S is for Stoney, Skippy and Speedy

Despite the various attractions of the Oulton Park Duathlon, the Ormskirk 10k and the little matter of what turned out to be a very poor Merseyside derby where really neither team deserved to pick up any points, there were still around 50 riders at the shop today to be split into four groups. The Lanes took the C's across, well, The Lanes of Lancashire to Roots cafe, Matt took an A/B Rhian Racing Special out towards Rivington, and Wilko's lot had already gone out early doors to Jubilee Tower. That left 14, to become 15, in Neil Pollington's group who would do a mini hillclimbing circuit before doing some flatland TT efforts in an attempt to get back home for the match. Neil's group were second to leave after the C's, beginning with Dark Lane.

LOSE CONTROL OF YOUR BIKE AND YOU'LL GET LYNCHED

We headed out of town behind a row of cars who got in our way as we passed the railway station, before tackling a Dark Lane which actually looks as though it's had some work done on it. Part of that must be down to the loose chippings brigade who pop up every now and then, but it's good to know there's still money in the kitty. As we approached the turn-off for Flax Lane we caught the C group, and they'd left John Lynch behind with what looked like a sticky gearshift. That led to a fair few cheers from the faster group because they wondered exactly what John would do to the Lanes Division after his performance last week on the way back from Dunham Massey. Anyway, we re-routed to the Hoscar Moss via Flax Lane and the A5207 but we only stayed on here up to the point of catching the C's once more. A far better call was to go right over the cobbles where it was pretty miraculous that no-one rounded me up and ran into the back of me as I struggled to keep a firm grip on these new, stiffer handlebars. But when you get pain you always get gain, and they would prove to be very useful indeed on the first major climb of the day. We were a bit cautious about approaching the Beacon as we knew the inter-club hillclimb was on but as I pointed out, early doors was pretty much the only time to go for it as the race didn't start until 11:30am (someone should have told them there was a match on at 1:30, start it earlier next time guys). There's been a fair bit of discussion early doors about men vs boys (in other words last night's rugby, to say nothing of the upcoming demolition of Teddy Bridgewater and the Minnesota Vikings tonight on CBS at 9:25pm, GO BRONCOS) but the boys, including one 30 year-old who seemingly can't find a way to age (and as such straddles both eras for now) who would play starring roles for various reasons as we completed the full Ashurst Beacon.

As we began the climb I was all ready to launch myself over the new, stiffer Deda Zero 100 handlebars and launch an attack. This wouldn't have been much use in real terms as Paul, Steve, Charlie and Luke formed a four-man stranglehold on the first four places as I weaved my way round those old enough to remember the last time a football championship came to Merseyside. Having dispatched most of them, except Mark Titchener who noted that my chain needs a link removing (yes please Matt upgrade me to the superlight titanium version for 2016, then I might be as fast as Darren up hills once again). As we rounded the left-hander at the church I'd pretty much decided that 5th was all I could hope for, but as we began the all-important final part of the climb Luke started wobbling and had to pull over. Guess what? His cassette had worked loose! I didn't quiz him as to whether he'd picked up one of the special offer Dura-Ace cassettes recently offered in Matt's shop but I had more important things to worry about like detailing the finishing order and whether I could actually do the impossible and steal a podium place. That would have to wait for another couple of climbs, as despite a late attempt on the goalline Charlie and his new Kuota Kuogar did enough to hold me off, but at least I could record the result; Steve (aka Cannondale Disc Brakes Man) had won, with Paul Bolton second and me just quite happy to settle for 4th as the really BIG event of the autumn is now just two weeks away. Dan Monaghan joined us at this point too. I thought he was just ready to take pictures of the Second Biggest Hillclimb in Lancashire but instead he joined us for the descent down Crow Lane. This was pretty hairy not least when a car disturned the peace, but soon we were on our way down Bank Top and turning left for Lees Lane. After a bit of scrambling to change back to the little rings we were told another climb was coming up, but we could never have guessed just how eventful it would be. Wait a minute...........LONG HEYS LANE?

OK SKIPPY YOU CAN F*** OFF NOW, YOU'VE GOT MY GOOD CHUMZ FROM WALES TO CONTEND WITH SOON

Once Long Heys Lane was confirmed I was planning my uphill running spring and dismount technique in preparation for that huge race in Settle in a fortnight's time. Just as I was sitting pretty near the back waiting for the fireworks to go off though, Paul Moy got dragged to a standstill. I only caught the back of it, but it turned out that a DEER of all things had literally SKIPPED over his top tube wallaby-style and caused him to skid on the rough road surface! It looked as though the wallabies were on the attack once more after last night's sham at Twickenham (I only tuned in for short highlights as I'm more into rugby league and the NFL but you knew that already) and the sheer cacophony of laughter made me realise that there really was no competition for the Reject award. Next up was my laughable attempts to keep control on the shards of stone that little the opening segment of the climb, so I was left to run after Ian Hampson as fast as I could, not realising that these S-Works shoes aren't really as good as my SIDI's for underfoot grip. After this it was something of a relief to be able to weave through the backmarkers, go up the middle of Mark and DNA Dave (who did his usual comments which I always translate into "break those legs, it's all about the beating") and I recovered to 6th place in time to find that Charlie had taken the climb with the likes of Paul Botlon once again playing a starring role. He even commented that there was no "Castelli" sign - I remember when other companies actually advertised including a milk farm a couple of years ago. After that it was down the Beacon at 40mph and on towards Parbold, this after being forced to tailgate a white van which had Charlie looking at my drafting technique and thinking "how the f*** does this guy survive the Llanrwst Triathlon when it's on open roads" but after crossing the railway line it was up the Common and the next thought was about the third climb, Hunter's or Stoney? I got my wish as we would get the chance to pass the posh houses and duck ponds of Wrightington West,in other words ascend Stoney Lane. And I certainly saved the best for last, as Luke's gearbox once again refused to shift, well pretty obvious when the cassette itself is rattling, but while Steve shot off to record a crushing win I was contending with Charlie and a rear mech that was shifting gears all by itself. This meant I had to stay in the saddle and watch the Kuogar waltz off with second place but a bronze medal was a very unexpected bonus, given that the likes of DNA Dave has been improving so much recently and he's been treating no-cafe-stop rides as something of a badge of honour. In fact I would dive in the squirrel snatcher at the Rigbye Arms for my only fuel stop of the day, a McVities Hobnob Flapjack, while waiting for the group to reform, and on the restart I got to discuss Steve McClaren's job security with the aforementioned Super Steve, who was looking forward to the 4pm game so had much more time to ride around doing hills before heading for home. For now we would aim straight for Eccleston, rather more straight than the two riders who parked up on the inside of a T-junction just as we needed to go left, but soon we were off and running northwards with a little tailwind to enjoy.

NEVER MIND HORSE POWER, JUST GIVE IT A BULL CHARGE

We rocketed towards the humpback bridge at well over 25mph and didn't even take the time to wave at any speed cameras in our way. It was only after turning left at the Texaco then right towards Leyland that we got slowed by three horses, one of which looked particularly unsettled, so we had to pedal very gently to keep those clicky freewheels from kicking off. After this it was left at the once-legendary Black Bull pub which we had come across as open and busy on various rides; today it is all boarded up and looking like an increasingly unattractive business venture. A real shame indeed. We then turned west and out into the open on Cocker Bar Road, towards Paul Bolton's favourite TT course in Tarleton, where speeds of over 25mph were punched out for long periods. This led to various choice comments including "it's a bit early for that " and "you only regret the chances you didn't take". A right-turn got us onto the last stanza of the Tarleton 10 course, whereupon we turned left down the A59 and over the humpback bridge for Tarleton lights, before continuing to attack through the village itself. We'd got to enjoy our fair share on interesting motorists, including the usual "I'm in a 4x4 so I MUST PASS YOU NOW" and a vintage vehicle with its driver and spare wheel exposed to the elements, but after dodging the roadworks on the moss the only vehicles going fast would be us, and particularly after I got to join DNA Dave out on the front for an "attack the other guy" session. He let me "deal" with Dan Monaghan who, we had now concluded, did NOT have any cameras with him to record any gurners on the Beacon. Instead he rocketed past me while I got angry and aggressive at only managing to top out at 24mph and started shouting "we should be going MUCH FASTER than this" while Neil said "oh dear it's YOLO time". Well he was about ten minute early on that but surely you all know what I'm going to do by now?

SHUT YOUR BRAIN OFF AND PASS AS MANY BIKES AS YOU CAN

We began today's YOLO segment by dodging yet another horse and rounding up two riders out on a leisurely cruise who must have heard of HMCC because as I passed them they said "this must be the A group" to which I replied "no it's the D group". Having just lost us two new members I was in the middle of the pack as the rotation for through and off began, but as Paul took over the front on his Kuota I jumped back alongside him, and as I knew I wasn't contesting the sprint for Rufford nor was going to the cafe I was just trying to stretch things out and try my hardest to break a few legs. it must have worked, because not everyone flew past me en masse, but this meant I needed a timely break to the right so I could aim for Curlew Lane and try to cut out any extra miles on the run home. My first "extra" target was Ribble Man, who I spotted while held up at the south end of Curlew. I "dealt" with him just before the turn-off for the railway line, and just after cross New Lane I spotted two more riders up ahead, one of whom was on an old Pinarello with - SHOCK HORROR - external cable routing! Having got rid of these two I could set my sights on the High on Bikes RT factory but rather than ask them for a quote on a Kuota Kougar I carried on towards North Moor Lane, passing Scott Speedster Man as I did so. By now I really wanted something to eat but decided to be HASHTAG disciplined about eating any more calories and trusted my remaining energy reserves to get me over the Haskayne Moss. This I duly did despite the attentions of two little dogs and their owners, and after cresting the bridges of West Lancashire I could smash my way to Tesco lights at 24mph. This meant all I had to do was attack one last time down Altcar Road with my head now starting to baing inside from the rising heat (yes I really do love these four season rides at this time of year) and after dodging the BMX kids down my drive I could park the bike in the garage at 12:15pm having completed 60 varied miles, before heading to the pub in time to watch one of the most disappointing derby matches I've ever had the misfortune to watch; I stand by my Facebook comments that only Ings and Barkley did anything of real interest, though at least Roy Hodgson can pick them for the next England game. Time to look up those Rainford and Ormskirk 10k results for the St Helens Star before sitting down to that show that a St Helens entry really can win..........

Now for the results, brought to you by the best handlebars ever, the Deda Zero 100:

Distance: 96.52km/60.38 miles

Time taken: 3:06:29

Average Speed: 31.05kmh/19.41mph

Horses: 4

Hors Cat Climbs: 3

Skippies: 1

Flapjacks Eaten: 1

Post Ride Nutrition: 10/10 (Beef madras and three pints of Stella in th Royal, Formby)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Skippy

(So that's why the Endurance Store Winter Duathlons don't go near Long Heys, then)

See you all next week for the BIG one to Beeston Castle. I've already planned the last breakaway with Emma Newton-Thorpe for the Woodside "Home" cafe at the ferry terminal. The codes have already been recited and rehearsed, but what about me having some slightly less oversized legs so I don't run out of gas on the front? If only..........