T is for Tockholes and "Texas Hold-en"

You might have thought the first cloudy weekend in a long while and the attractions of the Ice Cream Ride/C2C2C would have left us with insufficient riders to form proper groups but we still got around 45 riders at the shop today for the 9am start, not including the 8:30 early doors peeps doing the "real" Trough. The 9am cohort split into four rides, including a D group enjoying fun in the sun, or so they hoped, it was more like lead skies in the morning, NOT Chinook's warning. That's because while the C group did a local loop and Simon and John Hesketh took the B's round the coast, Steve Depport was left in charge of leading the first XI on a standard repertoire of Hoscar, Brinscall, Tockholes and Brindle. Pleasingly, several riders who struggled or simply didn't perform properly on last week's Trough ride were in this group and one or two would play starring roles;, but not as He with the Pink Bottles - and no Kevan didn't have a 30 minute lie-in either. Read on to find out who stole the show, and possibly a couple of Litherland crit wins in the near future.

SCOUTING FOR FAT-BOTTOMED GIRLS, HORSES AND HORSEPOWER

We set off up Ruff Lane with Steve leading the pack up the slight incline, just as a few spots of rain started falling. I'd thought ahead and brought the rain jacket much to the surprise of Dolan L'Etape Man, who I caught up to just before the beginning of Ormskirk Hill. He's an ex-Liverpool Harriers runner who's only recently got into cycling but he was just doing a steady 30 miler today and headed up the A59 to Burscough just as I turned off for HMCC HQ. I nearly got proven right as the spots of rain got ever heavier but they really burned off us in much the same way anything to do with me did last week. Indeed, I started today's ride with more than a little trepidation fearing I'd lost everyone's respect after doing so pathetically but at long last I do know what I shouldn't be doing the day before a hot Sunday club run; any running after 7am, Project Leicester or not. I spent most of the first few miles chatting to Alan Price about how well he did on the Trough last week even though some would have said losing to a baked-alive Chinook was simply "not working hard enough". The question was, could he sustain it into today's ride for two in a row? We would soon find out. We got onto the chainey route all the way to the Hoscar Moss, where Steve indicated rather too early and I thought we were simply going back to Ormskirk via Dark Lane to do 15 laps of a future Ormskirk Duathlon route. Instead we made our way over the Ring O'Bells just as a fat bottomed girl turned her MTB onto the canal path, and from here we continued north over the railway line towards Mawdesley and the Stocks Hall, which looks as though it's been very well redeveloped having been left to rot many years ago when the Mawdesley Eating House and Hotel shut its doors; it looked more like the front to Hurlston Hall than a care home. We crested the little rise here and before we knew it we were at Doctor's Lane in Eccleston, where the traffic at the mini-roundabout played into our hands nicely but the "straight over" T-junction proved very troublesome, as Chris and Rob got across in time but the rest of us split into two grupettos and took an age to reform as one eleven-man team. The next segment is always quite unnerving as it's narrow and full of bumps, but today it seemed to have been rather better surfaced and we glided through despite the best efforts of a couple of horses to slow us down, and then the presence of what looked like a Scouts parade doing an extra long warmup walk to get to Eccleston in time for the beginning of today's big event. At least that's what it looked like. As we passed them the A49 came into view and a couple of quick moves here got us onto the road for Euxton, where the pack shuffled and I got ever closer to joining Propel Paul on the front. Now at the 25-mile mark of the ride, we knew we weren't far away from Chorley - but what a varied second stanza it would prove to be as soon as we started going uphill.

HERE COMES ANOTHER LOAD OF FAT BULL FROM YOU-KNOW-WHO

I assumed the front alongside Propel Paul and shortly afterwards was joined by Cervelo R3 Man, one of many nowadays (sorry I don't remember your name, was it Yet Another John?) We reached the big traffic island on the edge of Chorley and I shouted the first Army Mentality command of the day that "we MUST get through these lights". In the event we did it with plenty to spare but then it was down the steep drop to the next roundabout and follow the signs for Heapey. Someone shouted "Next Left" here and I missed this altogether only to end up stopping, then re-starting just as the Garmins were convicted and guilty as charged. Either that or they didn't like the idea of me wanting revenge on pretty much anything that moved after last week's poor performance and kicked me and matey-boy off the front. We were soon out of Chorley and passing the Fat Bull eatery on the main road out of town, en route to the A674 and the Brinscall turn-off, but before we could get there Renault Scenic Man blew his horn aggressively at the whole pack and gave us the middle finger as he went past! Any time "do you honestly think.........."comes out of Mr Catlike's mouth it's pretty much a certainty that you're on the Reject shortlist, and on a day of relative professionalism, he really had no competition for the award. Upon turning right for the first Hors Cat Climb of the day Chris Holden fired off the first attack by going for it pretty much as soon as we'd cleared the first steep part, and he was uncatchable while I ended up with a train of riders behind me, most of whom went past and even demoted me off the podium altogether, which led to yet more BULL like "BEAT YOURSELVES UP" and "HATE IS GREAT". You have been warned, those comments do fire me up as well as let the rest of you know that you can always do more, which became particularly relevant as the remaining riders came into view. Steve Depport liked my remarks about giving up the pies and eating 20 portions of fruit and veg a day as the last couple of riders hit the junction, before we rolled down the hill as a group and onto Twist Moor Lane. Here, I timed tings rather better and though Chris was once again uncatchable, Rob Shirley gave me a benchmark to aim at and at least this time I could enjoy a podium finish at the top of the climb, before rolling down the hill to the pub at the decision making point where left is straight to Brindle, right takes you to Tockholes. WE set off up the main road onto the old Darwen Triathlon bike course and saw plenty of IMUK wannabees on tri-bars coming the other way, though no-one was braving the tri-suits today, not even me. Instead the group started to splinter as we'd pretty much forgotten that this is more of a Cat and Fiddle-style ascent; never steep but it seems to go on far longer than you remember. I reached the left-turn for Tockholes a few lengths behind Rob Shirley which gave me the chance to quiz him on Litherland racing and the work he's doing on his new home in Barrow Nook; I countered with the proposals to stage a special Ashworth Hospital YOLO sprint on the first Sunday after I move into my new house. But anyone who beasts it down a cul-de-sac is officially a lunatic and will NOT be allowed near the bungalow for fear of running next door's cats over. Chris Holden soon shot past the pair of us and Rob went after him. This gave me an armchair view of their cornering skills and I tried to match their lines and confidence through the tight bends, but eventually they got away leaving me to hold off a couple of chasers for third spot. It turned out that during this passage of play Alan had been denied the chance to hunt me down for the final podium spot as his gears wouldn't co-operate, and on the restart, Paul had somehow got some MUD in his cleats. Did he take a shortcut through the field? Anyway, a few commented that it was all downhill from here, so we turned towards Pleasington for the beginning of the run home.

P IS FOR PLEASINGTON, PUMP UP THE JAM AND PINKY ON A PLANET X

The first mile or so after those exciting comments proved true; nothing but downhill at speeds of up to 40mph on the approach to Pleasington, where upon turning left at the roundabout we spotted the turn-off for Enoch Brow, and a non-Dave Sims person was attempting that vicious climb on a MTB! Just imagine if he’d borrowed Chris Holden’s Trek…….Speaking of which, Chris now quizzed me on whether I would consider doing a crit race. Not likely given my feeble time trial around the course last November in between the different races (excuses: no warm up/no helmet/running shoes/afraid to PLF/frozen blood pooled in legs/don’t do tight corners) and indeed the fifth of those excuses would prove to be quite topical once Canyon Carl pulled alongside me. I remarked that he won the award for the most colourful Canyon I’d ever seen given that just about all the other ones are stealth black, but he also noted how often I get out the saddle. That’s really just because I didn’t have any long socks to use today (note to oneself; find a podium dancers’ shop and buy every colour; just like footie stickers there’s always more to collect) and I use the out-the-saddle efforts to get a bit of calf muscle pump and help blood flow, after all not many swimming pools will let you in for a few lengths before a club ride on a Sunday morning. Carl also told me about his Aeroad, seemingly the reference bike of the moment for those contemplating a 17^th September road-bikes-only time trial hosted by the Liverpool Century, who I’m sure don’t have a scrutineer to decide that 52mm deep wheels are permissible. Think they’d let me join for one day? Of course. By the time this ever-so-long discussion had ended we were onto Runshaw Moor passing the Flag Lane turn-off having got through Brindle particularly quickly, and after clearing a few phantom roadworks we thought we’d keep going all the way home, but we were held up momentarily by one such temporary set of traffic lights. Not to worry; I got near the front on the restart and this put me in prime position to take the lead once others had freaked out at the T-junction just before Midge Hall. This gave me track position over the others by quite some distance and at first I thought about hunting down Mr Pinky in, you guessed it, a pink jersey on his red Planet X Pro Carbon bike. However, the group needed to re-form and before we could catch him he’d turned left one junction earlier than we would. We got caught behind a group of slow moving riders at this point, but a bit of single-out riding sorted that pretty quickly and then Chris started to edge ahead of me saying something about “through and off”. I think it was a bit lost in translation as he was joined by Cervelo R3 Man out front, but at least it gave me the chance to talk to John Hill on the other Specialized Tarmac, who I’ve not ridden with since the 2011 Coast to Coast, quite a topical day for that subject matter don’t you think? And he was going very well for someone who’s spent most of the last five years in London presumably doing 45 laps of Richmond Park as future 312 preparation, while his cornering skills honed in the face of London taxi drivers would prove to be very useful indeed on the final run-in to the line at Rufford.

I KNOW THEY SAID “EAT MORE SALT” BUT THAT’S TAKING IT A BIT FAR……

On the westerly push from Croston Steve Depport did a good dig on the front as the pace cranked up past the 25mph mark. This meant one or two riders started to vanish from the back, but we still had eight left as the bridge appeared and we kicked round the left-hand turn onto the A59. Here, Chris Holden must have been pretty confident as the sprint began as he was more than happy to take Rob Shirley with him, but in the end, from where I was sitting anyway, Rob had that bit extra in the tank given he’s not been racing for real as much of late, and took the finish line by a nose, while I worked my way out of CBA mode to burgle a third place just before the line ahead of Cervelo R3 Man and Alan Price, who despite being one of last year’s Club Dinner award winners must now be in a straight fight with Chris Holden for the most improved rider title in a few months from now. Not that we should forget the tow-rope Chris has sitting on his mantlepiece……..

Some went home at this point but five of us, including yours truly, joined the B group at St Mary’s for a grand lunch. I did approve of Chris Holden’s strawberry gateaux, but not as much as my own choice; salmon, prawn and crab in a tortilla wrap served with a lush salad. This was devoured in record time, but I thought, well it’s ages since I was here, so let’s eat some more food. So while Chris was still sipping on one of his two cans of Coke and struggling to get past the halfway point of his food, I went back in and grabbed a piece of SALTED caramel and brownie cheesecake, also known by Paul as “a heart attack on a plate” which is somewhat ironic given I’m the one with the sub-50 heart rate that skyrockets when I stand up and I was also the one advised to put salt on all my food, which in itself is surely a licence to eat anything with SALTED caramel in, right? Other conversation topics included Chris going to Manchester to pick up the Oakleys and pink Rapha bottles, which brought back memories of that hilarious water stop when Colin got the double puncture on one of Kevan’s rides a couple of years ago; Kevan sends Charlie Critchley to the pub over the road for a refill “I have no problems with my manliness over pink bottles”……..Chinook: “GOT ANY I.D. ON YOU?”……..one liner epitome of awesomeness, I remember it like it was yesterday. Also on today’s discussion board was the C2C2C and why we should all train at peak intensity, at least as often as we can when not also battling up to sub-90 minute half-marathon standard (that should help with the bets you put on me for Project Leicester, do you want to win a crate of real ale or not) and the amount of weight Chris has lost to suddenly go as fast as he is now; any chance you could share which brand of coffee they serve at the Rapha shop? With the clouds getting darker overhead and the clock now past 12:30 it was time to head for home via Curlew Lane.

TWO BOLD PREDICTIONS FOR SUMMER RIDING: ANOTHER HEATWAVE AND MORE LADIES JOIN THE A GROUP

The five of us latched onto the back of a Sefton Velo group pretty much as soon as we hit the A59, and we only got past them once cars stopped coming the other way on this road which frequently gives me kittens. It was only after getting onto the road past Brandreth Barn that I felt confident enough to dump off the remaining water to go down to one full bottle for the remaining miles, which Chris seemed pretty astonished about given I ran out of water in last week’s Oven Bowl Special. I countered that by threatening to ride topless next time the mercury goes that high (oh dear Chris you‘re doomed, I wonder who will be joining the A group soon) but the main thing was that there was no chance of another flameout where I couldn’t cool myself down for a whole week with today’s cooler temperatures. WE even got a lucky break at the New Lane railway crossing when the barriers went up just as we got there, and at the Martin Inn I used the salt from cheesecake to good effect by cranking the pace up as we passed a group of black and pink riders from “RCC”. no I’ve never heard of them either, and nor had they heard of me until I started with the usual shouts like “don’t get to 80 and have regrets”. We crossed the A570 for Pinfold Lane, and shortly afterwards I turned right for home lest I get soaked by the incoming storm. So I powered through Haskayne at 24mph, before dropping to a rather more pedestrian 22mph through the “risk of grounding” segment towards the Formby bypass. After two more YOLO efforts to Tesco lights and then down Altcar Road I could swing into my drive having completed 70 miles and, against all expectations, it was a resounding success. More of the same next week before the long trip to Denbigh!

Now for the results, brought to you by Chris Holden’s choice, Rapha pink water bottles:

Distance: 112.56km/70.35 miles

Time: 3:38:32

Average Speed: 30.9kmh/19.32mph

Hors Cat Climbs: 2

Troublesome Transmissions: 2, one featuring a “muddy cleat”

Groups of Riders Overtaken: 3 (hash tag HMCCWinzLOL)

Star Performer of the Day: Chris Holden for dominating pretty much every discipline

Money Spent Today: £14.10 for seafood wrap, cheesecake and ginger beer

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Renault Scenic Man

(It was an open goal for any village idiot to win, and it’s all yours, loser)

See you all on Father’s Day for three in a row. How many D groupers will be on hand to buy their Dads cake at the café? Best jump off the A group hill climbing circuit before Long Heys if I’m not to miss out……….