Keeping Up with the Chinooks - Christmas Eve Capers 2017

Christmas Eve 2017 only brought around 20 to the shop this morning for the 9am start, with another select group having already gone to ride the legs off birthday boy Richard Taylor at Pimbo. As a result we set off as one group who would stay together to begin with thanks to a bit of last minute fuelling by way of coffee and mice pie in the shop but it wouldn't quite end like that. Read on to find out why.

K IS FOR KIRKBY, KNOWSLEY AND KICK THE COMPETITION INTO TOUCH

I set off alongside Ralph on the right side of Row 5 as we negotiated a nasty sequence of potholes on Alty's Lane. This road is perfect for coffee only fatburn run sessions but a nightmare to ride a bike on, just as well really that I've committed to 25mm tyres for all club rides and kept the 23's for races. We turned right at the junction passing a lady from the local singing group at Edge Hill out on a morning run, before turning left at the Dog and Gun seemingly with Bickerstaffe in mind.  During this passage of play I discussed with Ralph the powers that shop based racing teams now have in terms of picking the best local talent, whereas on the club scene HMCC and St. Helens Tri have got the market so well cornered that the rest of the competition (apart from the Liverpool Phoenix) is ridden with mediocrity as the local powerhouses pull further and further away. The juggernaut (I mean HMCC ride) turned right down the A506 and then left over the M58 for Kirkby, where I didn't spot any new Sky dishes but did get a good chat with Stefan about his plans to buy an R5 for 2018. I still think I'm best suited to the S3 (chunky frame with an upright position yes please) but it certainly had me thinking things over as we proceeded towards the Kirkby industrial estate where we spotted a few more runners not exactly in beast mode. At the A580 we crossed the busy road and shortly found ourselves in Knowsley Village, home of the Derby Arms where apparently the dish of the day is peppered mushroom pie; no that doesn't appeal as a cafe stop, you know I only stop for coffee to blag things anyway nowadays. Just after crossing the Stockbridge Village flyover me and Tony Harvey assumed the lead and as such we were under instruction not to use our Parkrun bursts of speed to unleash hell on a group of riders who presumably have had quite a merry Christmas season. Well, more than me who nearly collapsed of hypoglycemia in the Shrewsbury Lodge on Thursday night (thank God for hotel room biscuits I thought I was going to throw up or even die). We were still out front as the safari park came into view, and what a queue it was to get in there today; methinks the lions would have seen so many humans and thought they were getting their Christmas dinner early. We put a bit of work in on the drag up to the Eccleston crossroads where a few non-Kev Murphy peeps dropped off the back, but got going again for the second part, the run to Moss Bank.

SORRY TOM, ONCE ALEX GETS MATT'S S3 UP TO SPEED YOU'RE DOOMED

Despite a few dodgy navigation moments from the next ride leaders in waiting (me and Tony both knowing our way around the Southport Parkrun better than the Eccleston end of St Helens) we arrived at the Seven Stars pub with a fairly good idea that we were continuing across a busy intersection to the Abbey before turning past a row of new houses on City Road near yet another Victoria Park, this being rather more hilly than the one in Cheshire now known as The Real Chinook's Corner in Widnes. Or to put it another way, you all know by now I don't do technique I just smash the heavy stuff and get on with it. That didn't exactly pay dividends on Moss Bank itself as I kept pushing the biggest gear possible and Alex flew past like me and Tony weren't on the same ride! Stefan also starred as he strained to catch his son and even Stephen Nelson and Colin Clark couldn't catch the dynamic duo. In the end fifth place among a posse of Race groupers wasn't a bad return for me and this meant a positive beginning to the second half of the ride beginning with the long steady drag to Billinge. It was quite dirty on this road today with more than a few patches of sharp stones strewn in different directions but luckily everyone stayed upright, for now at least, and before long we were passing Yet Another Labour Club en route to the ice cream shop in the village itself. Here, a few backmarkers decided to turn left for Appley Bridge while the majority continued on the rolling road to Winstanley, only to get held up when Peugeot 107 Man insisted on not letting us to and then splitting the pack in two, such that the two park runners got stuck behind the purple noobmobile all the way to Wigan. I thought that was the end of our troubles but I couldn't have been more wrong.

IF YOU HEAR SOME NOISE, IT'S JUST ME AND THE BOYS, RIPPIN' ALL THE GUARDRAILS DOWN

When we reached the Robin Park junction, you just knew in the bottom of your Focus water bottle that something was about to happen. Here we were, sharing the road with 500 last minute shoppers, apparently having palpitations that The ASDA was closed for one day tomorrow. It was not if or would there be an incident, simply a matter of when. And truth be told, Kourtney Kardashian was a fairly obvious candidate. She's now the chief influencer of Manchester-based Prettylittlething.com, whose owner Umar Kumani is now worth £240m. Not bad for someone who borrowed fifty grand off his dad a decade ago! And it was one of these advertising boards reminding me of their breakout advert on 4music earlier this year (look up "wild hearts can't be broken" on YouTube and you'll understand the paragraph title) which got me and the Murph distracted. I know what you're thinking, we took each other out of the ride..........no, instead Alan Price decided to ride on the footpath at the Kardashian point and in trying to rejoin the road further up, succeeded only in running into the guardrail and ending up off his bike! It took a while to untangle our Everester from the bars of metal and it was a pretty little silly incident but eventually we got going again only to nearly get taken out by a BOOM BOOM Subaru Impreza just before Subway, where John Farrington desperately wanted to eat and not just take in the smells. However, we were setting sail for Standish via the 1817 cafe which must be enjoying its 200th anniversary celebrations right now, before crossing the lanes to beat the amber lights and ride past the LIDL towards the Pepper Lane Chippy. Obviously Stephen Nelson, the second half of the ride extraordinaire, wouldn't have approved of such a place for mid ride fuelling and thankfully neither did anyone else, as we rode on across the M6 to Hunger Hill and Wrightington, where we nearly reached the Delph and I wondered aloud if Stefan wanted to join me for a dip in the water for old times' sake, but today everyone's focus was on getting back to the shop for bargains and to blag things. So we powered on to the Leach Nurseries (where is Andi Hardiman these days?) only to spot seven horses up the road, one looking particularly nervous. After slowing past our four legged friends we continued towards Hilldale via the backside of Mawdesley where there were greasy grids aplenty and I so nearly ended up CHINOOKING Tony when that pothole appeared just before Hunter's, but somehow I kept it together so I could enjoy the run past the Eagle and Child (no thanks to 4x4 Man who tried to take our side of the road) and the run for home via the Hoscar Moss.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A CIPO (AND A TONY HARVEY WIN)

As we reached the Hoscar Moss a familiar script began; Stephen Nelson alongside whoever is daft enough to push for a mile alongside him. This meant pretty much everyone who wasn't doing a cafe stop plus festive 500 add on ride to try and take him on, so I was part of a committee including Tony, Colin, Paul and David the Army Man power driving over the railway line to try and keep the pace up. Paul stole the Ring O'Bells off the Green Man before turning right presumably to beat me to the reduced bargains in Booths while David turned for Newburgh leaving the Fab Four to continue all the way back to Ormskirk. After pulling alongside Stephen I hoped I might be able to set Tony up for a win at last but alas, Stephen passed me, no one else did, and the eventual result was inevitable, with the Synapse once again coming up trumps and the rest of us following a few lengths back. We went our separate ways, me going to the shop to pick up the bargain of the day, two Elite bottle cages for a tenner (are you really surprised) and shortly afterwards Tom and Luke arrived having beaten Rick the birthday boy round Pimbo. We discussed the club's 10th anniversary with Matt as well as promoting future road races and Luke's favourite bar tape which probably adds a few more grams but knowing Luke undoubtedly saves a few watts in a straight line, much like a racing sized frame, or a 130mm stem. Eventually we turned for home and I set about tidying the house prior to joining Matt and the local illuminati for a few pints in the Green Rooms, then returning home to see Lynchy's team, the Washington Redskins, overcome a better team, my Denver Broncos, simply because we have the worst coach in the history of professional sports. What a day John has had, though, with a new Cipollini bike to boot! That wraps it up for another ride, who's out on Boxing Day?

Now for the results, brought to you by PrettyLittleThing.com:

Distance: 71.74km
Time: 2:26:31
Average Speed: 29.38kmh
Horses: 7
Hors Cat Climbs: 1
Crashes: 1
Runners: 2
Kardashians: 1
Beet It Bars: 2
Star Performer the Day: Alex for that attack up Moss Bank (and also knowing who Kourtney Kardashian is)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Alan vs the Robin Park footpath
(A pass on the left when the lights go green won't get you to the front)

See you all on Boxing Day for the festive ride. If I get five base layers on I might even ride as the elf a la the Christmas night out, I bet even the Kardashians couldn't come up with that idea...........