The Father's Day Banana Split Special

Father's Day gatherings around the North West plus the little matter of the Southport Triathlon meant that we only got enough for three groups today at the shop. The 40-strong contingent split in the classic A/B/C cohorts, with The General back to lead the C's while John Hesketh took a B ride to Roots in Catforth. That left Neil to lead the ride Matt was supposed to head up, and presumably would have done but for the fact that he doesn't really like getting his tyres dirty. Well, he might have a point, actually; the ride would be the flat and fast fiesta he promised but one of us would end up goring through the remainder of their 2015 tyre allocation - and no doubt incur a 20-place grid penalty next time Wilko's around to take a Race/A ride to the Pudding House. Read on to find why there was no pudding for any of us today.

GREAT IDEA WITH THAT NEW ROAD THERE, NEIL, JUST DON'T FORGET TO CHANGE GEAR

We set off up Ruff Lane with me nestled into the best seat in the house, Row 3 alongside Kuota Kiral man, who was on the only bike in the group to feature a taller head tube than mine given that Chopper Dave is nowhere to be seen while he's doing his 56 ascents of Clieves HIll every day in HASHTAG beastmode. Actually, the first part of our ride would be plain sailing despite the presence of a couple of potholes prior to Whiteleys Lane, and soon we were onto the first proper stanza of the chainey route. In fact, the chainey route on its own followed by 10 laps of Pimbo had been suggested as a potential route for today's ride as a way of avoiding any swimmers/runners but to compete in a race (sorry chaingang) situation you either need legs like an NFL player or, better still, remember to change gear on cue. Now I know that both such criteria apply to some people who ride with the BIG S on their head tube but on this occasion it was Neil who caused a mini speed wobble coming up the mini climb after the A577 and a further fright was just around the corner as a rather over-enthusiastic dog took time off from terrorising runners to chase after us. Of cousre, he lost. So we carried on towards the Hoscar Moss, where we deviated from the Tuesday SMASH 'EM ALL route to briefly head towards the railway line. But Neil had a better idea; why not go down Meadow Lane? This road is fairly gravely but it's a lot better surfaced than Wanes Blades Road and it even had me wondering where on earth we really were. This was resolved as we ended up on the A59 northbound for Rufford. We turned right onto tailwind heaven and set about catching an Endurance Store rider ahead, on a red and white Venge looking as though he'd broken into David Jackson's home. The only "break" on as far as we were concerned, though, was that being set up by Kevan who delighted in delighting us with a punch of speed past the 25mph mark, usuall around the point where I start to feel it. Having said that, consistency and strength are usually far more important than speed and someone who's got that plus character in abundance is Ste Francis who drew alongside me during the next pack shuffle. His grit and determination battling through the problems he described made me feel a bit of a woosy for whinging the other day about a visual migraine (even if such an occurrence on a club run would end up with a mass CHINOOKING of 20 riders, that'll teach me to drink 10 glasses of water a day). Next up was the Col de Croston Train Station and we crested that with ease before rolling into the wilds between Bretherton and Midge Hall. Here, the pace frequently went past the 25mph mark even touching 28 at one point. This is probably only Zone 3 for Kevan but what an effort Brain put in to match him on the front - and he's not even been racing this year! Chapeau, sir. However, one or two others were dropping off the back and it was agreed that it was way to early to invoke the "if you can't hold on, TOUGH" rule. So we parked up just after the Black Bull and chewed on some snacks, in my case a post-Election austerity 2 for £1 flapjack from Londis in Birkenhead. To be honest, the b***r tasted like sawdust but hey, food is food and a St Helens Tri liveried Shiv isn't going to pay for itself is it, even with that new job I took on this week. Now we could settle down and enjoy Part 2 into Leyland but this is where a sense of high noon tension began to niggle away at the California 56'ers (watch out for them in the stats column too).

THAT'S NOT A SPEED CONCEPT YOU'RE ON NOW, LUKE

Shortly after setting off a load of multicoloured items flew out the overstuffed back pockets of a rider in front of me. This necessitated another park-up while we worked out what had happened. It turned out that Luke, who has recently updated his own size 56 Tarmac with aerodynamic drop bars, had lost pretty much the entire contents of his jersey including a THIRD bottle of water, a rain jacket and a banana which was officially classified as DEAD given a car had managed to take it out. Let's just say Lunchmoney Luke mustn’t have too many bills to pay right now as he seemed quite happy to ride with all the gear a cyclist needs, plus plenty more besides. Having come to his sense and realised there's no top tube mount to bolt his third bottle onto unlike a Trek Speed Concept, he slotted into Row 2 as we enjoyed a trip round Worden Park - I particularly liked the way this looped round to the back of Runshaw College, apparently the fastest-growing sixth form college in the local area (memo to oneself; send CV off to these guys next to acquire Kevan's choice of wheels) and we plunged down the following descent where something which must come close to defying the laws of physics occurred; I rolled past Kevan while weighing eight stone (or at least that's DNA Dave's prediction, I can confirm to him he's way out with that as otherwise I'd have gone to the car show in Victoria Park in search of Formula 1 cars to sit in). Of course, I got caught in 52x13 at the wrong moment and the following rise dropped me back to my previous position, but maybe those 20x200m beast sprints really are good for adding leg weight and increasing capillary density, because the pace, while officially being quite high, wasn't taking anywhere near as much out of me as I'd anticipated. This meant that come the next junction I had plenty of breath to discuss the difference between the new Venge and a Merida Reacto with Kevan (sorry Kev but I think the Bianchi Oltre XR1 is stunning, saw one in a shop in town the other day and hey, I'll be passing them every week soon). Soon we were at the end of Leyland Loop and were heading back towards Eccleston, where I got a god conversation going with Brian about the Saints adventures in Nantwich the other week and how hilly it is in Derbyshire for my little trip east on 19 July. I was now creeping up the order so soon it would be time for a hit-out on the front - but would this be a show of strength, speed, both or neither?

F*** THE RACE GROUP, I'M TEAMING UP WITH MARK TO DEVISE SOME NEW ROUTES AND DESTINATIONS

As we passed the Tincklers Lane turn-off I pulled alongside Mark Brownett on the front, who has really improved since he got on that Cervelo despite me thinking it was too small for him. Then again, apparently he'll be rocking the tri-bars and a wetsuit soon, so watch out! We saw a fair few riders coming the other way tailgated by what looked like a female triathlete to which I muttered "age, marital status please" (well she did look like Jennifer Lopez). But the fun wasn't over yet; as we rounded the right-hander where the car showroom used to be we came across another Farmer's Arms, advertising "delicious food served by delicious (you read it correct) staff". After last week's "experience" in Southport with the strip club you could be forgiven for thinking we'd fixed this as some sort of a joke but no, it just proves that when it comes to great leadership as demonstrated by Kevan and Neil, it really does take one to know one. We continued south but never quite reached Wiggo Corner, instead turning right at Tunley Lane, by which time I was joined by Alan Treanor, fresh from doing his all-day epic to Wem yesterday, which created quite an unfair matchup on the front. Almost as tough as Andy Murray found it to sweep two opponents without dropping a set today, but you knew that already. We stayed out front despite a few calls to ease back a bit prior to the church (and because the 4x4 driver coming the other way was actually courteous to us) but shortly after dodging a parked up Range Rover round the back of Mawdesley I handed off to Kevan once more, who surprisingly didn't seem all that eager to go into beast mode - perhaps he's saving that for the club trip next week. By now it was nearly 11am so quite a few of us were contemplating an afternoon with the family and plenty of sport on TV, not to mention a catch-up of events in Southport - just the sort of event you would need new, but reliable tyres for. Wait a minute...........MAVICS?

I DON'T ALWAYS PUNCTURE. BUT WHEN I DO, I WRECK ANOTHER TYRE TO GO WITH IT

In the first five months of the year I had one bike puncture the day I did my Curlew Lane clanger but I racked up two nails in my left rear car tyre. That all got blown out of the water, quite literally, when I was stringing the last life out of the Turbo Elites on Simon's century ride a fortnight ago and having moved the Mavic Yksions to my summer bike in preparation for unleashing some really good rubber soon, but the tyre food chain might just be getting another kickstart soon because a huge HISS came out the back of my rear wheel in Hilldale, and although at first it looked like a routine puncture sorted in seconds by John's gas canister, ten seconds later another double-barrelled shotgun (I mean inner tube) went BANG. The real problem? The sidewall had an almighty split in it and at first I wondered if I could possibly get home, but in the event DNA Dave had a tyre boot to rescue me with. As we were repairing the stricken tyre, Matt appeared having realised the chances of anything falling from the sky were around zero and he quizzically wondered how on earth I manage to puncture in such style so often. He even handed me an inner tube as an emergency special to get me home so at least I can use that as a deposit against a Cervelo S3, but upon restarting I could feel the tyre wobble as I leaned into left-hand bends - that should put to bed DNA Dave's perception that I only weigh eight stone and that the various equipment I carry inside my socks must weight about half as much again. So I stayed at the back as we descended the Common past the venue where I played a gig on Friday night, before crossing the railway line and then right for the Beacon. By this time I wasn't up for blowing any more inner tubes at 30mph so thought it best to take the shortest route home, also to catch the start of the Austrian Grand Prix. The return home was pretty uneventful and showed just how slow I am when the adrenaline plus fun factor disappears. Indeed, the only moments of note were when an Audi A6 driver risked wrecking its own rear tyre against the kerb at the Beaufort roundabout (you can't get St Helens Red Open Corsas for that one mate) and the final 800 metres before the Formby Cycles bridge where I spotted Formby Dave enjoying a gentle spin on his winter bike. After parking up at the home of my summer bike and picking up a few Slime SKABS to fix the rips in the inner tubes I bolted over the junction before parking the bike in the garage having done a half-century in pretty breezy conditions before booting up the computer just in time to see Fernando Alonso and Kimi Raikkonen wreck a couple of cars before half a lap of the Red Bull Ring had been completed. Many thanks to John and DNA Dave for helping with the inner tube change, I've never had to battle with such small undersized tyres before. At least they're being removed in time for next Sunday...........

Now for the results, brought to you by my new employers, the Liverpool Philharmonic:

Distance: 82.01km/51.26 miles

Time: 2:31:52

Average Speed: 32.4kmh/20.25mph

Dead Inner Tubes: 2

Dogs: 1

Overstuffed Jersey Pockets: 3 (buy a squirrel snatcher, Luke)

Jennifer Lopez sightings: 1

Post Ride Nutrition: 8/10 (Platter of Italian meats and cheese plus salad - I'm sure Kevan would approve, just not in front of a computer screen)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The California 56ers

(Lunchmoney Luke for losing his bottle and banana, and yours truly for wrecking yet another tyre)

See you all next week to finish off June in style. With the club trip on, we may be down to three groups and limited choice once more. Does that mean a fourth group will get a day pass to do a long one? I hope so!