The Magnificent 7 Remake: The Cowboys Who Couldn't Shoot Straight

The never ending winter where it always rains or blows a gale between the hours of 8:30am and 9:15am every Sunday morning continued today as we got just seven takers at the shop for the 9am start while Rick Taylor and Andrew Disley went off to blow a few reduced to £12 tubular tyres. Mark Titchener suggested that we repeat last Sunday's lunchtime route with the provision that we avoid the coast road so as to avoid the worst of the crosswind. He led us out of own, beginning with the cricket club.

"IT'S NICE AND SUNNY, AND SO EASY" (SOMEONE SPOKE TOO SOON)

I set off on the right side of Row 2 as we began the Alty's Lane pothole fest. It was lucky that I was on the right side of the formation because these bumps have some rather jagged edges on them and I'd spent far too much time yesterday trying to say upright at the cross country. As such we didn't really kick on until we reached the junction from high things got progressively tougher. This was mainly due to the extreme 40mph gusts of crosswind which kicked in at the most inopportune times, thankfully except the crater which has got a cone in it. Whether or not Bernie Ecclestone is still inside awaiting rescue, I'm not sure. Unlike last week, we went left then right for Town Green where we climbed the Col de Train Station Bridge and someone mentioned that The Spar Shop (never just call it Spar) had closed down. I wonder if that's because someone's been nabbing all the booms from the Co-Op rather than paying full price? We waved to two orange runners on our way to the Miller and Carter where we crossed the carriageway. This led to one of the most bonkers sequences of events in recent HMCC history as gravel and a massive crater had us going in all directions. Inevitably a few hisses were heard and I think some were fearing that I was one of them but obviously it wasn't otherwise we'd still be out there now. Instead, Matt had a double puncture aboard his Focus Paralane, while Paul had done his front tube in. During the long break we lost a lot of finger temperature and I remembered Garry Lyon mentioning last winter that his hands were so cold he couldn't touch the brakes. As such I took my mind off such negativity by talking to Martin who's got a Giant Defy and was shocked that his tyres had held up, while Paul remarked that he'd successfully got down from a puncture every 5 rides to one every ten. Imagine if I had the same strike rate there'd  be even more disgruntled 312'ers worried about not getting enough miles in.........eventually, thanks to Mark's technical expertise, we were underway again and with the cars parked up and down the road leading to the church like last week, we set sail for Formby via the Haskayne Moss.

BEEN PRACTICING PISS STOPS NOW AS WELL? FAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION

I wasn't too happy about doing the Haskayne Moss as I thought we'd get blown off the bridge but ironically the headwind proved a blessing in disguise as it helped us keep our speed down while navigating the ridges and bumps in the road. Once onto the straight headwind road over the bridge things got a bit more straightforward and so it continued past the golf club despite me seriously struggling to change gear (yes you spotted the irony) because I had to remove my fingers from the bars just to give them some relief. We parked up just past the Sparrowhawk for the fastest piss stop I've ever, well, heard about as it was far too much detail even for one of my reports, and then we agreed to go straight up the A565 to shelter from the wind a bit. The most interesting part of this segment came at Southport RUFC when a 4x4 decided it wanted to drop off half of the England academy at once and conveniently forgot there might be some one track minded cyclists trying to get past. Well we had a right scramble to clear them, before cresting Hillside station. Despite a sleet shower atop the hill as we passed the golf club we plunged own the descent and carried on to Lord Street, where Matt took his mate home via Eastbank Street, and with Martin having turned for home earlier that left me, Paul, Hodgy and Mark le Titch to deal with the run past Hesketh Park, home of the Southport Parkrun, and then the Churchtown crossroads where we spotted an old HMCC business now trading as Cambridge. We had to single out first for a bizzie car chasing the local gangsters and then a big bus but we finally reached Banks as a Fab Four ready to take on the Tarleton Moss.

RUGBY AND GRIEG - PADDY'S DAY POWER OR DRIPPING IN FINESSE? HODGY, YOU DECIDE

For much of the next stanza me and Hodgy led the way, and during this extended run out front we got talking about the race for Champions League qualification and the Ormskirk Music Society concert on March 17th. That's also the day when the Six Nations is decided and the star (music) attraction is something to savour. No, not Bruno Mars and Cardi B, but instead Thomas Kimmance playing Grieg's Piano Concerto in A Minor. Maybe they could open the school canteen at 2:30pm and switch the TV on so we could have afternoon tea while watching the rugby then go on to the concert hall? It certainly enlivened an otherwise quiet passage of play where not many cyclists were coming the other way, I wonder why.........We reached Hesketh Bank and turned up the rise into Tarleton where we decided to complete the route I didn't finish last Sunday in the name of the England rugby match, so it was left at the lights then right at the roundabout. Only trouble was, BMW Man was also coming the same way and he fired the most hideous car horn ever at us, wow that thing needs a service! And probably his brain too. With this d***head out of the way we turned briefly north towards the back end of Croston and had it been a nicer day we may well have reached Leyland, but thoughts were turning to the cafe. Rufford or Twin Lakes? Mark's choice of the Croston venue won the day, and what a good choice it proved to be, despite the best efforts of the farmers in the nearby fields to scare us off with double barrelled shotguns. Breakfast food was the order of the day with all of us keeping it healthy, even me, because the last time I weighed myself I was over 160 pounds and it's starting to affect my form, so it was two griddled eggs and hot chocolate but, amazingly, no cake despite the Victoria Sponge (gluten free) looking very tempting. Topics of conversation included the Fred Whitton (in particular Jeff's story from 2004) and the Tour of the Peaks. With everyone suitably warmed through we got back on the bikes and turned out of the cafe for home, albeit continuing on the Winter Wander route.

NOTHING LIKE A FUTURE RACE ROUTE RECCE WHEN YOU CAN'T KEEP THE BIKE STRAIGHT

We started off with the climb over the train station and then a wander round the back of Croston once more, which I only found out the other day is part of the South Ribble. We turned right at the first pub which sent us back through to the walled corner where I sneaked on to the IMUK course last year (AKA doing a Michael Ashurst) and now we were on a familiar route for those of us au fait with great long distance triathlon courses and inspired to have a go one day themselves (never say never, let's see how the half goes this year). As such we passed a wobbly man on a hybrid before the Robin Hood, where Mark suggested we should have gone left-right towards the Delph but with nobody up for taking a dip in the water to meet the infamous sturgeon we continued up the hill into Mawdesley, dodging a huge number of potholes and passing Claud Butler Man as we did so. It was quite a tough slog here as we knew the worst was yet to come, but upon reaching the Hoscar Moss things got especially tough even though the predicted second surge of headwind failed to materialise and as such it was something of a light relief to explain to Hodgy who the lady runner was at the railway crossing (a rival for the Sundowner half Ironman, at least that's what I think I said). He turned off at Newburgh with Mark le Titch leaving me and Paul to play out the final few miles into the wind dodging massive puddles and trying to give the drivers priority. Eventually after one of the hardest finishing stretches I've ever done, we reached HMCC HQ at 12:30pm having completed 45 miles from the shop. Paul headed up the hill for one last YOLO while I settled for the cobbles and then down the hill to Chateau Chinook having been frozen, warmed up and everything in between. Great character building there guys, and it will do us all good come the summer.

Now for the results, in association with Ormskirk Music Society:

Distance: 72.35km
Time: 2:46:16
Average Speed: 26.11kmh
Dead Inner Tubes: 3
Horses: 0
Stupid Drivers: 1
Golf Clubs: 2
Money Spent Today: £6.20 at Twin Lakes plus £3 while I still can't get pissed at the 22 club watching the red men win

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Sudell Lane Potholes
(For the craziest puncture stop ever, that took something to beat BMW Man)

Enjoy your ride if you get the chance next week, I won't be there so Sods law it'll be sunny, 12 degrees, no wind and no rain. But I'll be out the following week when 60 of you do the audax which, you might be disappointed to know, has a maximum average speed of 30kmh. You know what I'm going to say.........#sub7hours!