F is for Fifteen to One and FlyDeRosa on Father's Day

It’s somewhat rare that everyone signs up for a 9am ride on Father’s Day, but apart from a select few who left the shop at 8:30 it was 9am all round as Matt split the hordes into three groups. He took the C group towards Heapey while Dave Atkinson led an A/B ride to Anglezarke. That left a top 15 led by Steve Depport to take the regular A ride on a ride of three stanzas, the first being flatland fireworks, the second being the traditional “I want to find every hill in the area” part, the third being all about 30 seconds Tabata sprints. Steve Depport led his group out of town second, beginning with a trip towards Noel Gate.

I THINK MATT, TONY, STEPHEN AND EVERYONE ELSE AGRESS WITH MY IDEA NOW

We passed Morrisons and the Acropolis chippy with the clock still not quite at the 9:15 mark. I was on the left side of Row 4 next to Stephen Nelson who revels in using his 312 jersey every week, and why not? After all, not everyone can ride at Race group pace for 194 miles. He agreed with Tony Harvey that Noel Gate in Aughton is a perfect choice for someone like me, and as such is probably looking forward already to the housewarming party sponsored by a long-running company wearing black and green who have signed me up as an influencer (now for the results by……….) but before I go and buy all the best sports nutrition in sachet form (think the same standard as N-Fuse but a wider range with different styles of packaging) I was more intent on making a good go of it up to the top of the hill then onwards across Clieves Hill, where we were bunched up more than once by cyclists coming the other way up the climb as we hurtled down. As we turned back towards Ormskirk I started to wonder if we were simply going to do loops of our local hill climbing circuit but then Cube Man, who obviously has been using those fizz sticks, zoomed round the outside of the group wearing loose shorts like he was off to footie practice! This caused no end of consternation in the ranks as we fought to chase him down and it wasn’t until the bridge and the subsequent turn onto the A5147 that this major issue finally resolved itself. On we went to the Morris Dancers where we turned right for Heatons Bridge then left at the Dummersdale Lane turn-off for the Martin Inn, where Cathy Jenkins remarked last Wednesday that it was the fastest C group ride ever. Or was it just a few of us preparing for the Leeds Triathlon? Speaking of which, we had Steve Williams with us, undoubtedly the hero of the hour last Sunday, who placed 4^th in his age group and recorded a new 10k run PB! He was out on a “top of the house” A ride for the first time ever and certainly seemed to be enjoying himself as we made our way towards the railway line, which was a case of one bumpy road leading to another because the next target was Curlew Lane, and Inder was one of many who knew why I said “f*** this” as we turned onto this hallowed road, and I thought at one point it might be death by Croston Velo as they came flying towads us and looked every inch a potential rival to the great HMCC but once we had the road all to ourselves again we reached the A59 and the café. But not for a stop, oh no. Instead it was the old route back to the Hoscar Moss, avec piss stop, to contend with as some people’s caffeine intake had been a little too liberal. This was dealt with just past “that house there guys” whose owners must be mighty relieved that they’re not losing £50,000 off the value fo their houses due to chemical spills in the garden next door, and still in their good books we turned right at the Eagle and Child to motor towards the first climb of the day, Stoney Lane.

STONEY, PARBOLD, BANK TOP AND CROW LANE - IT’S LIKE AUGUST 2015 AGAIN

A few years ago, in the midst of racing season, a ride was staged where the sole aim was to take in as many climbs as possible even if it meant going up and down the same hill five times in a row and shouting YOLO every ten minutes. Today looked like it might be the same dose of medicine, but first we were very much entertained to see Stephen Nelson “almost miss” the left turn for Stoney Lane; presumably he forgot he was on John Farrington’s pet hate of rim brakes. Speaking of which, I rode over to Ormskirk with him this morning and he certainly wasn’t up for playing hashtag dominateeveryone on his 15kg winter warrior so it was left to me to make the comments about beasting everything and “this is where the next triathlon is won”. In he event Stephen and Alex put on by far the best show while I rolled in sixth at the Rigbye Arms, which for once I wasn’t taking my dad to for Father’s Day. That would wait until later, but for now we plummeted down the descent while I tried to get my doomed chain to work - either that or SRAM Rival gears need such exact actuation that they are simply not working right now - and we reached the Parbold Duathlon race HQ quicker than ever; rarely does half a stone lost to a vegan diet make such a positive difference both ways. From here it was onwards to Parbold, where for the second time people were asking “is the pub open”. Well how’s that for focus of the slightly different type, but for now I was trying desperately to stay with Rob Shirley and Tony Harvey who put on a cracking battle for best of the rest behind the Stephen and Alex show up front. Here I went one better and snatched fifth at the Miller and Carter where we pulled into the car park for a breather before riding to Dangerous Corner, where a left turn had us chasing after a black Vauxhall on the downhill dash to the Endurance Store and even more amusingly we came across a red Toyota tootling very slowly after the railway bridge. I know what you’re thinking, someone’s nicked my Yaris? No, it was a Toyota GT, probably a Celica, of 56 plate vintage, somewhat different to the model that won Le Mans yesterday. Once he’d got out of the way we set about climbing the first part of the next ascent to Bank Top, where once again Stephen and Alex came from the back of the pack to leave everyone else standing and this trend continued on the next climb up Crow Lane, a tight twisty one where David Rodgers certainly gave the usual suspects something to think about even if he seemed keen on “stroking” his aero helmet (a few watts saved into the wind with your aero gloves won’t get you past Mr Nelson mate) but when we reached the top it was home time for a couple of riders who needed to be back for Father’s Day festivities. The rest of us had more hard work to do, beginning with the descent to Dalton. Here, we were on the St Helens Triathlon bike route in reverse, and as such it was mighty unnerving to have to fight our way through a bit of slow traffic that was intent on being in front of us but not particularly insistent on getting on with its own day. It wasn’t until the underpass that we finally got a clear track again as we passed the Morris Homes development prior to taking on Part 2 of the Cols de West Lancashire, beginning with the easy side of Shaley.

THAT’S THE DECISION MADE, SHALEYFOR THE HILLCLIMB AND NO SEAT REQUIRED

As we began the climb I thought “let’s snap this trend of 5^th and 6^th places, and grab something better”. truth be told I’d be happier with a podium plus a load of 12^th and 13^th places rather than 4ths and 5^th galore (hello Nico Hulkenberg, how many F1 races is that without a podium now) so I glued myself to Rob and Tony before watching Alex’s attacking technique. It was noticeable how he didn’t drop down too many gears yet crank everything up for a Litherland-style attack for the line and this paid dividends for me as I made the move just prior to the last left-hander with my derriere hovering just past the tip of the saddle (think I might remove the seat post next time as well) and snatched the bronze medal! With this little upset special in the bag it was time to tackle the descent which obviously spooked me no end, but at least this side of Shaley is relatively smooth. At the foot of the climb I thought we might stay on the same road over the bridge but instead Steve took us left on a back road which eventually got us onto the usual route to Billinge. Here, we enjoyed the long, straight descent to the junction for Moss Bank before doing one last Hors Cat Climb hit-out on the push to the bus stop at the top of the hill, where the Turbo Two once again prevailed and fourth place for me rounded out the climbing. All that remained now was to complete the flatlands to the finish and we started on that via the industrial parks outside the city centre, though we did end up adding about 800 metres extra when we missed a right turn round the one-way system (imagine the St Helens 10k organisers adding on 800 metres of extra time). Next up was Eccleston which we reached via a rather unusual route through the houses round the back of the old rugby ground but it was between Eccleston and the crossroads for Prescot that the first prang happened. Alex was having a terrific ride but he had to back off at the sight of potholes on the drag just after the Mere and then my front wheel lost all steering over the same bumps. This led to my front wheel leaning against his chainstay and the person behind me catching my gearbox! Somehow we all stayed upright with Alex’s third-hand Cervelo S3 presumably having a mark of being CHINOOK’D but what a scare it was; Inder had no idea I could pull off a better save than Karius (before you ask Jurgen Klopp hasn’t been in touch yet) and as such we were on our nerve ends a bit as we proceeded towards the safari park where luckily no lions got out of the enclosure but we didn’t need anyone to chase us, not even the Chinook Cheetahs (my forthcoming FB page promoting the company I now work with and a blatant rip-off of the South African Pro14 team who hosted yesterday‘s second Test). Instead we reached the Prescot Cables FC traffic island so fast we had to actually use the brakes to get us through to the turn-off for Knowsley Village and here we re-enacted memories of last November when I cheated with the Continental Supersonic tyres. This time the front got rotated enough that you didn’t really feel the burn too much on your own turn, but a few people were now feeling it at the back and as such we were quite relieved that Stefan and Alex turned off at different junctures round the back of Kirkby while the rest of us motored on past the industrial estates to Barrow Nook. Here, Rob Shirley powered past the leader Tony Harvey because he was putting in one last time-trial effort to his front door but the rest of us enjoyed the reverse of the Bickerstaffe road race circuit and then left at the church. I knew that Charlotte, who was coming the other way, would have approved of the “sprint Sprint SPRINT” mentality, but what a time for a car to be coming from the Stanley Gate on a junction with limited visibility……….

CAN’T BLAME CHINOOK FOR THIS ONE, HE WAS ALREADY AT HIS NEW HOUSE

The left-turn out of Bickerstaffe for the A506 is a tricky one at the best of times. When we’re thinking YOLO for the 30mph sign in Aughton, timing is critical. And it was here that Andy Sparks, two rows back from me, somehow did a CHINOOK on the back of David Rodgers’ S-Works HMCC Edition and ended up on the floor just out of range of the aforementioned motorist! It was a big bang and the driver himself stopped briefly to check that everyone was alright but after a bit of time on the ground Andy was good to go, the only damage seemingly being to the handlebars. We set off once again and hurtled round the right-hander onto the final stretch for home where Stephen Nelson put us through one last round of beast mode (imagine how quick he would go with fizz sticks or the Phytosport range) and it was only one big shout of YOLO which amused Steve Depport no end which enabled me to burgle another third place in the fifth minute of injury time (in more ways than one) with Tony Harvey deservedly taking the laurels at the Dog and Gun.

For once I went with Tony through the back lanes of Aughton to get an idea of what will soon become my local area. We turned right where Steve Depport and Co. went left for Town Green, then turned back on ourselves at the bridge to head up towards Moss Delph Lane. Tony turned for home on the way up the hill leaving me to pass the junction for Noel Gate (make a note of that road for the housewarming party) and then I stopped at the top of the hill to eat a banana and dump the skin in the bin. While I was doing that, some bloke was riding towards Formby Lane and I bombed it down the descent to catch him. He was Steve the Specialized Allez Man from Leeds who was here to see friends and family for Father’s Day, and he was interested to hear of my adventures in his adopted home city last weekend. We rode together all the way to Farmer Ted’s where he turned left for Lydiate leaving me to time-trial the remaining few miles to Formby. This included the usual shout of YOLO at the Formby Cycles bridge where I hit 25.5mph and after one last attack down Altcar Lane I could turn into the driveway having covered 72 miles, before a quick turnaround and journey back to Ormskirk to enjoy a few pints with Matt and then my dad arrived at 6pm so we could enjoy a Father’s Day meal with a difference - the Cricketer’s even offering vegan options for me now! That rounded off a terrific Dads Day whereupon I fell asleep for a few hours hence the delay to the report, but there’s no better reason than for your old man. Now what to do in the seven days before the trip to Birmingham?

Here’s today’s results, in association with my upcoming FB page, the Chinook Cheetahs:

Distance: 115.28km

Time: 3:41:42

Average Speed: 31.2kmh

Prangs: 2, one of which resulted in a crash

Hors Cat Climbs: 6

Post Ride Nutrition: 10/10 (Four pints of Shipyard plus a three course meal with my dad at the Cricketer’s)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Specialized Bikes

(For being trouble magnets - one nearly wiping out a third-hand Cervelo and the other being involved in the De Rosa Destruction Derby)

Enjoy your ride next week, I won’t be there as I’m going through Spaghetti Junction to participate in the Birmingham Triathlon; what better way to launch my Arbonne influencer position than by putting their fizz sticks into a company bottle aboard J-Lo the Jaguar? Well, I could put one in an Oasis Supersonic Gin and Tonic while the England-Panama game is on……….