T is for Tockholes, Tankers and Troublesome Tyres

With the Southport Triathlon taking out the fast flat options for one week we had five groups today, with the Racers leaving early doors at 8am. The four remaining groups separated into a C group going for a 5-course meal at Twin Lakes with Matt, two B's (assuming they split) and John Pout's A ride which would take in Tockholes, Anglezarke and whichever local climb they happened ot stumble on during what turned out to be quite a chaotic end to the ride. John led his group out first, beginning with Dark Lane.

THINK "I JUST WANT TO BE EVEN BETTER" AND GREAT THINGS WILL HAPPEN

I set off on the right side of Row 4 next to Simon, who was on his first ride with the A group for a while aboard his Trek Domane. We spent the first few miles totling along at a nice, steady 21mph as the cloud cover overhead kept a firm lid on temperatures leaving me rather happy I'd brought the neon arm warmers. We had a fairly untroubled run to the Hoscar Moss although there was the first of many splits as we turned right for the Ring O'Bells. During the ride north towards the train station we had a few potholes to dodge plus a can of old-fashioned Irn-Bru just on the racing line so we were more than happy to reach the rather cleaner, smoother confines of Wanes Blades Road and then the route towards the Eagle and Child. Here, we usually go left or straight on but today we turnned right up the hill for Parbold, making some people dread/wish we were going up Hunter's. After all, I'm only thinking about next week's Darley Moor Duathlon and I'm sure I wasn't the only person who caught the post-match interivews yesterday when Manchester City set the Cup Final record and they were quoted as saying "we just want to be EVEN BETTER" well if that isn't a lesson in self-development then I don't know what is. As it turned out we wouldn't be hammering up Hunter's today, rather we would be making our way through to Mawdesley and Eccleston. We saw plenty of cyclists, including one who looked like a Chronomaster rider on his morning training session and, going the same way as us, a few blue-jacketed riders including one or two on E-Bikes. And there was us wondering why we couldn't blow them off our wheels..........The pace stayed suitably high through to the left-turn at Wrightington whereupon Simon quizzed me about next week's duel in Derbyshire (possible home of a Premier League team soon, sorry Carl Hammal you knew I was going to get that one in) and why I suddenly seem to be going so much better at running than cycling. It might just have to be another comeback effort on the final YOLO running lap indeed. This had the extremely desired effect, at least once we turned left in Eccleston, of both waking Ste Francis up (let's go to Jacko's for a brew) and me with the motivational one-liners Charlotte is more known for, today's theme being "do you want to go to Sweden next year or not" (I'm referring to the ETU duathlon championships here, not the Eurovision staging they missed out on). We only heard at the last minute that we would be going right at the humpback bridge but sure enough we turned that way to get to Runshaw College, impeded as we were by some terrible timing at the traffic lights (that's why you ALWAYS attack at roadworks lights). Eventually we arrived on Runshaw Lane, now also known for the Foxholes restaurant as much as the sixth form centre, before turning towards the Huge Junction at Buckshaw Village, where at long last I would get to hit the front.

GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, TANKERS DO

By now it was me and Ian Hampson, the latest shark when it comes to knowing about the best value options on Matt's radar (the Focus Izalco Max Disc 105) and the first comments about half-wheeling came through from characters who normally beast me as if to say "no matter how fast you go it's NEVER good enough". Well was upping the tempo by around 2mph any good for you? Thought so. This theme continued apace through to Shaw Brow, slowed only by a motorcyclist at the first left-turn, before vaulting down some very pockmarked roads on the descent before the left-turn signifies the start of the climb to the pumping station. Here, Kevin Murphy did his usual trick of being a f***ing legend for as long as it took John O'Brien and the club's most famous vegan to get going, but eventually order was restored and my recent drop in weight paid dividends enabling me to join John at the head of the field at the top. However, the descent was a different matter, a theme that would ultimately plague the entire day. We turned right at a row of houses for a quiet back-road (or so we thought) when all of a sudden a milk tanker stuck on such a placid little lane appeared on a tight right-hander. Ironically, a few comments had just been made about how tight and unpredictable these lanes can be and then.........not quite BOOM TIMES FIVE but the first five riders certainly wore their rims down quite a bit because Kevin Murphy was 6th at this point, and first of the disc brakers. This calmed the pace quite a bit lest a further incident send someone into a windscreen but eventually we were back on main roads as we eschewed the left for Hoghton Towers, instead going right for Riley Green. Here, we went straight on at the pub and, much to Paul Hargreaves' disappointment, past Enoch Brow. Instead we had the Col de Black Bull, aka Tockholes, in our sights for the first round of SMHBYWI (Show Me How Bad You Want It).

DONT LET THE BLUE SHITES WIN, HERE WE GO JOHN LET'S GET THE 1-2

As we began the climb we got a bit of cheer from two old ladies at the school, but upon turning left onto the main event itself Kevin Murphy thought he could deprive Liverpool fans of yet another title. As such I realised the only way to stop the legend was to let John O'Brien out even if that meant I couldn't hope to "take it" myself. Instead, it would give us a chance to get first and second and we ended up doing exactly that! John has really improved his climbing this year and I'd be surprised if he hasn't come into the conversation for next Saturday's Hunter's climb or even the official HMCC event in October. I was equally untroubled in second place, unable to catch him up front and amazingly untroubled by anyone behind. Kevin Murphy arrived at the top covered in sweat (take the jacket off before the climb next week) and a few watered some flowers but then came a usually boring sequence of roads which actually turned out to be the epicentre of the entire ride. We set off on the rollercoaster towards the cafe behind a Y-reg Subaru estate car, not to eat, oh no not with the physiological differences between me and most, but rather towards two more pedestrians who said "good morning lads" (obviously not seeing Charlotte's fingernails). Shortly after, though, I thought we were parking up for another piss stop but instead Simon's rear Continental GP4000s 25mm serial number "xxxxx xxxxx" had let him down. For some reason I checked my tyres and my front one was a bit soft too! Maybe the rough road surface had given the tyres a proper battering? While Simon's crew got to work round the corner I started going full Mercedes GP on my own tyre change with some help from Mark le Titch. We did a grand job of replacing the tube while Ian's stop toook 9 minutes 31:25 seconds, but some started making choice comments about "why do we have to do 26 climbs". Well the best way to deal with it mentally is to have a big race the following week so codename SWEDEN came into mind, even if that means Zara Larsson will no doubt be singing at the opening ceremony (a great singer but she's young enough to be my daughter, isn't Paloma available). With my bike 50g lighter thanks to judicious use of a Continental Supersonic inner tube we could set off for the the old Ironman bike course, to Abbey Village.

THIS AIN'T A SCENE, IT'S A (F***ING MASSIVE) ARMS RACE

David Jackson just HAS IT when it comes to 60kph in the aero position. He's always going to beast it. But I was amazed that I was pedalling at 56kph and yet lots of people who I'd blown off my wheel on the climb were now effortlessly getting away on the descent towards Abbey Village. I'm thinking I need a headstart on everyone else whenever I descend with the A group just like some want to start every climb at the front. It was quite enlightening to hear some people talk of their weight being 13-14 stone or even more when the group reformed; suddenly I'm wondering if I actually have the smallest engine in the field. I would soon get a bit of revenge, though, as after descending Twist Moor Lane we were onto the Col de Brinscall. Here, I got even more agitated at the sight of Mercedes Man (not Lewis Hamilton) holding our side of the road up so I copied Kevin Murphy in scooting through on the left side. He obviously got the fright of his life seeing the little vegan alongside him so rather than risk getting CHINOOK'D he let me go and indeed I wasn't going to let this one get away from me. It was a fluke, sure, but you can only take what's in front of you and first to the top of the climb made me quite a bit more relaxed. Next up was the descent to Wheelton, followed by a bit of time on the main road. This wouldn't last, however, because we would soon turn left for SMHBYWI Part 2, Anglezarke.

YOLO ON THE CLIMB, YODO ON THE DESCENT - THANK GOD I WAS NEAR THE FRONT

It always takes an age to get to the climb proper from the easier side, and probable feels as long when you come the other way from the hard one, hence why a few St Helens CRC riders looked absolutely gassed when coming towards us. The descent after the pub was very congested as everyone was fighting to get pole position but once we started the climb (as in when I acknowledged the two 35-year old ladies on their morning walk) normal service was resumed, with John O'Brien once again running off and hiding while I plugged away in second trying to stay away from the quad bikes coming from the hard side. Upon reconvening with John and a hugely improved Simon at the top I suggested we follow our YOLO climbing with a bit of demon descending. For us, that meant a clear track in front but for others, this apparently meant YODO (You Only Die Once) because as usual they way overcooked the corner and were so lucky no-one was coming the other way! Maybe they fancied a dip in the reservoir as per the Marine Lake racers today. Once the group had come back together we too the next left down a tight back road (apparently "No Through", but then so is the NCN 62 where I took the bike on Manchester-Liverpool ultra day) and after a particularly hairy, if entertaining moment with two dogs doing a bit of do-si-do at the right-hand bend we reached the junction and found ourselves on the Rivington reservoir road once more, heading for home via a rarely-trodden route, the climb of Little Scotland followed by Haigh Hall.

VERY NEARLY A "DID IT FOR YOUR COMRADES" MOMENT THERE - DEFLATE-GATE 2

It wouldn't be a stressed out riide without a missed turn but most of the aggro which seemed to surface from here on in must have stemmed from the leaders missing the right-turn across the carriageway and having to loop round for an extra 500 metres. This led to a mad scramble to reconvene as a group, only for everyone to suddenly splinter and ride as ones and twos over five seconds apart to the junction! As such we only got back together again at the foot of the last "group" climb of the day towards Blackrod and Haigh Hall. As you would expect John won once again and I fought my way past The Murph to take second once more, but when we got going again, the fast flatlanders took off and as such I was resorting to desperate tactics through the corners even though in real terms I was still well in the top half of the field. I can only imagine what the backmarkers were thinking and as such it was a relief to drop down to the roundabout, reach the Gathurst station bridge and allow the lights to stop us for a while. We set off once again but the same thing happened; John his usual peerless self, me and Jacko trying everything to catch him and a seriously spreadeagled field going in all directions in a desperate effort to stay together. Let's just say it looked more like a Formula 1 race than a bike peloton, peace in our time only returning at the A49 crossroads near the Subway in Wigan. Only trouble was, during this passage of play my front tyre had started to go soft again and I was now hoping for a chance to turn off so as not to hold the group up. They were amazed when I refused to stop but eventually I had to admit defeat and inject some more air into the tyre just after the M6 bridge. With most of the attention focused on my lack of strength it was a major shock what happened next; a husband and wife team were on their lunchtime run when she stumbled and fell on a kerb drop. This at least spared me more embarrassment, and it was a relief to see she was OK, but on the restart the pack split into three mini-groups once again and at the lights the order finally came through to wait while we were on red. But on the restart we spread out yet again and at the right-turn for Bank Top some decided to turn left and head for home, after all it was quite a late finish for an A ride. This left me, John O'Brien and Jacko to ride towards our favourite descent. While Jacko bombed the downhill and used that momentum to carry him home, John did indeed do Crow Lane, but I had another idea; go down Bank Top, up Lees Lane and check out the Old Post Office, Newburgh style! After a brief chat with Bernard the Marathon Runner from Rainford on his Trek Domane, I gingerly went right and down to the Beacon roundabout then left for the road past the Red Lion. Eight years on from a similarly splintered Tuesday ride, I was at long last back here to see what had changed. Quite a lot, as it turned out. Kenny Madden, are you reading?

LET'S "FIX" THE PERFECT DIET AND NOTHING WILL STOP HRT (HUAWEI RACING TEAM) NEXT WEEK

I think I've already mentioned next week's Duel in Derbyshire around 58 times in my recent reports. What I haven't mentioned is that I didn't have my new phone on me today,namely my Huawei P30 Pro which will include Sky Sports Mobile TV. As such you should be VERY AFRAID of my ability to avoid alcohol while posting BOOM TIMES FOUR next season as I'll be able to sync the phone with my Android TV and get the red men games for only an extra £7 a month! It's ominous for my descending skills, or lack thereof (and for those who have to fight me at the Princes Parkrun). Today, though, HRT's lead duathlete decided to have a look at what was on offer. It's still a bit of a confidence thing for me in some places asking "do you have any vegan food" but as it turned out they had THREE options! In the end I went for "The Fix" which was a sweet, chewy bar with cacao, fruit and nuts plus an Americano with soya milk, all for £4.25. Can't argue with the quality even if the place is a bit small, but Kenny Madden will be delighted to know he could bring a small C group here or a group out for a midweek jolly. Big ups to the owners for the standard of both the shop and the toilets, they're a major improvement on the 2011 vintage. I set off just as the manageress came to clear the table (and Kevin Murphy before you post anything on the matter, yes she's a brilliant entrepreneur, you know that's why I like her) and I did the main road route through to the Hoscar Moss and down Square Lane to Burscough, stopping only at Booths to nab a couple of spinach pakoras off the vegan boom counter for 67p, before bombing it down the A59 and the side of Ormskirk Hill just to assure myself of the 64 miles JP asked for. But I almost didn't make it; upon turning onto Delph Park Avenue the dodgy inner tube went so flat it wouldn't let me take the corner and I was mighty relieved to get the bike stopped without hitting anything. So I crawled round the remaining turns and finally arrived home at around 1:45pm having got the 64 miles done. Great efforts by everyone especially those going past their typical level, this is the sort of ride you'll remember once you're either racing or blasting out those 100 milers on a regular basis.

Now for the results, brought to you by the Old Post Office, Newburgh:

Distance: 102.68km

Time: 3:39:29

Average Speed: 28.07kmh

Dead Inner Tubes: 3

Hors Cat Climbs: 3

Milk Tankers: 1

Quad Bikes: 3

Dogs: 2

Star Performer of the Day: John O'Brien for his climbing masterclass

Cafe Rating: 9/10 (superb coffee and cake, if it was bigger it would have got a 10)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Chinook's Front Tyre

(Don't worry I got 10 tubes for £10 from a cheap "satellite" warehouse the other day and the tyres are getting junked soon as well)

Enjoy yourselves next week and support Rick's race as best you can, I can't be on the ride on Sunday as well you know. Time to move forward, reap our rewards and be heroes, if just for one day..........