S is for Suzuka, Southport and Super Spaniard's Scotch Egg

It was a last of the summer bikes special today as we got around 50 at the shop for the 9am start. Four groups formed with Neil's B ride to Hoghton Tower proving quite popular and Ralph taking another B team while the C's did their usual local loop. That left 18 in the group led by Matt and Steve Depport to take in a few possible hillclimb venues for next week (guess what, I'm JP'ING in Eastham got a gig). Matt set off with his teammates scrambling to beat a red traffic light before grinding up Ruff Lane.

IT'S NOT RAINING NOR IS IT YOLO TIME YET, WHERE DID YELLOW SUBMARINE COME FROM LUKE?

I slotted in on Row 5 as the group scrambled to form up after the abortive stop/start procedure with the traffic lights had me shouting "WE MUST GET THROUGH". As soon as you hear me in YOLO mode at 9:10am you know it's going to be one of those rides. After all, we didn't have any of the wind-up brigade out last week and this time we had quite a few while one would grace us with his presence later coming the other way on the Tarleton coast road.  In true "spot everything" fashion which has had the parents of one child I teach wonder if I have some autistic traits (spots a runner jogging far too slowly down the side of Edge Hill and two cute squirrels in the first 10 miles but can't get the fridge organised with yellow labels aplenty) I noted the jogger down as someone ripe for a thrashing at Project Cotswolds next year unless he gives up the pies and eats 15 salads a day while doing all morning runs on only coffee in the name of hashtag fatburn (thought I'd do Charlotte's job while she's enjoying Italy so much). We continued across the A577 towards the Plough and onto the road for Stormy Corner, where we saw someone fixing a puncture on a winter bike that presumably hasn't been out of the garage for a few months. Guess that accounts for the thorn, then. We carried on up Cobbs Brow and up the first Beacon incline towards a new housing development sure to add to the vast number of such complexes in the area surrounding everyone's favourite shopping centre, the Connie. I think we've all heard of that one. I was actually more surprised that Luke is old enough to know the song Yellow Submarine as he volunteered a sing-song on Beacon Part 2 but he soon regretted it as the call was made to continue to the Prince William. David "Scotch Egg" Cazorla, back from his fun in the United States of Europe, outduelled the HMCC road race organiser for honours at the summit while yours truly made the pass on Matt stick to place third, and first of the summer bikes. We rolled down the hill over a plethora of potholes and sharp road surfaces which must be unfamiliar to David, before regrouping at the roundabout to turn left for Bank Top. The climb to the top was far less eventful than the death wish descent where I saw the pink socks, said "bit early for a YOLO this" and our navy boy shouted exactly what you would expect as he flew past at over 40mph to take the corner with ease. Remember, everything is there to be taken. Matt decided against the Appley Bridge housing estate, preferring to pass the Endurance Store who must be hoping to sign me to a half Ironman coaching plan more sophisticated than DOMINATE TIMES SEVEN each week as per what Charlotte's quotes suggest, but for now it was the Luke and David show as once again our professional road racer pulled away, even having time to check his rear wheel wasn't costing him the chance to win by even more. For my part I'd already had the "legs get bigger" moment on the Beacon but what a great comeback by Steve Kernigan after suffering the trauma of the yellow skullcap sprinting past him on foot on Wednesday morning. We would cross the main road and, after a piss stop, prepare for Eccleston via Wrightington.

IF ONLY MATT SOLD LIGHTWEIGHT GOPROS I'D BE A YOUTUBE STAR NOW

We got back on the Ironman route for the next few miles, now with me and Steve K out front. During this passage of play we simply would not relent because every training session between now and August 5 2018 is absolutely critical. However, one no-mark in a Renault Clio decided to keep their foot on the gas as we passed the Leach Nurseries leading to the loudest ever round of "YOU F***ING IDIOT" from the Limar 007 which proved extremely entertaining and had me wishing we had it on record for you to enjoy. With this idiot well on the way to at least a share of the Reject award we got back out in the open as the road headed north towards Eccleston where we used up one last afterburner before swapping places once more. A right turn had us on Bradley Lane, a road John Pout said he'd never been down before; I countered that this was the home of Pizza-Gate from six years ago when the cardboard boxes were out in force. Today, though, everyone was thinking turbos and turnips to trim and tone ahead of the party season as we continued towards the A49 via one of the many "Back Lanes" frequented on our travels. We had to stop for a bit of traffic which dulled John Hill's attacking tendencies for 10 seconds - far too long obviously - but we were up and at it as we crested the Col de Huge Junction en route to Euxton bridge and then the gradual uphill to the Chorley T-Junction. Here, we went left and up the A6 just as a few spits of rain came into the air and this certainly had a few of us panicking about not having mudguards or, indeed, wanting to give dour new chainrings a run-out before retiring them for a few months. We were helped during this tour of the north Chorley roundabouts by judicious use of THE ARM more than once but such was the peak of the downpour that some even wanted to cape up. They got the chance as a red light split led to a hold-up of over a minute - far longer than the botched pitstop at today's Japanese Grand Prix which cost the other JP his last ever chance of points (Jolyon "EXCUSE" Palmer, already 5star's least favourite racing driver even though he'd probably never heard of him until now) and during the minute waiting time I shovelled down a Beet It bar, right on cue to prevent an energy fail during the maximum stress stage of the ride. Now up and running again we could set about returning home with various add-ons included, beginning with Longmeanygate.

YOU KNOW IT'S JACKASS TIME WHEN CHINOOK GETS A FIT OF THE GIGGLES

Our return route was more like a long second half to a West End show that you wish would just finish before 10:30pm but for our prt we kept things interesting by riding through many back roads with bumps aplenty which had some shouting at the leaders to point them out; no you don't heave the bars in a big gear to go faster, there's only one Chinook. We reached the end of the country road section and turned right for Bretherton where for once we kept the speed to only 22mph, a real surprise. Indeed, we passed the Croston turn-off which confirmed the plan to go to Tarleton. However, the Luke and David show had an unexpected effect when a "stop, CAR" call was interpreted very differently by various characters and the end result was Ian catching Steve Depport's rear wheel and doing a CHINOOK on the original A group ride leader! It was a crazy crash and Ian must have realised he'd beaten the Renault driver for the Reject award with that one but I'd really like one of Steve Depport's mudflaps; Steve, do you manufacture them in Denver orange? How's that for forward thinking, a bit like the multicoloured armwarmers I got yesterday in Tri-Active Chester. We were up on our feet once more and set sail for Tarleton where surprisingly the pace hovered around 20mph until Ste started bellowing orders to go faster to anyone out front to be prepared to bury themselves for the good of others. I followed that with "if you don't beast this you will lose the next race" but at least racing is good fun; I read a story about a bikini competitor the other day who had a piece of birthday cake snatched away by her coach because that would mean she would lose the show (8 weeks later..........) So don't go calling me the extreme one, just the one who is hopelessly inefficient, after all I did go and look at more comfortable options from Giant this afternoon. Indeed I was alongside David Rodgers and his Giant Defy, a really tall bike but quite a choice for those who really want disc brakes (this example was a few years old and still see traditional stoppers). We led until shortly before the left hand bend at the end of Shore Road having spotted Formby Darren coming the other way with his Team KTM Masters contract flapping out of his rear pocket. There was a bit of flapping in Banks as parked cars and slow motorists had us all over the show but next up was the coast road, or more to the point "keep that Mercedes engine in a straight line, Chinook........"

WELL THAT'S ONE WAY TO WAKE UP A STRUGGLING TEAMMATE

We got scattered at the roundabout but were back together for the dash down the coast road towards Pleasureland. During this passage of play, Peugeot 208 Man blew the longest car horn of the day at us, and Renault Modus Man then tried to force his way between the leaders and stragglers and needed THE ARM, complete with multicoloured armwarmers, to force him back. Quite why I was at the tail of the lead group I'm not sure, but then again the crosswind and failure to stay calm when thinking "we should be going much faster than this" had me feeling seasick and truth be told I can't wait to add chassis stability to what is clearly a competitive engine. Just like watching the Mercedes with number 44 on it struggling to hold off the Red Bull-Renault after the final virtual safety car at Suzuka today, but you probably already guessed that. One rider, whose name I don't know but was on a Red Bull coloured Dolan, was dropping a bit away in the lead group and he got quite a wake-up from GUESS WHO when the front tyre on a certain Specialized Tarmac rubbed his rear chain stay. He'd just avoided getting CHINOOK'D but it certainly woke him up and he actually rode very well later on during the final miles where chassis was more important than engine. For now, we battled the hordes of Southport day trippers past the theme park and I was panicking t the thought of doing the whole coast road followed by a 13km YOLO from Formby Cycles to Ormskirk but instead we turned left at the roundabout and went down Rotten Row for the A565 option. This had us going past Greenbank then down the hill towards the bizzie station and a row of car showrooms who just failed to sell me a new motor; according to John Farrington I'm the world's youngest Toyota Yaris owner. We stayed on this main road all the way to the lights before the golf club but to finish off we would tackle Plex Moss Lane, thankfully with a straight tailwind.

YOU'D NEVER KNOW MY NEW CAR CAME WITH A LANE DEPARTURE WARNING SYSTEM..........

The bridge was crested and we stayed tight together down this narrowest of roads which thankfully was pretty clean and not too windy. I'll always remember last winter's ride down here when I nearly CHINOOK'D Ian into the ditch. However, it appears as though its now in a better condition than Greens Lane near Rufford as we were able to keep a good speed up, at least until the biggest save of the day; I misjudged the trajectory of the last right-hand kink before the A5147 and put both wheels into the rocky gravel! I've got no idea how I stayed upright but I was very happy to reach the crossing in one piece and from here it was a case of Catch the Kernigator; Steve had tried to escape for a piss stop from quite a way out leading one or two to murmur "we're nearly home can't he hang on" but in any case we had Shepherd's Lane to contend with. Mini Driver held up the field at the base of the climb and several loonies on motorbikes cheered and clapped as we made our way up but Señor Cazorla came up trumps again leaving the rest of the field behind as I rolled to the top in 6th place. From here we continued towards the West Tower junction where I noticed the odometer showing 95km so I was on pace to reach 99 at the finish. What to do? Well, how about turn right at the roundabout, go over the main road and do Tour d'Aughton? We did exactly that, passing the Co-Op in the process and almost breaking John Hill's gearbox into the bargain (it's called refusing to change gear, see they're catching on). The splintered group continued to the Dog and Gun where I turned left for home, past Morrisons and up the hill for one last YOLO before parking the bike in the garage having done 63 miles, surely strengthening up the legs as part one of Project Cotswolds. And after a quick lunch it was off to help someone with bike sizing at that big showroom in Chorley, back to their house for tea and cakes, then a return to the Aughton Co-Op to raid the reduced section.........and find David's favourite, the Scotch egg! That was a great starter before the pizza, beer and Grand Prix fun and games, or lack thereof; clearly the lesson learned from today's events is don't gamble on worn parts or low fuel loads, what a shambles Ferrari have become. Might not even bother with the worn parts conundrum and just get a new bike myself..........

Now for the results, brought to you by David's favourite, the Co-Op Scotch Egg:

Distance: 101.2km
Time: 3:02:40
Average Speed: 30.26kmh
Stupid Drivers: 3
Beet It Bars: 2
Crashes: 1 plus two near-misses from yours truly
Cloudbursts: 1
Colour Rush Specials: One set of pink socks and one pair of Zoot armwarmers

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Ian vs Steve Depport's mudguard
(Any time you bin it at a T-junction it's an open goal for a reject award)

Enjoy the Huge Hillclimb next week, I'm off for a weekend of running through mud and attending gigs, both to play at them and watch them. First up is Heaton Park Cross Country then my old piano teacher performing Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue in Heswall. Might even take the bike, stay at the pub overnight and try JP'ING the descent to the town centre the next morning before my own gig..........