The Super Bowl Strava Snatching Special

With the miserable forecast for Super Bowl Sunday having miraculously improved around 4:40pm yesterday, just as the hordes were leaving Anfield with Simon Mignolet in tow, we got a very healthy cohort of over 50 riders at the shop for the 9am start today. As such, five rides plus a solo effort would head out, with Alan Treanor off on a one-man effort round the Ironman bike course. The rest were split in the usual way, with the C group containing its usual suspects plus one or two resting up after their Saturday ride to the Wirral, while John and Matthew were joined by He On The Black And Yellow Focus for the B group trip. With Wilko only getting half a dozen takers for his Race group ride out towards Matchmoor the A's had to be split into two groups, with most who needed to be back early going with Steve Depport while the remaining eleven took on Neil Pollington's slightly longer trip to include a loop of Brindle. He would lead us out down Dark Lane to begin the ride.

COMING TO THE A GROUP SOON: FACEMASKED HELMETS AND SHOULDER PADS TO PROTECT AGAINST CRAZY PEOPLE

I settled into the left side of Row 4 alongside Greg on his Kooka Carba winter bike. You don't see many of these, because Graham Weigh cycles got a load of them in many years ago when naked carbon was all the rage, but he was an interesting bloke to talk to as I recounted the times I've seen him coming over the moss the other way. He would turn off for the Hors Cat Cobbles once we got to Hoscar Moss, but for the remaining 11 riders it was quite a task to point out the myriad of gravel patches and potholes which were giving me flashbacks to exactly a year ago when I landed on my chin on Curlew Lane, this in turn being the chief reason I took on a balance test the other day and nearly karate-chopped the ENT specialist's blood pressure monitor into its constituent parts. We got a free ride over the railway line which enabled us to build up a nice turn of speed going north and east towards the top end of Wanes Blades Road. Here, we turned left towards Rufford, passing the cafe for the first of what would turn out to be two trips across the fabled bridge despite the best efforts of a Strava hunter to flash by the other way and take the whole group out. With this nutcase having already spiked our blood pressures we traipsed towards the A59 which at least gave the chance to sneak through a gap others chose not to go for and join Dan Monaghan on the right side of Row 4, typically just as we turned right for Croston and started feeling the crosswind. But luckily I'd picked up a Gore Windstopper skull cap yesterday on my way back from a house viewing in Lydiate which probably was the only reason me and Dangerous Dave were even allowed to be in the same group. For his part, I must say Dangerous was putting on a remarkable turn of speed at the front which I didn't know he was capable of, and imagine if he'd stayed in a straight line? He was still out front as we got to Croston bridge with me now up to Row 3, but the traffic forced us to squeeze in somewhat and the last thing we needed was a late-braker giving us grief. Which is exactly what happened; we were approaching the train station when a lady driving an Isuzu 4x4 slammed on to talk to her friend on the pavement and nearly sent Ian Hampson through her rear window. Let's just say the visor version of the NFL helmet usually reserved for offensive linemen would have been his best option for keeping his eyesight intact had he gone head-first through the glass and it had me doing a bit of last-minute weaving too, so we were mightily relieved to get to the roundabout, turn right and head due east for the Texaco in Midge Hall, where Chris Cooke decided to kick Dangerous off the front and try and deal with me instead. In reality I think Dangerous had worked him into the ground as a couple of miles later I had Colin Clark to contend with for the sweeping back roads to Runshaw College followed by "Darren's Corner" at the mini-roundabout. We stayed out front across the huge junction and then the left-turn for Chorley, before I handed over to Simon at the next set of traffic lights. As I pointed out to Colin, that's how a team wins a Super Bowl, keep the workload turning over for short but intense efforts, with offense, defense and a kicker with a leg even bigger than mine (step forward Brandon McManus). Imagine an A group ride with 53 in the peloton! So now I could rest a bit away from the crosswind as we made our way out of suburbia and towards Brindle, the main destination point of the day, by which point a fair few pressing needs had to be seen to. But not for who you might think..........

NOW WE KNOW WHAT JP'S GOT IN STORE FOR THE B'S NEXT WEEK

As we began the long drag towards Brindle a few riders were asking "can we have a stop". I thought right on this occasion, that this must be a call to water some flowers as only me and Dangerous had thought to stop in Ormskirk to use the loo before heading off at 9am. So while some looked for a nearby bush and others declined my suggestion that they use the nearby pond, I got talking to John Collins about the house I visited yesterday, and how it might help me to afford a place with him in the Kuota Killers Klub. In addition he's got the same skull cap as me, so I think you can guess who's bankrolling today's results column. Anyway, we set off for Brindle church and continued onwards down the hill for Riley Green, where for once we turned left onto roads I don't really know. This was interesting, not least because it meant we got the first of two short, punchy climbs to torture the legs but also because I got to hear Ste's tales of dashing back from the Wirral ride yesterday to get to Anfield for the mass walkout. I can't quite see there being one tonight in San Francisco at the Super Bowl half-time show given that Coldplay and Beyonce are the headline acts, somehow. Once off the top of the climb we descended through Hoghton Towers and into Bamber Bridge where a bit of late-braking was needed, not least because Dangerous and John Collins had blasted down the descent in search of Strava glory on a long, fast plunge which had Dangerous in particular reaching frantically for the brakes but miraculously making the tight left-hander at the bottom of the hill. Here, we parked up outside a row of terraced houses which I could probably buy outright if that way inclined, before setting off with the group fully intact once more up the next punchy ascent past yet another Royal Oak pub. You'd think in this era of cat-lovers they'd have come up with something original like the Pup and Kitten, if only to pay homage to the kids running the Crazy Pups race before the Southport Mad Dog 10k today. Anyway, we would soon find ourselves on our way to the M61 roundabout where I said "it MUST be right" which naturally led Dan to suggest we tried to grab the Strava on the M61 itself. Well, I did see someone riding on the hard shoulder from the Rocket on the M62 a few weeks back. At this point me and Dangerous were under strict instructions not to push the pace so as to keep the group together, not that this was easy for me and my wheels to do given my old Vision TT hoops are my only 10-speed specific set in the garage right now. During this passage of play we got to see an old man "walking" his dog while sat in a mobility scooter. You certainly don't see that every day! Shortly afterwards we were only Chorley Old Road and for a moment I thought this would turn us towards Darwen, but instead we were about to get a sense of deja vu as we got to marvel at Ian Hampson’s climbing sprint up Shaw Brow and then reached the Brindle turn-off roundabout we went through earlier. Despite the best efforts of a silver Audi driver to not see us as we were the vehicles coming from the right we made good headway until we got to the lights before the exposed plunge past the local modern housing and industrial estates. Having survived the tough back roads intact you just knew we were about to get our first mechanical, or Deflate-Gate episode, of the day. No prizes for guessing who caused it and whether there'd be yet another original excuse either..........

THAT'S THE AIR TAKEN OUT OF MY CHALLENGE, AND GOD HELP ME NEXT SATURDAY AT WYTHENSHAWE PARK

As we approached the bridge past the Merlin Cycles industrial park John suggested the little ring. My face was one of horror for two reasons; firstly because he even thought it might be a good idea for yours truly, and secondly because by now I thought I had front suspension. The lights were luckily on red at the junction which gave me the chance to inspect the front tyre and sure enough, it was slowly losing air. So rather than ground the metal rim on the next straight and wreck yet another front wheel I pulled over with Chris Cooke who had the most awesome pump you'll ever see, the Lezyne Micro Floor Drive (full details here http://www.thebicyclelounge.co.uk/lezyne-micro-floor-drive-hp-hpg/) and indeed if I wasn't penny-pinching for that house near the Lanes round the back of Ormskirk I’d put an order in for one tomorrow morning, because despite listening to Chris’ sales pitch I still had the new tube installed in a PB-demolishing 8 minutes 19:54 seconds. It turned out later that the tube wasn’t even punctured, instead it was a loose valve core. Truth be told, I’d been a bit suspicious of this because I’d had the b*****d pop out when pumping the tyre up before last Friday’s beast session ride so at least it proved how silly removable valve cores really are given you can now get 80mm deep inner tubes (as if I’d be trusted with anything deeper than a pair of STRIKES) but things were about to get a little more claustrophobic on the restart. First, we turned off the main road at the first opportunity for a narrow back road. This one wasn’t too difficult as it was sheltered nicely, but the first road we got onto after a brief spell on the A49, Back Lane, was the one that we normally do going east, and with the crosswind now gusting at well over 30mph, me on 42mm deep wheels and a succession of cars coming the other way on a narrow pothole-strewn pathway, it was only a miracle that saved me from being blown over as my head went all woozy once more and all those Race group-standard punches I’d been rolling with as well as throwing myself now seemed like a distant memory. As such I was only too happy to get held back by a 4x4 and two girls riding in a carriage behind a baby horse. Well, that’s one way to enjoy the great outdoors without putting much effort in, I guess. From here it was onto the main road to the north of Eccleston before a swift swing onto Tinckler’s Lane. By this stage the headwind was hitting out hard and Colin Clark was doing Darren’s role for the day by speeding up as the resistance got tougher and tougher to contend with, the group then shrinking to ten once Neil turned off just prior to the Robin Hood leaving the rest to decide where to go next. Food or no food? Is that even a question?

I’M A SURVIVOR, I’M NOT GON’ GIVE UP, I’M NOT GON’ STOP, I’M GON’ WORK HARDER (MUSIC TO ST MARY’S EARS)

After surviving the craters of Mawdesley village, I joined Vikki plus the Dangerous/Chris dynamic duo in heading for lunch at St Mary’s, and we kicked on nicely with the crosswind trying once more to blow us into the ditch despite the best efforts of Nissan Micra driver to get herself CHINOOK’D by frantically passing the four of us 100 metres from the end of Black Moor Road. Some people just can’t get out of their OWN ways, I guess. With no-one up for attacking I decided to give the antique Vision T42’s a bit of golden-years glory at the railway line before we turned into the car park just as half a dozen riders were leaving the café.

I managed to use THE ARM to great effect to get my order in ahead of two fat blokes who were probably unable to decide between the supersize all day breakfast or the steak pie and chips, and I chose the daily special, the roast beef and stilton toastie with side salad. This went down very quickly indeed much to Vikki’s amazement (how on earth did she complete the ride with only a coffee and can of Coke, has Ironman fat-burn training now become a part of the Mallorca 312 regime? I’m sure I saw Alan with about 35 gels in his pockets this morning). While I was having lunch and Chris and Dave were consuming a tiffin and giant scone respectively, the Race group arrived, which led Dave to wonder whether I was doing a JP on the A group as in “shouldn’t you be with them Chinook”. Well, as I pointed out, some parts of today’s ride were very good for me, but there were too many inconsistencies to put me back in the top bracket just yet. That said they do always seem to visit the café, so if I keep the lines from that legendary Destiny’s Child song of 15 years vintage in mind (it was way ahead of its time and should definitely have won the 2001 Record of the Year instead of S Club 7) I might just work harder and yes, I’m sure St Mary’s Marina will then have enough money in their tills to employ another student saving up their £9,000-a-year tuition fees (hopefully not a rival first-time house buyer, then). Dangerous and Chris left together to tackle the Beacon and Vikki wondered where on earth her brother had got to, so I suggested we tailgate the Rave, or should that be RACE, group as far as we possibly could; with the wind blowing right to left I pointed out that most of them should be easy to hide behind if we cocooned ourselves on the left side of the formation. But that was without reckoning on a few pitch invaders who would play a starring role in those final tough miles. Read on to find out why.

WHO NEEDS MECHANICAL DOPING WHEN YOU CAN JUST EMPLOY TWO DOMESTIQUES?

We crested the bridge once more and hadn’t even got to the first corner out of the pits when a Richard Keys lorry (NOT the bloke who used to front Sky Sports Super Sunday) saw us coming, braked JUST in time and had to stop just before the railway line. Having already managed to rack up a close shave with one large vehicle we then ended up very close to the back of another 4x4 at the small bridge just before the Owd Barn. We were rather relieved to get onto the Hoscar Moss but Tom spotted two hardy racers just up the road, one on a Dolan, the other on a Kuota KOM. Having already mentioned how much I like the new 2016 Kuota Kalibur I should now point out that Mr KOM himself would be instrumental in shaping the final few miles of the ride, as together with his Dolan mate and Tom the three of them made for quite an imposing race team to contend with especially as by now the group was down to six riders (the other three being Stephen, Wilko and - unbelievably - yours truly). Really I could have done with someone on my right side at this point but the next best thing was to tailgate the top three as much as possible before they inevitably got away at the start of Dark Lane. This left Wilko, me and Stephen to shuffle-step about for a while, with the three of us cresting the top of Greetby Hill in that order, before I turned left at the fourth time of asking to look at a 3 bed semi on Derby Hill Crescent. It looks like NSW Properties have a gem on their hands here (apparently it’s Neil and Stephen Warnock not New South Wales) and I then returned to Derby Hill Road just in time to ask Claire Lane a few questions about the area, why two cats were up to no good in the house opposite and how many 22 Club memberships are sold to people living so close to the fabled orange lights. Having discussed these matters plus the day’s rides and the unfortunate schisms which have surfaced on Facebook recently I decided that 40mph gusts of headwind were more than enough so set sail for home, passing by NSW near the clock tower en route. From here it was the usual script; ascend Ormskirk Hill with a bit more out-the-saddle activity than normal owing to the deeper wheels, plunge down WHOOSH then time-trial as fast as possible all the way home, managing 20mph up to the Gastropub but being blunted to as low as 15mph before Farmer Ted’s. Once I’d rounded up two crackpots on MTB’s just after the Cheshire Lines bridge I picked up speed nicely on the descent and settled into an 18mph average but the YOLO over the Formby Cycles bridge only netted me a score of 20mph and I was more than happy to get over the junction in one piece before parking the bike up in the garage at 1:50pm after a great day out. Many thanks to Neil for stepping forward once it became apparent that the A’s had to split into two groups, and well done to those doing their second tough ride of the weekend too.

Now for the results, in association with today’s lifesaver, the Gore Windstopper Skull Cap:

Distance: 107.76km/67.35 miles

Time: 3:53:04

Average Speed: 27.74kmh/17.34mph

Dodgy Valve Cores: 1

Hors Cat Climbs: 2 baby-sized efforts

Piss Stops: 1

Late Brakers: 2 both of whom nearly took the group out

Money Spent Today: £9.35 on beef/stilton toastie plus cappuccino

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Isuzu Driver and her mate

(Any time “do you honestly think……..” comes out of Mr Catlike, you’ve probably won the award)

Love is in the air next weekend Sunday as we ride out on Valentine’s Day. Though whether I’ll be in any fit state to move after the Wythenshawe Park Cross Country, I’m not sure. First lady to go CHICKING yours truly in the sprint gets a free cappuccino at the café, how about that?