Team 22 Club Tackle Tockholes

It was the warmest Sunday morning of 2017 so far that greeted around 50 riders at the shop today, including newcomer Greg who I spotted going past the bank early doors. I'm not sure which group he joined aboard his Trek Domane 4.5 Disc but there were plenty of rides on offer including John Hesketh's B ride to include a Subway stop near Mellor. That ride wasn't planning on getting back in time for what turned out to be a game of epic proportions at the Olympic Stadium so those who wanted to be in the 22 club for kickoff joined a group of, you guessed it, 22 riders for Matt's "please keep it steady" ride around Tockholes and Belmont. With the heat rising already and at least one pair of sleeves acing been deemed "not required" (much to returnee Rhian's approval) we set off on the A ride, via Dark Lane.

NOT EXACTLY A CIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK

I took the first right hander over the bridge rather better than on last week's disastrous "booted out" incident in the Lakes which has only highlighted the injury I've been carrying for a couple of years but the first rider I'd go alongside would be Ian Gallagher, who has just bought a Cippolini frame off Matt while he leaves his De Rosa as a Majorca-only bike. Does that mean he and Darren are going to take on the 312, I mean surely they are in a tie with John Hill as the most suitable riders who haven't done such a challenge? We rode together down the first few miles towards the Hoscar Moss where there was plenty to hold us up, starting with a row of cars and then the Ring O'Bells car park which was full of riders starting a Wiggle sportive. Precisely the event you'd want to enter if you weren't all that bothered about fighting me for age group honours in Nantwich next week, but you knew that already. The run across the railway line was suitably swift and the pace, and indeed my core body temperature only cooled once we reached the Eagle and Child. Next up was Mawdesley where a slow rider wearing white and blue was momentarily mistaken for an HMCC rider dropped from the B group (later known by Ste Francis as the B for BOO group) but we kept things fast and tight all the way through to Eccleston, where some of the sportive riders were picked off and we kicked into another higher gear on the way to Midge Hall, where plenty of good discussion was to be had with Matthew Sherrington about how nervous we both were about the match in London this afternoon and how it was literally win or go home, just the sort of occasion I revel in. As the sun came out and the heat rose my special wardrobe tactic looked more and more like a masterstroke even as we passed the Junction des Petit Dogs (I say that because we got cheered on by the people looking after their little puppies) but things were about to get even more animal-orientated on the run through Whittle-le-Woods, Shaw Brow and the Col de Pumping Station.

LOOKS LIKE THE PRETTYLITTLETHING RUNNING WEAR LAUNCH WENT HORRIBLY WRONG

Steve Kernigan called for a piss stop which, as you know, equates to a fuel-up stop for those of us who can't last more than 15 miles in hashtag stressedout mode but of greater interest was my wardrobe tactics; while some must have been cremating alive I'd sent out a package like I was ready to run the Ironman marathon course. This meant that David Rodgers got a chill just from being behind me not realising that I was in no fit state to press on with a boiler suit for a jacket on me; well it worked a treat at the Mid Cheshire 5k even if some disapproved of the kit choices. That's even before we got onto the subject of the kitten who chased me on my hashtag destroyeveryone run last night when YOLOING down Yew Tree Road. And let's be honest, while some are desperate to ride as many miles on the front as possible AND win every climb AND every sprint, remember that a Limar helmet model is signed to race. And that's what I planned to do as we got going again, but no sooner had we hit the road once more than the most unlikely outcome of all eventuated; Matt's Vittoria Corsa tyre let him down! This took 8 minutes 32.55 seconds to sort out while I chatted to David about the Fred Whitton and why I really need his Tarmac with disc brakes, and preferably a spacer set that doesn't break my neck on a weekly basis when YOLOING over the Hoscar Moss. Once up and running again we rode to Shaw Brow, but unusually we carried on up the hill towards the pumping station and this proved disastrous for Matthew, whose chain snapped right as we reached the steepest part of the climb! This impressed the two girls walking down the footpath no end as I inspected the stricken chain to find its serial number but that was only after Ste Francis insisted I went to find out the details and I was really stuck now; do the job he asked of me or keep my grid slot? I'm only too aware that some people have used such stoppages in recent times as the perfect reason to hide, which to me (and Ste) is an even bigger offence than under performing. Eventually we got going, much to the approval of two ladies boiling alive on a morning run wearing more than I was (in other words they were going about 9 minutes per mile, slow enough for the Prettylittlething photographers, look out that's CHINOOK who lapped you at the Southport parkrun) but it was soon time to change down a few gears as we did the rough rod past the pumping station uphill; this was a good call in my opinion as it avoided the possibility of anyone STRAVAIZING the descent and ending up head first into a tree. The pack separated a little on the run up Top O'The Hill Lane but it was all together again on the descent into Brindle despite a couple of cars trying to force us into the hedge, but it was here that we reached the church just as the B group was resting up and this made Ste extremely mad; remember when I did B rides I couldn't get under 19 minutes for a 5k, and you know what happened in Kingsley the other week..............Anyway once he'd stopped BOOING at them we could concentrate on riding through Riley Green to Tockholes, where the group stayed remarkably together despite one or two paying for extreme beastmode efforts the day before and a few horses checked our progress somewhat, but the sun was behind the clouds once more and a little cooling could be felt on at least one pair of shoulders. At the junction Ste was the only one to get through before a car and he made use of this by bombing the descent into Belmont - a brilliant call given he has a medical allergy to ever being behind another cyclist - while I chatted to Ronnie about the afternoon football, the European Rugby Cup Final and why I was missing the Spanish Grand Prix to watch a Liverpool game. Well I'll catch up with the cars once I've finished this report but Ste chose a very interesting time to shout "that's where the front is" which must have sounded like a broken record player on the 312. But it was time for the big hit-out of the day, the Col de Belmont.

A BATTLE FOR 4TH PLACE IS ALWAYS FUN WHEN YOUR TEAM ISN'T IN IT

Alex had a dig as the climb began and so did Ian aboard his Cipollini but the inevitable suspects appeared out front and sure enough, Tom ran away with it leaving John and Specialized Venge VIAS Man to duel over second place. There was an equally entertaining battle for the last Champions League spot between Darren and Martyn, the latter using my rear wheel as a launch pad to try and chase down his fellow De Rosa user but he didn't pass Darren until the climb was over (the adjudicator decision is final) and then it was time to bomb the descent. At least I know this one so while the sportive riders continues up the other way they got a face full of Gareth flying past me at 40mph into the first left-hander while I kept a watching brief on where Darren was and thought "at least I don't have to chase his wheel at 30mph from Ormskirk to Formby any more". We parked up at the foot of the climb and watered some flowers, ate a cookie or in one case, both while the dressing on my stricken arm tried to blow off together with the plaster. This gave me a chance to catch up with what Tom was up to next and he's really happy to hear that I'm trying to get him and Rick Taylor in the Champion this week leaving me free to bring a keyboard to the next Skoda advert and just be careful I don't crash the music stand. We crossed the reservoir road before turning left towards Horwich, which would have been a good call to extend the ride given that the match didn't kick off until 2:15 but instead there was a pretty hairy moment where no one could decide what to do (as in where do we turn right/can someone please explain what's going on here) but a pretty heated climb was just up the road into Little Scotland.

DANGER: HIGH VOLTAGE (AND THAT'S NOT EVEN ME ON THE FRONT)

The short, punchy climb to the T-junction had a few dropping back and I started my usual whinging about "why can't people just not drink the night before a club ride, is it really so hard". However, one person who clearly had drunk a bit too much beer or who had let the sun get to them was the Toyota Prius driver whose hybrid electrics probably cut out when they almost got past the entire group only to face a bit of street furniture and have to back right out of it just as their nose strayed alongside He Who Has To Say "WHAT'S HE DOING" With this idiot having locked up the Reject prize for the day we kept the pace high up to the traffic lights at the pub on the bridge before plummeting down the descent but by now I was on Row 3 and thinking I had a chance to put people into some pain by getting to the front. It appeared as though Ste had taken over from Matt when it came to calling for the turns to be rotated so it was only after the hot slog under the railway bridge the me and Cannondale Synapse Man got possession of Row 1 where we got a good discussion about how good the rugby union was yesterday compared to the shambles at Wheldon Road (that Saints franchise is in a sick state at the moment, how does the move to the new ground look now). However, it appears as though we weren't pointing out the tiny road blemishes present in Wrightington and Tunley Lane; as I pointed out these small annoyances were hidden by shadows and if they were major hazards, then I'm a Chelsea fan. Seriously, get over it.............We soon passed the Welcome to Hilldale sign where all thoughts turned to the Eagle and Child but it wasn't long before a few turned off for Newburgh and the rest prepared for the "zen out" moment also known as the Hoscar Moss.

"I'M DESPERATE TO WIN, AND WHEN I'M NOT I'LL KNOW IT'S TIME TO QUIT"

Many years ago, I read that line above in a triathlon magazine. It was the words of Simon Whitfield who at the time was well placed to snatch "best of the rest" honours from Javier Gomez in ITU triathlon races behind the Brownlee brothers. Well today would be a case in point as first the Hoscar Moss situation blew up in multiple directions then after the Ring O'Bells things got really heated. It's times like this when I start thinking "do we want to win another age group title or not" and despite Ste Francis pulling alongside me and Darren likening the experience to the B for Bad group (apparently A is for Average) I was more interested in shouting "DESTROY ALL" to really bite everyone's head off. Everyone, that is, except Tom, who I hope to get in the paper this week. For him, the code was "green 58" and before I even had the chance to use any other pre-sprint words as code he was off the front and away for the final dash up Dark Lane while I shouted at everyone else to ignore the agony and keep smashing the climb. It must have worked because they all did a sterling job, and this got us back to Ormskirk for 12:50 having covered 53 miles. And after that it was a quick bath and sandwich before running to the 22 club where the red men showed some desperation of their own to smash West Ham 4-0 and leave themselves one game away from Champions League qualification. A brilliant ride on a very warm day (at least that was my take on it) and let's hope more battle for my place in the A group when I go to Cheshire next week!

Now for the results, in association with Ian's choice, Cipollini bikes:

Distance: 84.83km/53.02 miles
Time: 2:53:52
Average Speed: 29.27kmh/18.3mph
Mechanicals: 2 in 2 miles
Horses: 8
Hors Cat Climbs: 1
Cookies: 2 from Sainsbury's
Post Ride Nutrition: Cheese salad sandwich and ROLO dessert (you spotted the irony) followed by 3 pints of San Miguel in the 22 club

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Toyota Prius Man
(Would have put the tin lid on it if he'd gone into the traffic calming kerb)

Enjoy another 5 star beast session next week, I can't be there as I'm in Nantwich doing the Cheshire Triathlon. In any case let's hope I can get race, pizza and beer accounted for before Liverpool wrap up the Champions League place............