The Ride of the Fallen Leaf

Despite yesterday's century ride to Beeston Castle the numbers at the shop weren't too far down on normal and we actually managed to muster up no less than five groups at the shop for the 9am start today. Pam appeared after puncturing on the way over to the shop to take the C's, two B groups were led by Matt and Neil, while two A groups also formed. Steve Depport took a ride out east featuring half of the "top table" regulars while Wilko shelved his plans for an 8am start and led an eight-strong cast on a loop similiar to the one we did last week. The A groups were last to divide and Tom led proceedings out of town, beginning with the loop round the cricket club.

TOUR DE SOUTH-WEST LANCS, AVEC SATELLITE DISHES

We set about chasing one of the B groups down as we climbed up Alty's Lane and got within striking distance as we reached the T-junction. They continued on the Ormskirk 10k route while we went straight on through a mass of puddles to the Dog and Gun. Once again an ill-timed car held us up somewhat, but unlike last week no-one used it to sneak to the front and instead Tom had us spinning along nicely all the way to Prescot Road, where we joined the Boxing Day TT loop. This took us past the car garage and towards the M58 flyover but we went left into the old part of Melling where Mark Titchener was heard discussing his Winter Solstice ride - at the rate he's going he'll need two groups to fit all the riders in, though the three-stop strategy was music to my ears if no-one else's. There's certainly nowhere to stop for a bite to eat in Shevingtons Lane on the east end of Kirkby but it was a brief dip into Merseyside, and the first of the relatively smooth roads, as the road through Simonswood was nothing short of vicious with the myriad of potholes and the discarded cake container at the roadside. After spending a couple of minutes in the Land of 46,754 Sky Dishes we saw another "Welcome to West Lancashire" sign. No, I didn't know the two parish councils were that close either.......In fact we were on our way back towards the Bickerstaffe "10" course via the alternative version, aka three laps of the Bickerstaffe Bowl (I still remeber that hilarious five-in-one-go overtake in June 2013 at the TT when I blew the doors off four drafting teammates plus Fuji D6 Man, Lewis Hamilton eat your heart out) and before we knew it we were at the roundabout, where a slight hesitation as to whether or not to stop for a car left me scrambling to change down six gears at once, which probably explains why Stefan said "yes that's a good idea Chinook". With my new SRAM Apex rear mech still miraculously in one piece with all the constituent parts intact we could set off for Billinge, where another Chinook prang was all set to kick off.

THAT'LL TEACH ME NOT TO PUMP THE TYRES UP FOR MORE SPEED

We chased a car over the Rainford station bridge just as the lights turned to green. Unlike last week we stayed away from the main village centre but still passed the local running club's hillclimb circuit before leaving suburbia to return to the wild. Once again Shaley Brow was murmured and rumoured throughout the peloton both before and after our first friendly motorist cut us up only 15 miles into the ride, but Wilko had a far better idea. Just before you reach the little rise into Billinge, there's a dead end. Or at least that's how it's marked. Actually, it's a really fun climb up to a waste dumping station which only Wilko and Tom Hanlon have prior knowledge of - apparently Wigan Harriers do beast hill sessions on this long, drawn-out ascent. There wasn't much attacking on this climb and it was more a case of a couple of riders dropping off the back rather than anyone breaking free, which meant a few flowers were watered and a custard cake slice disappeared from the top tube bag. Only trouble was, we now had to tackle a slippery descent into Billinge and by that I MEAN a nasty slippery one. It was full of sharp turns and muddy stretches and twice my back tyre slid around like it was on an ice rink which amused Stefan no end; he pointed out that an old man on a mobility scooter was coping with it far better than I was. I can only guess that bloke had Pirelli F1-style tyres on his machine as he looked positively amused by my epic failure to keep my composure on such a fun downhill. We parked up at the lights where the side road bisects with the A571 which gave us a few moments to look longingly at the sweets and ice creams in the cornershop cafe, at least until Charlie remarked that ice-cream was the worst food to eat on a ride. I take it the HOB Race Team don't focus their efforts on the Ice Cream Ride every June then? Thought not. Anyway, we led the next couple of miles as we broke off from last week's route once more, on the descent into Orrell.

THE MOST BIZARRE ROTR AWARD EVER? AT LEAST IT'S NOT YET ANOTHER MECHANICAL

I thought I had a 10-second lead on the pack having darted through a gap in the traffic on Winstanley Road but my sunglasses aren't great in low-sunlight situations and four riders blasted past before I even knew they were there. The run toward Orrell itself was fairly straightforward, but shortly after cresting the little climb after the Stag, an almighty HISS sounded. It was coming from my front tyre and I was convinced that these tyres and their 100% record were dead and buried. We pulled over after I'd said "I think I've got a puncture" but upon inspecting the front wheel the 120psi was still very much all there. So I checked the rear wheel and the crank and just as I'd looked over the transmission, the penny dropped. Or should that be the leaf? That's right, a bloody leaf of all things had lodged itself in the front brake caliper and caused an untimely park-up. Given we still ended up with a plus-19 average speed there wasn't much to complain about, but have you ever heard a more bizarre recipient of a Reject award? Right, there's today's prize sorted. We continued down the descent at Gathurst station where Mark Titchener remarked that a piano player's ears should be able to differentiate between the A flat sound of a puncture and the E minor key of a fallen leaf (yeah right) when the longest climb of the day began up towards Standish. I'd already pointed out that I have no 11t sprocket on these wheels so any bit of climbing is a bonus for goring down the dinner-plate gears but for a short while I even got to lead the pack. Charlie overtook me just after the mini-roundabout but that was inevitable; indeed he stayed out front all the way to the end despite what Wilko and Fast (Kinesis) Rick might think. Remember, the adjudicator's decision is final. The group reformed at the new housing development just past the M6 flyover and now we could begin plotting the northward tailwind part of the route towards Midge Hall. Mark went from being 8th on the climb to 1st and fastest man on the first segment to the mini-roundabout before he handed off to me and Wilko at Hunger Hill. Of note during this run towards Eccleston was the fact that Yet Another Farmer's Arms is now open from 10am on weekends for breakfast; now there's an idea for a cafe sprint! The order stayed pretty much like that until Kinesis Rick stopped his conversation about Wilier Zero 9 bikes with Mark Titchener and pushed me harder than ever out front (Matt, I think you've got another road racing star here, that's if any races actually happen in 2015) We also got stopped at a pedestrian crossing by a lady walking two dogs, while walking herself in giant PINK wellies. What weather forecast had she been watching? Certainly not the same one as us, given how many people still haven't fitted mudguards (I did order the glow-in-the dark ones this week but they haven't arrived yet). For my sins in this regard, you'll be only too happy to hear that I beasted it all the way to the Texaco garage, rounding up Cannondale Synapse Man as I went, before handing off to Tom for the next northwards run past HM Prisons and the Black Bull pub. He continued the speed creep started by me and Rick, and he led proceedings all the way out into the open in the form of North Road and the Tarleton "10" course, before turning onto the A59 with the cafe only a few miles away.

YES EMMA, I KNOW I DON’T EAT OR LOOK LIKE A RACE GROUP PRO, I JUST TURN GEARS LIKE ONE

The order remained unchanged as the peloton crossed a “weak” bridge where 30mph is the new speed limit. No, I didn’t know that eight A group riders weight more than a Ford Fiesta either. One thing we did do successfully, however, was ease the pace while the lights were on red. This gave us a launch pad to rocket down the A59 where Tom continued to hammer it out front until the lead started to change hands. At first this meant a bit of through-and-off but it wasn’t long before Tom and two other tearaways formed a break. At one point while doing 28mph alone into the wind I thought I might catch the tail of the third man but Stefan actually came closer than I did, simply running out of time in an effort to snatch what would have been a remarkable podium finish on zero breakfast. In the event Tom pipped Charlie for sprint glory while the rest of us fought with a sequence of drivers intent on forcing their way onto Diamond Jubilee Road. This nearly caused a collision with me and Wilko as we squeezed into the smallest space possible but eventually everyone survived and we could get first dibs on the last of the breakfast food while sitting down for a bit of discussion with Dean, who was already there with James.

It was pleasing to see so much savoury breakfast food consumed today, with Wilko and Mark Titchener enjoying scrambled eggs on toast, while I had sausage and egg barmcake with brown sauce plus hot chocolate. In between various groups arriving I waited while a middle-aged lady ordered enough food to feed a family of six, and I copied Garry Lyon’s idea from last week, namely the banoffee tart. While the breakfast barm tasted better than it looked, the reverse was true here; it was very professionally presented but the toffee simply wasn’t sweet enough and the cream was rather bland, a real shame given how nice the banana and shortcrust pastry was. That’ll teach me to learn from Wilko and go for the brownie cake next time. Much of today’s table talk was about organising an HMCC road race given that CDNW has disbanded for 2015. After all I don’t want the likes of Sam Wood and Rick Taylor buying running shoes and Speedos for a Fleetwood Triathlon assault do I (apologies if that’s put you off your Sunday dinner) Just as we were ready to go Keith introduced The One He ASBO’D, namely me, to a few new B group recruits including Emma who apparently hasn’t seen me bolting through Birkdale yet, and probably won’t recognise me now given that CATLIKE helmets really are catching on and the long-sock season is well and truly over (I say that because Chris Little would still be out in shorts if he hadn’t moved down under). She had the car parked in Ormskirk which was a major relief given she wouldn’t get the opportunity to drop me on the way back west (until she finds her way down New Cut Lane that is), so in the end it was simply a slightly enlarged A group now featuring Dean and James plus Asda John who rolled over the railway line for the journey home.

C IS FOR CORSA, CRICKETERS AND CRUSH THE CROSSWIND

The pace was quite steady as everyone’s lunches digested on the way over the Hoscar Moss but upon reaching Wanes Blades Road, we had to weave around a succession of perilous puddles and next into the bad books was a black Vauxhall Corsa who seemed very reluctant to stop at the single-lane bridge. Cue another episode of “WHAT’S HE DOING” before yet more diversionary discussion with Rick, this time about the price of BC road races. The entry fees seem much cheaper than for a triathlon but the amount spent on frame replacements apparently varies according to how many hairpins are available for use as shortcuts over the grass. That’s the HMCC Bickerstaffe Road Race together with piano entertainment sorted for 2015, then. Two people who might well be stars of the show, Dean and Tom, went straight on just before Dark Lane leaving a fab four of Stefan, Charlie, Rick and yours truly to grit it out on the final stretch into Ormskirk. I’m not quite sure why Charlie left the door open for me and Rick to lead the way up the hill but whatever his strategy was, it turned out to be the right one as he could leave Rick to wear himself down alongside me while he used the big windblock known as the Van Nicholas Chinook to get a launch base for taking the final sprint of the day, up Greetby Hill before beginning the long steady decline into a quieter-than-usual Ormskirk.

At least that’s what it looked like compared to last week. But the traffic always builds up on the downhill past the Cricketers and luckily Charlie knows how to burrow holes in queues of cars - it’s not like they’d miss him with a multicoloured Kuota Korsa Lite. This gave us the impetus to keep our speed high up to the mini-roundabout where Charlie turned right for home and me and Rick did the side-road version of Ormskirk Hill as far as the crossroads. Here, Rick went straight on for home while I turned right past Mad Phil HQ and ate the second custard cake bar at the top of the Northway, before beginning the long beast session home with the crosswind cutting in every time the hedges disappeared. After shedding the arm warmers at the Gastropub I kicked off one last time for the run past Farmer Ted’s, where my fans on the tractor gave me a wave as I went past, before attack the last three miles up to Tesco lights. All that remained was to fly down Altcar Road and turn into my drive, where I could park up just after 1pm having covered over 65 miles in bright, breezy autumnal weather. Next ride out definitely takes me over 4,500 miles for the year - and there was me thinking 5,000 was a pipe dream……..

Now for the results, brought to you by Rick's choice, the Wilier Zero 9:

Distance: 105.07km/65.67 miles

Time: 3:20:27

Average Speed: 31.45kmh/19.65mph

Actual Dead Inner Tubes: 0, just a phantom puncture

Friendly Drivers: 3

Luminous Leg Wear: Two Wellington boots (Paul Williams only seen at the café)

New Road Racing Talents Unearthed: 1 on a Kinesis (unless he buys the Zero 9)

Money Spent Today: £9.95 for sausage and egg barm, banoffee tart and hot chocolate

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The Fallen Leaf

(Let’s not think what would have happened if that had blocked the front brake caliper)

Let’s go for five in a row next week, the last in a long sequence since I can’t make it the week after. Anglezarke before the two-minute silence at 11am anyone?