M is for Meltdown, Matchmoor and Monstrous Munchies

Despite Wilko’s cohort growing to at least half a dozen depending on which reports you read, we still got around 60 riders at the shop today for the 9am start. As such, four groups formed, with Pam taking the C group out towards Southport and two B groups being led by The Captain and Steve Warner. The former had a few A group regulars, and as such they got a bit of earache from the ever-growing top group, which comprised around 18 riders all heading off towards pretty much the same area we visited last week, except this time the extra climb would be Belmont’s backside, rather than Barrow Bridge Road. Steve led us out of town with the usual first ride up Ruff Lane.

PLAYING WITH TWO UP FRONT AND LOOKING FOR MORE ROUGH DIAMONDS

I began today’s ride on Row 3 in the “I’m resting today” lane, which gave me first dibs on the earful given to us by our local teenage fan club as we crossed Knowsley Road on the way up the drag out of town. By Darren’s accounts, we could have done with them as cheerleaders last night at Anfield; then again he did think the same as me, the two up front with a diamond-pronged attack is the way we score lots of goals. I didn’t see the game - I was at the Palace Hotel in Manchester gorging on scallops and cumin-crusted cod before going to see Jersey Boys at the theatre - but my mobile was on overdrive flicking between Liverpool and the Castleford result which sealed the Super League shield for St Helens. So at least I got half of what I wanted - and then enjoyed a brilliant show to boot. With the strains of Oh What A Night ringing a little too true in my ears I was glad to be hidden away behind Dave Sims and his Specialized mountain bike; here was the only person with a more upright position than me giving me a nice free ride. We made our way towards Cobbs Brow just like last week, but on the way through we got squashed by two vehicles who weren’t stopping for anything coming each way just as we reached the Plough, and all this in front of a police car coming from Skelmersdale. And the bizzies thought the Sunday morning shift round these parts was uneventful……We We heaved up the hill to Newburgh with two new leaders out front before turning right at the roundabout towards the Beacon. At this point a few choice comments about me getting an unfair advantage from rather strategically-placed leg warmers came through from the usual suspects but it wasn’t as if I’d get a chance to use them to great effect, as we turned left at the post box and headed down Lees Lane. After this it was onwards to Appley Bridge, now with Darren as the lead rider. Surprisingly he was not in Beast Mode at this point, even allowing the group to stay on his wheel all the way up the Col de Water Pumping Station. Then again I do sometimes wonder if everyone saves their caffeine shots for when any non-HMCC racers join them on the front (ABC and HOB Race Team riders that is). As it was the group reached Wiggo Corner all together and, after Steve Depport took in a bit too much run-off upon reaching the petrol station (or did he really feel the need for a caffeine hit of his own?) we crossed the M6 en route to Standish.

IT’S A BIT WARM FOR FACEMASKS RIGHT NOW!

We did our usual route of Standish as far as the giant LIDL before turning left under the railway bridge. This wasn’t as bumpy as normal, indeed we positively rocketed through the left-right chicane before the uphill kick, but perhaps we went a little too quickly; we caught up to a very old farm vehicle spewing smoke all over the place, and to make matters worse, he was separating up from the “booed B group”. But worse was to come; we couldn’t possibly get past him, and upon turning right towards Haigh Hall, the engine presumably started overheating even worse than I do in 10k running races and choked all the frontrunners with engine detritus. Even Nigel, our newbie triathlete who apparently once won 12 out of 16 races in one season, couldn’t take it any longer, and we were only too happy when Haigh Hall appeared and we could drop back from his rather bigger engine. That might explain why no-one was in Beast Mode all the way up to the bridge, or why one of the B groupers had stopped alone with a mechanical just after the red light; maybe it was the smoke and ash that did for his drive train. Me and Nigel were leading for much of this passage of play until Nigel pulled off and let Charlie join me out front. We stayed in the lead all the way to “Adam Harper’s Climb” except that this time it was a Hors Cat Descent. With no rear-ending moment to keep the report ticking over we took an unusual route through the town’s residential areas, before embarking on the climb towards the main road. And as always, climbs mean fun, and lots of it.

OZZY OSBOURNE - “HELLRAISER” - FIND THAT ONE ON THE KARAOKE MACHINE PLEASE

Despite running an extremely successful piano business I always dodged singing in the school choirs back in the day. In fact I’d find singing most types of song on X Factor embarrassing too because I hate my own voice singing along to the radio. That is, unless it’s a rock classic - and I remember the above one on the GTA: San Andreas soundtrack. During the three main climbs of the day you could be forgiven for thinking the song was written for me as hell got raised from the very first climb towards the burger van. As the steep ascent began I went for the mini-ring but promptly knocked the chain off and got pushed by Hodgy for a bit while I found some run-off area to re-mount the chain (time for an 11-speed upgrade methinks, Force 22 yes Charlie?) Meanwhile our HOB Race team rider was having it all his own way out front as the black-red-gold (FIRES OF HELL) jersey got away from Paul Bolton and stole first place. Nothing new there then - or then fact that Darren said “let’s get Howie” 50 metres from the junction. Did I miss Darren’s “Keep Calm and Beat the Shimano Riders” Twitter post last week? In any case, next up was the climb up Matchmoor and this spread the pack in quite an unusual way. Paul made the first move but was the squirrel’s first victim at the double-right hander - and to think the three squirrels had been leading candidates for the ROTR award riding under the influence of various substances until that tractor graced us with its presence. Another utility vehicle was trying to remove a fallen tree and this sent the riders down two opposing lanes, but I got a nice wide sweep out of the curve and promptly set about beasting the long, straight ascent. That, plus Charlie setting off too late and Darren not having Kevan’s Specialized wheels to play with yet, equals you-know-what……….UPSET SPECIAL, Tarmac SL4-style (thereby doubling my win tally for the year). On the way down a bit of synchronised cornering featuring the two non-HMCC racers proved to be quite a party trick Ozzy himself would be proud of, but the hell-raising wasn’t over yet. First, some dived into the bushes for a piss stop at the foot of the descent while me and Steve Depport discussed the possibility of Parbold Hill PLUS the Inter-Club event on the Beacon for Rick Taylor, and other HMCC riders if they wish, on the big day. We then passed the turn-off for Barrow Bridge Road and descended Scout Road onto the road into Belmont. The pack splintered in many directions once again as Charlie got a much better start and I squeezed past one De Rosa and onto the tail of another. John and Paul removed themselves from the equation but Darren was on top form, as only someone who’s done that b****r in the Highlands could relish doing repeated hill climbs (don’t even THINK of making the club event a points competition over the 13 cols, and NO double-points-last-round either). Having said that, we closed in on a coasting Charlie just prior to the top, but I raised yet more hell by using the American Football code “Black 52” (as in Darren’s bike colour and size) to confuse the leader. Charlie was having none of it so I decided to vault past to see if I could mix things up but it was inevitable that I would chicken out on the brief descent prior to the end of the climb and the line “everyday I’m shufflin” (Party Rock Anthem 2011, you can remember that one surely?) sprung to mind as not only did Charlie get away once more with Darren in tow, but “Black 52” had failed miserably as a code and by now, Dave Sims had joined the party. He joined the tearaway two on the descent and by all accounts they put at least one wheel each on the gravel (I did the same despite actually using my brakes) and the madness didn’t end until we reached the reservoir road where a de-brief ensued including Dave’s Belmont PR and where to go from here. Well, we were now heading west for home via Adlington and Coppull, not to mention a crazy roadblock in between.

WHEN I SHOUT “DEAD END” I DON’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT……..

Howie was now out front as we descended from the top of the reservoir road to the traffic lights. We were stuck here quite some time before heading down the hill, seemingly for yet another trip up Blackrod, but instead we were stopped in rather more dramatic fashion by a roadblock. There’s a little pedestrian route on the right available to cyclists but also a dead-end road which I pointed out was no use. It seems a couple of riders didn’t get the message as they turned right at 90 degrees across the path just as others further back homed in at over 20mph. With everyone losing their breath as the T-bone crash of the century was so narrowly averted, it was no surprise that the first few miles after the roadblock were rather more sedate, and in fact we didn’t really pick up the pace again until we reached the A5106 on our way to the Thyme and Plaice pub. Mark Titchener’s sole water bottle popped out of its cradle and now he had no hydration for the rest of the trip; no doubt he took on the same amount of fluid as me and Dave Sims at the café, but more on that later. For now we got a few cars off our tail and once more I was chatting to Nigel. I never did think to ask him if his second name was Mansell as his roll of honour is nothing short of astonishing, including 15:20 for 5k and 20:40 for a 10 mile TT. Nigel, please feel free to join my race team, then you’ll get in the St Helens Star once the rugby lads have wiped the floor with everyone else in the Super League play-offs. We had to dig in a bit on the run back to Heskin Green though, as first Howie then Darren took it in turns to up the pace with the tailwind steadily increasing and a Skoda driver impatiently shoving his nose in - to hurry us up I presume, maybe he was actually a Tour of Britain neutral service car with a misbehaving sat nav? By the time we reached the crossroads prior to Mawdesley the pack was not quite hanging together and several riders who hammered the earlier climbs were starting to tire somewhat, so it was a welcome relief that the café option was available today. Ian and Darren were among the hordes who turned left at the crossroads past the church to get home early but six of us went straight on for feeding time.

LET’S FISH AROUND FOR COMPLIMENTS, THEN GO FISHING IN FLEETWOOD

At the Fiveways meeting last Wednesday it was suggested that two groups do the century ride in two week’s time. Why don’t a fast group go to Blue Juice for 30 minutes first, then catch the newbies just in time for fish and chips? Indeed, that was Mark’s idea. He was with me and John as we reached the humpback bridge, and upon hitting Rufford Road we were joined by Mark Hope and Mr MTB. Nigel would also join us at the café a few minutes later having detoured off the back of the non-stop group but he missed a great sprint finish by John with Mark tailgating him over the line. We pulled into St Mary’s with the clock just past 12noon and mused over the menu.

Fruit cake was popular today, and Dave Sims got his vitamin fix in the form of two glasses of apple juice plus a bottle refill, but I road-tested The General’s lunch stop idea and had lightly battered Cajun cod nuggets plus chips and salad, and a Feel Good apple and blueberry drink. Mark Hope was convinced I wouldn’t finish it but I did; Dean even asked me what our average speed had been. I said “18.5mph” to which he responded “it won’t be that on the way home”. It wasn’t - scroll down for the results table to find out why! Several B groupers including an ever-expanding ladies division were sat round the tables and seemed to approve of my posh fish and chips. I can now confirm that it stayed neatly in my stomach all the way home so Mick, you are officially exonerated, my friend. As the clock reached 12:40 we re-mounted and headed for home via Hoscar Moss.

ROUND UP AS MANY RIDERS/POTENTIAL MPC CLIENTS AS YOU CAN

The super six headed back over the railway line towards Hoscar but everyone’s stomach was a bit tested from the various culinary delights and until we reached Wanes Blades Road the pace stayed well under 20mph. The group reduced to five leaving me and John out front and, as is so often the case, we took the speed up to 23mph. Still not good enough - it never is as well you know - but we kept this speed up for a decent length of time, indeed all the way to the petrol station, where we dropped to a trio. Now all that remained was to do all the work between Hoscar and Ormskirk. Never an easy thing when your legs are too big to properly do a Darren and run at maximum intensity in a non-52x11 gear, but we tried. And we even saved our best until last, hammering the final climb and closing in on six other HMCC riders including Gemma’s group who were returning to the car park just as we passed HMCC HQ.

Me and Dave then took in a loop of the cricket club before doing pretty much the same route as Steve Depport from last week, until the Miller and Carter when we rounded up two more MTB riders crossing the carriageway. They must have been impressed by a pair of massive tyres duelling with the 2014 Tour de France winning bike but let’s just hope they find Dave’s new mobile-optimised website (going live soon). We stayed together until just before the Hay Loft where Dave turned right for Clieves Hill and I went home via the Gastropub, before tackling four miles of pure tailwind at around 25mph average. After one last attack to 29mph before the Formby Cycles bridge I rolled home, parking up at 1:45 having covered over 70 lumpy miles. Many thanks to Steve for leading today’s ride; chalk that up as two crackers in a row.

Now for the results, powered by Feel Good drinks:

Distance: 117.08km/73.18 miles

Time: 3:50:56

Average Speed: 30.42kmh/19.01mph

Chains Off: 1

Hors Cat Climbs: 4

Impatient Drivers: 3

Nuclear Meltdowns: 1 from today’s ROTR

Money Spent Today: £11.20 for posh fish and chips (good luck beating that in Fleetwood, Mick)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The smoky farm vehicle

(And you thought the ProTour riders found the TV motorbikes irritating)

Let’s go for the hat-trick next week, though I’m not sure if Ill be there yet as I might have a race. At least we’ve firmed up the following week’s plans a bit more - I’m used to carrying a full stomach round after a café stop as well you know……….