goof of the directions and actually stopped for ten seconds to swap my bottles over, Paul Moy and Mark Titchener escaped up Ashurst and were not to be seen again until we parked up at the church for a quick bite to eat and count everyone in. By this stage we only had seven riders left, but the group would be augmented briefly as John Collins arrived having done three ascents of Shaley in hashtag beastmode and his Kuota factory team jersey was unmistakeable as we descended Vale Lane towards the Plough, where Paul Moy in particular was on fine form. This meant we were simply on a reverse of a common Ruff Lane-to-Cobbs-Brow opening segment so we took it in turns to do a Howie/Darren/Rick Taylor and either launch attacks or think YOLO. Eventually peace in our time was restored as we reached the A577 and from here it was simply a case of turning off as and when our time for home came. We had just five riders left upon reaching Edge Hill, where we were joined briefly by Prescot Eagle’s social group. They turned left just after the A570 crossing and the HMCC train continued towards the Dog and Gun, where Simon and Steve retired to the back in readiness for going left at the crossroads. That left just three of us to ascend to the top of Ormskirk Hill.

Paul turned off for home at Turnpike Road and this left me and James to discuss house prices on Bye Lane; apparently £400,000 is the absolute minimum you’d need for one of these mansions in the countryside. I do wonder if that includes use of a very nice local pub that shows all the Liverpool matches, but before we got onto that point James turned off for home leaving me to slog to the Gastropub where I ate the second granola square, before continuing westward into the wind with the average speed still under 29km/h. It was showing 28.9 as I reached Tesco lights but with one last aggressive effort across the junction and down Altcar I hit the magic 29 with approximately 56 metres to spare and could finally switch the computer off as I rolled down my roadwork-laden drive at 2.15pm. And after a quick bath and downing of some recovery drink, it was off to the pub for the first game of the new season where I spent the first 85 minutes bored out of my mind before Phillippe Coutinho saved the day with an early Goal of the Season contender. Just like on HMCC rides, Brendan Rodgers really needs to learn how to build around the strengths he has, and this little guy is certainly one of them. Who’s going to show their strong suit on next week’s rides, then?

Now for the results, brought to you by John’s choice, the Zipp 60:

Distance: 112.53km/70.33 miles

Time: 3:52:41

Average Speed: 29.02kmh/18.14mph

Hors Cat Climbs: 3

Twerps: 2, one in a Toyota, one aboard a tractor

Chains Off: 1

Money Spent Today: £6.85 on food plus £9.45 on beer

Breakthrough Performance of the Day: Mark Lane for sticking with it up Belmont and putting in a good shift on the front early doors (no going back now!)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Two Twerps

(That’s a joint award to the Toyota and the tractor)

See you all next week for another great ride. Will we split into two groups and end up taking over the two cafes in Rivington? In that case let’s hope Danny Gilbody and Stephen Ormesher haven’t eaten all the food at the Barn as they recover from IM 70.3 in Dublin, well done guys!