Frozen Fab Four do the Roman Road in Reverse

Apparently no one got the memo that there will always be an 8am start available during summer months because only a dozen people appeared at the shop for the early dart. Paul Moy looked visibly shocked that I wasn't going for a sub-3 at the London Marathon but recovered just in time to take a team to the Trough leaving just four of us on the regular A ride. Steve Depport led us out of town beginning with Ruff Lane.

WATCH OUT TOM, FIRST LUKE NOW DANGEROUS DAVE IS COMING AFTER YOU

I set off on the right side of row 2 as we worked our way through the gears and our tyres through the potholes which see to have become another major talking point in the build up to the local elections. The road to the A577 was a bit smoother, but it got really awful on Spa Lane where we also had to contend with a couple of slower riders and as such I dropped back a bit from the front thinking that three wide racing on moon craters would send someone to the floor. We all stayed upright and continued on to Stormy Corner, but rather than go to Cobbs Brow we turned right past a new housing complex, one of many today, before beginning the climb up the Beacon. After a quick turn left at the church we plummeted down to Hillock Lane and saw Dangerous Dave climbing from the Newburgh end! A real contender for the A group methinks. After our right turn we arrived on Lees Lane and the endurance store run route which we followed all the way to the station, by which time Steve was openly wondering whether we'd have enough riders to keep the average speed score high enough. Of course, what you don't want to do is get caught thinking too far ahead. None of us are daft enough to do that are we?

NO CHINOOK, YOU CAN'T JUST CUT A CORNER OFF, 56 MILES MINIMUM EVERY SUNDAY NOW

We went under the bridge and approached what I thought would be the climb through the housing estate to the water station but that's because I heard "right" just as I'd looked at the right after the left which gets you onto said climb. This led to the obvious end result of me scrambling to get back onto the rear end of the pack not that they could get away with only three of them unlike what I hear happened last Sunday - while I went to drink beer and watch a bike race you lot apparently split into two groups and, from there, I presume into six rounds of "join the clique". Today's team had to stay together and not end up under the half ironman 56 miles so we turned left after Gathurst to climb to the top of the M6 junction where you reach yet more new builds quite lovingly titled "Cat in the Window". Apparently the previous building on the site was used as a WWII logistics planning centre and when a meeting was coming up the cats used to just know this as if they were psychic because they'd be in the window. How fitting for a town where a bomb squad appearance sends the hordes to the pub! We continued to the Standish crossroads then past the golf club featuring yet more new houses and then it was on to Haigh Hall where we saw two runners coming the other way; I liked the one in purple who reminded me of Ranvir off Good Morning Britain. A few spits of rain started to fall and this made the wind seem more arduous on the ride into Blackrod featuring the JACKASS descent but we almost didn't make it there because in a portent of things to come, I misjudged the difference between a left hand kink and right hand turn and nearly ended up going through the door of the pub at the top of the golf club road. We got to Horwich roundabout but this time it was the turn of the other Robert to save a bit of distance by cutting the corner, then again you couldn't blame him because it was getting into "should we cape up" territory. However, the main incident during this passage of play was Blue Volkswagen Idiot opening his car door and trying to answer back when I shouted at him! With this miscreant leading the Reject standings we continued slogging up the main road towards the chippy van but there were no dodgy aromas because I assume he'd read the weather forecast. This didn't stop us reaching for any waterproofs we had but unusually this would be a day when the temperature would drop during the course of the ride and we would end up wishing we had more layers to work with. And this would really hamper our performance during Part 3: the Road into the Middle of Nowhere.

HOW TO NEGATE CHINOOK'S RECENT #GAINZ: PRAY FOR A DOWNPOUR AND CONFISCATE HIS FUEL SUPPLIES

I'll be honest here: I think Ste Francis has been onto something for a while. During my three month detox I had to avoid meat for the most part and now I can have it again, suddenly I don't want it anymore. That'll probably get some of the trolls going thinking "oh here's Chinook I've heard he's a bit of a snowflake let's have it out with him" but please, it's 2018 not 1972. Speaking of snowflakes we thought we might have to deal with a few as we descended the road past Matchmoor it was incredibly greasy plus I couldn't really see where I was going. Maybe having lashes as long as that of Paloma really does have its disadvantages..........I thought we might descend Barrow Bridge Road but in fact we would take in the new (for me) road past Bromley Cross which would lead us on a circuitous loop round the back of Bolton where the hydrophobic top tube bag which I'd tried to secure a few times finally discharged its contents near the local petrol station. This led to a mad scramble to stop motorists driving over my energy gels and Torq bars while the three Amigos got chatting to a runner who probably wished he'd done the London Marathon so as not to get soaked. Unless they thought I'd done a quick change and was into hashtag beastmode because one thing with running is, unlike riding a bike, I'm actually quite good at it. Especially when it's called a Parkrun. With my four energy shots packed away and the bag secured we could continue round a few roads where I was completely lost in more ways than one, not least because I was now freezing especially on the descents and to be honest I'm surprised no one put a Chernobyl-style exclusion zone around me looking like I was about to lose control of the handlebars. Eventually, via an approved shortcut known as Windy Harbour Road, we ended up on more familiar territory which I recognise as the old Darwen Triathlon route, now more commonly known as the Roman Road Reverse. This was a bit comforting in my mentally destroyed state but it also reminded me of the time I lost both the pedals during the triathlon. But I still finished, only in 50th place when a top 10 was up for grabs. One more technical descent later we reached Belmont and regrouped at the Black Bull pub to decide what to do next. Eventually, common sense won out.

NOW DARREN WISHES HE'D GOT OUT OF BED AND FOLLOWED THE SHEEP

When I say that common sense prevailed I mean there were really two choices. Either ride up to Blackburn and force me to freeze on the flat behind someone else, or let us work hard on Belmont and keep a bit warmer while giving me a clearer track to work with. Thank you Steve Depport; your decision got me back alive and assured you of a report to read. For my part I decided to play run off and hide while also chasing down Specialized Yellow Jacket Man. Amazingly with Darren still in bed no one was available to play wind-up merchant and the end result was an upset special! Not as big as the atomic bomb special a fortnight ago at Stadt Moers Park but a nice result nonetheless. The cute sheep on the top of the hill certainly approved too. On the descent, however, I went to pieces particularly at the cattle grid and as such having been first to the summit I was last to the reservoir which was quite a sight today with the rain splashing on the lake surface. We took the common sense approach and decided to aim for Adlington then cross the junction for a different take on the road to Coppull, during which we almost made it to last week's road race course but with no one up for visiting the White Hart for a pint we turned left twice for the southerly run to the Thyme and Plaice. During this stanza three cars passed us but the Ford Fiesta nearly clipped Steve Depport's shoulder, that was now two motorists in the doghouse. Some people, honestly............Eventually we got to turn right and with the rain easing up I took the opportunity to get my confidence back and return to the front alongside Rob Shirley who really is getting back to form, and we kicked on nicely on the road to the A49 followed by the Pepper Lane Chippy but while Rob did approve of my culinary tastes for such a place when under the influence he agreed it doesn't count as the real thing anymore when sober. We went back past Cat in the Window but no pussycats were to be seen so we turned right after the Charnley Arms and then right again for the main road route home via Parbold Hill.

ICE CREAM? THE BEACON? NO, I'LL JUST PASS

We briefly considered returning via Appley Bridge but stuck with my plan from last week; main road over potholed nightmare so Parbold it was. And it had a nice warming effect as we ascended to the ice cream van summit where the driver was nowhere to be seen today (probably a good call if he didn't have any decaf almond lattes to hand off to any divas) then attacked the descent to try and get 24 penalty points between us. Not this time though. During the last few dry miles I'm not sure whether my speed on the front was up to standard but it made for an interesting run in because it gave us a real chance to get in, eat lunch, run to Booths for booms and get the afternoon viewing organised. Fittingly it was Rob Shirley, king of the 2 hour workout, who took the final climb into Ormskirk, how great it is to see him returning to race fitness. We went our separate ways and that was it for another great day of riding, 58 miles in a real mix of weather. More of the same in every way next week we hope!

Now for the results, brought to you by Rob's choice, Club Roost Wheels:

Distance: 93.51km
Time: 3:24:44
Average Speed: 27.4kmh
Horses: 2
Hors Cat Climbs: 1
Sheep: 2
Torq Bars Eaten: 1
Runners: 4
Slippery Descents: too many
Post Ride Nutrition: Avocade and edamame sandwich then a Booths chocolate cake and hot chocolate

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Topeak Top Tube Bag
(Imagine if the supplies had fallen down a grid)

Time to watch the Chelsea-Southampton match. If only we'd had the London weather today!