Mad Dogs and HMCC Boys Go Out in the Midday Sun

It was a lunchtime special for a dozen riders who avoided the Steve Depport 9am tiptoe ride and opted to go out on rather faster roads. As such we had a good mix of riders including some rocket ships who don't know how to go round muddy corners fast, some longtime legends working their way back to form, and a few B groupers who appear to be getting the miles in and their pace up ahead of their own first big challenges. We set off as one group, beginning with the cricket club.

TILL DEATH US DO PART - THE CHINOOK ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE BUT THIS MUDGUARD HOOP MIGHT WELL BE

The first few miles were ridden with potholes as we made our way up Alty's Lane. A friend of mine who got her first sub-70 minute 10k today must be eyeing up this race venue for an autumn attempt at a sub-hour mark while I'm dropping C-bombs on the Nantwich triathlon as a first post half Ironman special (like Wilmslow 10k 2016, after the Leicester half marathon, the one where the guy in front of me knocked on with a drinks bottle in his hand). We turned right then straight across the Dog and Gun junction not far from where I'm looking at a potential downsizing opportunity on Long Lane tomorrow, but at least it's only ten minutes on a bus to the 22 club. Next up was the crater to end all craters as we struggled to get up to speed on the way to Town Green, which is now home to a Co-Op full of booms to steal late at night but rather than go hunting for any weekend leftovers we continued towards Melling. I thought we might have carried on to the Bickerstaffe TT course but instead we turned right back towards the Miller and Carter via the railway bridge. Only trouble was, whenever we did a quick left-right chicane move my steering felt all over the place and at first I thought the rear wheel was locking up. One quick stop revealed nothing on the rear mudguard, but upon crossing the carriageway we found that e front guard was fouling the downtube. Now I know that it's a ten-year-old beauty with heavily exposed external cables but I'd rather attack the oversized holding hoops with a soldering iron than have to say goodbye to the most legendary frame I've ever owned, so looks like a DIY job it is. Upon restarting we made our way towards Lydiate church where there was quite a bit of traffic and Christine put the men to the sword by dropping a few backmarkers before we even got to the Gastropub. However, the downhill towards Haskayne plus the technical bits which you know I just love made going a bit slower and this enabled the group to reform over the Haskayne Moss to Formby. This segment is normally hell on earth due to a massive crosswind but today we had it nice and calm, at least until the world's biggest flock of (Philadelphia) Eagles who obviously got lost on the way to Minneapolis decided to take off and fly as we went past their holding area. Around this time me and John Lynch took over the front which at least meant two gear shifts for me and no extra cadence as we reached the road past the golf club, where a few local riders were coming the other way. All had been calm so far but that was about to change as we hit the coast road.

MEET DOPEY DESMOND, THE MOST ANNOYING BLUECOAT EVER

We were still leading the pack as we crested the next "let's see who's been off the ale" point, the coast road bridge, but there were quite a few impatient drivers desperate to muscle a way past here, including one aggressive Mercedes driver not called Lewis Hamilton. However, that was small talk compared to what happened at the Weld Road roundabout. We'd just given assurances that we weren't knackered and wanted to carry on muscling through the gears to make things easier on our comrades when some bloke in a blue jacket pointed at us and said "you should be riding on here" referring to the sea wall. Great then Dopey Desmond, so you'd rather get CHINOOK'D? What a prat, and he'd just beaten the Sunday drivers for the reject award to boot. We were rather more fortunate that the Mad Dog 10k had finished otherwise we'd have had to go through the town centre, but it was only after Lynchy's efforts were distracted by the smell of donuts and I spotted the KFC on the sea front that we handed over the leadership duties, not that it stopped John from riding on the sea wall pavement to show up how idiotic the bluecoat was. During the remainder of the coast road we had to contend with more bad drivers, one even backing out of a car parking space just as we arrived there! Could they not have just ran the 10k faster? It was a wonder these capers and shenanigans didn't splinter the pack that much, proof that everyone really is going well. As such we parked up to water the flowers and eat bananas before setting off once again into Banks where we rolled at a good steady 18mph until a few horses blocked us at the left turn for the coast road. Here, I suggested that we go whichever way the horses do not, but luckily they were taking the short cut enabling us to beast the long straight to Tarleton. It was a case of "could you do this for 56 miles non-stop" as per the September Sundown Showdown but interestingly it was the right turn at Hesketh Bank into Tarleton that spread the pack out the most because of course it was another of those nasty mini-climbs. Christine asked at the bridge descent "straight on or left" clearly not realising there was a Booths at the roundabout where I would have liked nothing more than to get the card out and blag a coffee but of course that would have to be a decaf on the back of recent developments. But there were a few calls to ease the pace as we approached the traffic lights and, besides, some of us wanted to get home for the rugby. So six of us turned right the left down the A59 leaving the others to continue to Bretherton.

I DON'T ALWAYS DO CAKE STOPS. BUT WHEN I DO, THEY'RE PIT STOPS

One or two riders were seriously cramping up as we hit the A59 and this spread us out in three twos, or more to the point different pacing strategies. Chris Cooke took his mate with him in a two man break, I rode in with Focus Paralane Man and Kenny Madden allowed Tim to reach the cafe by pushing a hole in the wind much like the England rugby team would do later in Rome. We arrived at the cafe via a bit of rear wheel skidding over the car park entrance and set about running to reach the head of the queue. Both me and Tim went for the Ironman choice, the salted caramel cheesecake while Kenny Madden obviously hadn't had breakfast at 2:15 and wanted a bacon barm. I could have demolished one of them but was only stopping for ten minutes as I wanted to get back for the rugby. So, after a quick discussion about Bala and the Mere 200k (I think Manchester to Blackpool with me reporting on the lunatics would be far more fun) I set sail for home, labouring out of the car park up the incline to the main road but eventually settling into a nice, steady 22mph effort all the way to Burscough, just like in the old days of time trialling back to Formby much to the bemusement of the Pretty Little Thing taxi driver parked up at Warpers Moss Lane. The traffic was pretty tough to fight through prior to the Stanley Club junction but after the Booths roundabout I still had it in me to shout YOLO at 25mph, crush the final mile into Ormskirk and arrive at Chateau Chinook bang on 2:50pm, just in time to watch a great game of rugby from the Stadio Flaminio featuring some superb tries particularly from various Leicester Tigers players. Well done to everyone who got out today, I'm off to get dinner out of the oven (two breaded chicken steaks because one just isn't enough protein, ask Charlotte) and enjoy the Super Bowl tonight!

Now for the results, brought to you by KFC:

Distance: 64.11km
Time: 2:15:25
Average Speed: 28.41kmh
Misbehaving Mudguards: 1
Snooty Bluecoats: 1
Sunday Drivers: 4
Horses: 3 including a carriage
Best Food Choice: Salted caramel cheesecake Times Two

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The Bluecoat
(Why even waste breath when it doesn't bother you, did my friend whoop your arse at the race?)

See you all next week. Though whether I'll be in a fit state after the Wythenshawe cross country plus St Helens Tri awards, I'm not sure. Wonder if I can hang on for a result at the end unlike the red men today?