P is for Pump Up the (Blackcurrant) Jam - Philharmonic Orchestra Edition

The last day of March brought 14 riders to the shop for various times between 8 and 8:15am. While I stood outside the shop devouring a vegan flapjack and John Hill did 35 laps warming up on the Chia Chia loop, the others arrived, with Matt unusually being one of the first. Only DNA Dave and Mark Lane from the A group appeared, and they confirmed they would stay behind for the B's at 9am effectively eliminating any chance for those of us who are too flawed to ride at Stephen Nelson or Brian Rigby pace all day. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. Especially when one of the racers is offering to play music on his phone (let's have the Philharmonic Orchestra then) so I resolved to make the most of the chance I was given on Friday, pump the legs as fast as possible and get as far as Tarleton with a view to a pit stop and a raid on Booths for good measure. So we set off, beginning with the loop round the cricket club.

CAN I DO RACE GROUP RULES AND STAY IN BED UNTIL 8:30 NEXT TIME PLEASE?

I was on the back row observing proceedings from afar and from the off it was clear that this was no typical 15mph jaunt up Alty's Lane, we were going for it immediately. The question was, would this be a disaster given what happened on December 2 for the "Not the Roman Road" ride or a blessing given I usually end up using BFG's (Big F***ing Gears) when setting off behind the same or slower riders? We wouldn't have to wait long to find out. Our first few miles took us through the leafy confines of Aughton, not quite back to my house, but over the Town Green bridge where the leaders looked particularly purposeful through the corners on their 25mm Vittoria Corsas (must chuck the Mavic tyres) but I wish I'd snooped on Matt's route planner as I could have joined in 800 metres from home as we made our way towards the Miller and Carter, but instead of getting there before the mums we went left under the railway bridge towards the A506 the onto Spurrier's Lane past a £5.7m mansion with a cacophony of barking dogs. A few murmurs of "that's Kirkby that way" were heard but obviouly that was because some guys who race regularly were in the fold, notably Brian Rigby who see industrial estates as perfect hunting grounds to steal #winz as opposed to those of us who raid supermarkets for #boomz. A left turn had us dodging an oncoming cyclist and amazing this was already the third change of position on the front allowing Gareth Olley to do his "1-2-3-TEAM" mentality thing on his new 60mm Zuus wheels which would really bost his speed but also make more noise than the Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra (which is who I'm working with in a recording studio today while the Liverpool match is on) I was now alongside Stephen Nelson, who noted I was apprehensive not only about having to stop Harry Kane but also of my need to actually spin on this ride given I now know what's been causing me to run out of air on longer, faster rides. Not to mention the fact that I've rarely been with the Race group since the VCUK and Bioracer guys joined the party. For now, we continued towards the Holdi roundabout and then into Rainford itself, over the Supersonic bridge (Jonathan Collins will understand the significance of this in Chapter 65) and into Rainford past the high school, which left me and Dan out front talking all things triathlon, including his new TT bike and whether he'll challenge for first HMCC member home at Edge Hill in a fortnight. Once again we avoided Shaley Brow, choosing instead to ride the usual route to Billinge, though not through the housing estate. This time, we would go past the Ranvir takeaway I visited last summer prior to a St Helens Tri committee meeting and up the hill to the ice cream parlour. With no vegan sorbets for me to grab and go we hoped for a timely lights change and got it, with the first calls of "can we have a piss stop please" coming from those who'd loaded up on caffeine. I'd decided it was the last thing I needed now and was simply delighted to have got so far without fatigue, so was quite entertained at the sight of Luke Jackson coming the other way just before our turnoff for Orrell having not turned out for Tom's Race RACE group ride (apparently Luke turns up on time as frequently as I pay full price for anything in Booths) Now we were onto the second leg, the climb to Standish and the Edge of Rivi (not quite the name of a Lady Gaga song)

IF IN DOUBT, KEEP THE LEGS TURNING AND DON'T USE THE BFG

We crested the climb all together once again confirming what an amazing standard we had on the ride, before Matt directed us through the left-right that can take you to Wrightington and our favourite open water swim venue, but it was a bit too cool for that today so we went past the Pepper Lane Chippy and LIDL before vaulting down through the descent to the railway bridge, past the pub at the "Eau Rouge Spa-Francochamps" chicane and into the open once more which at last allowed the caffeine club the opportunity to water the flowers while I made sure to keep turning the pedals and not let the return circulation slow down too much. This proved to be a real boost on the restart as I got chatting to Brian about the life and times of Ian Roberts whose star pupil Ian Lawton wiped the floor with everyone at the Parbold Duathlon two weeks ago. Hope to see you at the shop again soon Ian! From here we continued through to Coppull and, seemingly, Chorley, but instead Matt had us turning towards Rivington, and surprisingly most of the comments about "we're going further away from Southport" came from the riders not wear HMCC kit while Gareth Olley's "Mission WinEverything" was going exactly to plan as he would have been offended at the thought of anything less than 180 miles. And so would have his new wheels, but you guessed that anyway. Eventually we reached the White Horse pub and I thought we'd be turning left at Adlington lights, but instead we carried on towards Horwich, where the racer comments really kicked in. But as I pointed out, when you don't know what's coming next something else in you has to react. Apparently that's what Autumn Calabrese says with her 80 Day Obsession Plan (and before you post any comments about why I like her, she's a brilliant coach who knows everything about fitness) Just as I thought we were really going to crank up the pressure and do Foxholes, we turned left at the final port of call for Rivington where at long last we could begin the return home segment, starting with the Barn.

SAFETY CAR IS OUT, AVEC DOGS, EVEN THEY LAST LONGER THAN ME ON THE FRONT

It's rare that we ride this road from the Horwich end and even more unusuall that we are blocked by anything other than fellow cyclists, but here we had to contend with a slow line of traffic including one very noisy car with two dogs in it. Not quite as noisy as the one we heard earlier on Spurrier's Lane, but not far off. They took an age to clear off and it was lucky that they were off up the road around the time the craters started appearing again, otherwise there may well have been a few big repair bills. For now we continued back towards Adlington but rather decided to turn right for Limbrick. Here, John and Gareth were into 30mph+ mode until one of the riders at the back - not me - had a loose wheel skewer. This meant a brief park-up and subsequently a hairy moment through the Limbrick S-Bend as a car came the other way at precisely the wrong time but for now our greater concern was the next step. I thought we were going through Chorley town centre but instead we skirted the outside, being let through at a roundabout by an incredibly courteous motorist who actually stopped on the junction to let us through, before yet another show of huge power from Gareth lifted us up the climb towards Anglezarke. I wondered aloud if we were going there and Matt seemed to imply that we were, but instead we almost made it to the Red Cat before turning left for the local health club and the petrol station. Now we were onto the A6 and at least I was sure where we were if push came to shove. As it was, Gareth turned into the Ste Francis of the Race group in that he wanted to bury himself Army-style for the good of others and this he duly did all the way to the Buckshaw Village complex, where unlike 5 weeks ago we didn't stop for a vegan sausage roll, instead this was the second turn for me and Dan on the front. I celebrated this by tailgating a BMW off the traffic lights and hitting #beastmode 29mph in the process but that couldn't last, not when we had to negotiate the left-right for Worden Park. However, it wouldn't be long before we'd get kicked off the front for a right-LEFT confusion..........

THAT LOOKS LIKE A ROAD TO ME THERE, BUT MAYBE I'M SEEING STARS

At the next T-junction there was a sign with Croston and Southport in one direction, and Preston in another. Now given I was expecting to be destroyed on this ride I wouldn't have been surprised if a decision had been made to ride all the way to the docks to extend the ride further, but instead the plan was a right then left. But left WHERE? I saw a road on the left and it was just as well that my "pump everything" strategy was still working as no-one else seemed to have come to this interpretation and the end result was me crossing over the group, onto the wrong side of the road and nearly head first into a Mini! I did hear some shouts about "get yourself a Garmin" and truth be told once I rejoined the group it was like nothing had actually happened but I was more aware of the fact that I'd gone far futher than the circumstances would have suggested and as such I was now hoping for a Tarleton sign. The leaders cooled the pace to a more sedate 23mph on the return to the Southport 10 ile TT course which made it that bit more bearable to fight the hordes of traffic making their way to the car boot sale or even the seaside to have ice cream with Mum on the beach. We sneaked past the first 37 or so cars parked or going slowly through the roadworks and now we were on the cusp of Tarleton. For most that would mean 6 miles to madness on the coast road but I was now starting to feel it having had more pressing thing on my mind the last two days, so I let Dan know I was going to Rufford and set off down the A59.

LUKE LABELS HIS BREAKFAST AS VEGAN! KID, YOU'RE CATCHING ON

I kept up a reasonably good 21mph for most of the crosswind segment down the main road, only seeing a couple of rideres in the opposite direction who must have already had din dinz. The pace started to flag on the last mile into the cafe stop, but I didn't want to sprint to the door anyway given it's made me sleepy on other occasions and either worsened (or at least not helped) my current predicament. So I pulled into the car park and hoped I would see some people I knew.

I was in luck; Tom and Luke were there with a mate from the Century and Brian was back out having ridden to the cafe with Asda John. I contemplated getting a breakfast but then remembered I had beanz on toast (from an ASDA 10p WHOOPZ loaf no less) waiting for me in the fridge so settled for two vegan blackcurrant jam slices plus San Pellegrino grapefruit. Once outside,and once we'd got past Luke labelling his eggs benedict as VEGAN (no, I couldn't work out what he was on about either)  we were straight into discussions about bike sizing (48cm frame with 190mm stem FTW) the huge afternoon of sport requiring 25 TV screens and the work I do at the Philharmonic, which is why I'll have to leave John Lynch in charge of the boom machine today. It was particularly good to catch up with Brian; I thought he'd retired from cycling after his last accident so it was really uplifting at the end of a ride full of pleasant surprises. He was certainly one of them! I set off with John and Brian as they made their way home, beginning with the Hoscar Moss.

The first mile or so out of the cafe was the all-too-predictable episode of "why aren't my legs turning" so it was quite a good thing actually that Brian turned off for home and I got to join Asda John two-wide together on the Hoscar Moss itself. He recounted tales of how he was sent the wrong helmet and how the shop he bought it from assumed he'd worn it so allowed him to keep it! And I thought my Booths Booms were impressive........He turned off just before the Ring O'Bells leaving me to bomb it to Booths and steal two curries off the boom counter (Punjabi Aloo and spinach, chickpea and sweetcorn options, to be prepped with vegan rice, that'll be great for me) I set off once more down the A59 past the never-ending roadworks near the new builds. At least I got to enjoy Grey Van Man blasting that Oasis classic SUPERSONIC out of his window (remember the Rainford bridge and the pub?) before one last push up Ormskirk Hill and into my road got me home around 12:45pm having covered 65 brilliant miles. Many thanks to the strongmen of HMCC for putting on a great show today, hopefully once I get the follow-up screening I can do the same and win something!

Now for the results, in association with Gareth's choice, Zuus Wheels:

Distance: 104.18km

Time: 3:22:10

Average Speed: 30.9k2mh

Loose Wheels: 1

New Wheels: 2

Close Calls: 1

Roadwork Tailbacks: 2

Post Ride Nutrition: Spicy beanz on toast with Alpro coconut

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Two Troublemaker Triathletes

(For spinning too furiously on the front, spending too much time running and then nearly killing each other)

Enjoy your ride next week, I won't be there as I've got a gig in Southport. In the meantime, I've included a link to the people who tested me on Friday and who might have saved me from a major incident, whether at work or on a ride. Some of you will actually be younger than me (I know I don't look a day over 21) but if you know people within the age range or other family members are eligible, let them know. They're definitely my next choice of charity to raise money for. How does Tour de Mon sound, aboard Ranvir the Red Rocket? Who's in with me? Go on, you know you want to!

https://www.c-r-y.org.uk/