"Not the Race to the Roman Road"

A nasty, drizzly December morning attracted less than 30 people to the shop for the 9am start. Three groups formed, with Gemma and Inder leading a B for Bananas ride while John Faz led an A/B ride to Light Ash Farm. That left nine riders to take part in Matt's ride to the middle of nowhere, at least if they did the whole enchilada. Matt set off first, beginning with Dark Lane.

IF YOU STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, STRIVE FOR SOMETHING ELSE

I slotted into Row 5 on the left with no one to talk to while the peloton pedalled out of town towards Chateau Lane. Well, I would see them in the pub later. For now. We were descending the usual "race for everything" point when we suddenly found ourselves on the long flat stretch towards the Hoscar Moss, with nothing but clear road in front of us. This continued all the way to the double roundabout featuring a stretch of perfectly smooth road which my outdated tyres actually loved. Once off the main road we were onto the railway road itself and the pace picked up slightly allowing us to break the 20mph mark on the way towards the Eagle and Child. We've passed this junction many times before, but on this occasion Luke Jackson boarded Matt's train with a mate of his - I think it was John the Manc on the Trek - and they were now at the back of the pack as we made our way through some particularly greasy and bumpy roads to Mawdesley. Now I was really panicking as I was in the company of some good guys who already race and others who couldn't stop talking about how desperately they wanted their W/Kg ratio to improve. They could always phone Coach Chinook after his heroics in Coventry and Stockport..........One of these new-found #DRIVEN riders was so in the zone as we reached the Robin Hood that he simply forgot which way was straight on, took his teammate with him and briefly left me and Alex on the front, at least until Alex did one of those "race for everything" attacks THE EDGE did back "in the day when Alex was a little nipper". The order was soon restored and I was back to Row 2 despite my best efforts to refuse handing over (in other words do a Ste Francis). The next junction was dealt with rather more professionally and as such we were in perfect formation to cross over at Eccleston for the back road to the Col de Huge Junction.

LOOKS LIKE THE DELIVERY FOR ROB MCLEOD'S NEW BIKE GOT LOST

It wasn't long before we reached the right back roads already mentioned and as usual there were more than a few single file moments through to the main road. Luckily the drivers in this neck of the woods aren't in such a rush to get to town for their Christmas shopping and the Santa Dash (which I really should have done instead) had already started. As such we were relatively untroubled until the first four escaped onto the A49 (HUGE, HUMONGOUS JUNCTION) while the rest scrambled to reform. Upon cresting the climb another change was required and now it was the aforementioned John the Manc plus me in the front, so of course the Screw your Stomach Up Segment truly began. He agreed with me that the derby was going to be a good game and that Mourinho has totally lost it at Old Trafford (maybe they'll raid Goodison Park for their next manager). Unlike the Green Bay Packers (who fired their lead man last night) John wasn't looking for a different coach on the front to lead proceedings - not yet at least - because for now I wasn't too worried about having raced in the mud on Saturday and my legs were holding together reasonably well. After Euxton we turned left on a reverse of a route we often do on our way home, to the hotel and health club in Whittle-le-Woods. This brought us out onto the A674 seemingly for Brinscall, however we would instead turn right prior to the Red Cat and head for Limbrick and Rivington. During this passage of play we were entertained by the Reject award winner, some bloke riding a mountain bike while trying to balance with a BMX on his left! Did he not get the message that Rob McLeod only races on-road? He was long gone by the time we crested the rise to the north of Chorley town centre and by this time I'd long given up hope of making it to the Roman Road. Instead, we were relieved of our duties out front as we followed the new leaders through the Limbrick/Yew Tree Road segment,n during which Luke and Alex did yet another jump away leaving most of us wondering where they got it from. Steve Depport was alongside me at this point with the tongue wagging at the thought of Belmont but for now we were getting more soaked than ever as we reached Adlington then Little Scotland towards the reservoir road. This was very busy for a dull Sunday morning and I was surprised that we got through so quickly, but then all the talking stopped as we began what we thought was a climb to the junction then turning left for the descent of Little Anglezarke. But then, rides with me on board rarely go according to plan.

THAT'S IT FOR ME, MAJOR RETHINK REQUIRED 

As we began the first part of the climb to the cattle grid I was already struggling massively and worried that I would hold the group up in the second half of the ride. If we'd gone left where we were supposed to I might have been OK, but the leaders had already continued up Edgey's favourite killing field and as such there was no choice but to chase them to Darwen. Well, my legs and energy were rock bottom having thrown so much at the cross country, but that's small talk; the aim is to win at everything. Especially when you're 5kg lighter and eating so much cleaner nowadays. So I turned round and headed for home pretty much in the same way we came out, until the Adlington turnoff where I went to the crossroads, right then left at the White Horse. This brought me out onto the road for Coppull and the Thyme and Plaice pub; here the road was more like a river which made my squint through my glasses (and therefore migraine) much worse, and it only calmed down once I hit the A49. Now I simply retraced the steps I know back to Standish, and the Pepper Lane Chippy. I'm not sure if they do their chips the vegan way but there was no time to hang around, as I had the Woodbank report to write before the trip to the pub and as such I took a shortcut at Wiggo Corner to shave off even a few hundred metres, before attacking Parbold Hill like I was one of the novices I've been working with in Coventry. It was lightly amusing to see the ice cream van parked up at the top -how on earth could that be profitable in December? - then I somehow lived to tell the tale on the descent despite having to look through the top gap in my glasses to see, this in turn making my migraines worse. How I reached the bridge barely being able to see I've no idea, but I went straight on at the Wayfarer and through Newburgh before coming out at the Hoscar Moss where one driver in particular didn't want to acknowledge me coming from the right. Once this miscreant had cleared off I rode to Booths for vegan samosas and an espresso before slogging home barely able to turn the pedals into the wind, eventually parking up thoroughly fed up after a feeble 41 miles. Well done to anyone who reached the Roman Road, I wish I'd stayed in bed..........

Now for the results, in association with the Thyme and Plaice, Coppull:

Distance: 66.04km
Time: 2:24:29
Average Speed: 27.42kmh
Bike Delivery Fails: 1
Late Arrivals: 2 at the Eagle and Child
Early Darters: 2
Attacks Off The Front: at least 2
Post Ride Hydration: 4 pints of ale watching the red men beat the blue shite

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The man with the two bikes
(How did he not lose his balance, especially on a motorway bridge?)

Enjoy your ride next week, I'll be in sunny Rhyl doing a gig. Think I need to reset my head before attempting any more YOLO rides like Sunday club runs anyway.........