D is for Dirty Dozen and DISGRACE Down South

A turnout of over 60 riders meant that we needed five groups at the shop today, or by that I mean five groups on the road plus an eight-strong MTB team heading for the trails around Bickerstaffe and Billinge. What else they got up to I'm not sure, but there was a C group, two B groups including one on an all-day jaunt to Tockholes, and two A groups, one led by Mark Brownett round the coastal environs of Crosby and Southport while Steve Depport's dirty dozen did the reverse of last week's route, which started off with the Beacon and continued through Charnock Richard, Brinscall and Whittle-le-Woods. Steve's group was one of the first to head off, beginning with the drag up Ruff Lane.

98, 99, 100......NO NEED TO COUNT ANY MORE CHRIS, WE KNOW YOU'RE TOO GOOD AS IT IS

I started off at the back alongside Steve Kernigan and took the first available opportunity to sneak into the most sheltered spot on the left. The first few miles and somewhat tougher when you've had the Haskayne Moss Bridge to contend with but at last we didn't have any near-misses with kittens today unlike my experience on Friday's beast session ride in Ainsdale. There were plenty of rough road moments in the first few miles, not least the ones which had Steve Kernigan looking for a safer way round a few lengths behind me, but normal service was resumed when we got onto Vale Lane en route to the Plough and the usual run up the long straight stretch to Cobbs Brow. I thought we might continue into Newburgh to take on the whole enchilada of a Beacon but instead we turned right onto the route Chris and Rick did on that legendary day back in August. Apparently Chris still counts "99" every time he reaches the turn-off for Beacon Lane and no, that's not a reference to 99 red balloons either. Instead we powered up the succession of long drags until the main part of the climb. Just as you thought we might go up to the Prince William, though, we bolted down the descent only to slam the brakes on for Pillock (sorry HILLOCK) Lane. This was a very nervous couple of minutes for all of us not least after what happened on last week's ride, but luckily we all stayed upright as I got the latest from Charlie on his dad and how his recovery is coming along. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say I wish them well. Meanwhile, we were soon on Lees Lane with Appley Bridge awaiting, and we might have got there sooner if it hadn't been for a S***TALICIOUS moment when two cars (the first a white van with his hand superglued to his horn) came bombing down the descent, which put an end toi any MotoGP cornering skills we have to offer. We were only too happy to get out into the open and onto the Col d'Appley Bridge Train Station, where we turned right for that legendary junction. As luck would have it, I'd been kept apart from DNA Dave today as he'd chosen to go on another ride so there would be no chance of CHINOOKING him two weeks in a row. Instead, we settled into a nice tempo rhythm as Kevan led the ride past the pumping station, all the while wondering if he'd come out with the B group by mistake and fielding questions from me about his recipe for what looked like a banana bread oatbar (homemade not the Holland and Barrett variety of course). The group did a sterling job of staying together despite Kevan wanting to push the pace on (quite rightly indeed) and soon we were at Wiggo Corner.

OH LOOK HOW POPULAR WE ARE, WE'RE TAKING ON EXTRA MEMBERS DURING THE RIDE ITSELF

Instead of crossing the M6, we went straight on up Hunger Hill. During this segment I pointed out to Rick that there's a pub opening at 10am on Sundays which might serve as a cafe stop but in this day and age of marginal gains, Rick seems more interested in spending his cafe stop money on Zipp 404's, or something like that. For now they were being kept under wraps as we approached the Mulberry Tree, where most made the corner perfectly but Rick just had to take the long (read: over the kerb) way round the outside of a queue of cars. This sent the pack order haywire and would prove crucial in the presence of my troublesome gearbox holding others up on the climb through to Charnock Richard. Almost as troublesome as pretty much every part on Nico Rosberg's car at the Abu Double Grand Prix, but you probably had that one on the plus box already. Kevan used his Mavic Ksyrium Elite wheels to best effect and arrive at the junction in the lead, but the few who'd stayed on his tail joined him on the trip over the service station bridge while another group of cyclist joined in the fun. I'm not sure which club they were from - although one of them being on a Scott Foil suggests it was a Wallis Cycles RT offshoot - but once the pack order was reset people were asking if Kevan was getting any assistance out front. To which he said "no worries Chinook's here". YIPPEE. Now I got the chance to beast it out front with Mr Intensity-Is-Everything himself. We led the pack for the next few miles except for a short segment when Rick decided to steal some Strava glory down Dobbs Brow just before Chorley. He must have topped out at over 40mph on what turned out to be a 52x11 gear, and would have taken over as the new leader if I hadn't managed to rediscover a stupidly big gear (the cassette being particularly worn on the middle sprockets, it's time for a change this week methinks) The previous order was restored, except that Kevan turned the next few miles into a road interval session of 10 seconds a time, which must have scared little kitty at the side of the road no end as she CAT-walked round the corner we took the left-hander at the Seven Stars pub. This was where the usual protocol for a Chorley ride went out the window; I thought we'd take in Cowling and Rivington as per the usual routes but instead we found the only route out of town for the climbs  past the Red Cat towards Brinscall, avec roadworks. But what a toll this took on people's legs and chains............

EITHER CLIMB THIS OR TRAIN ON IT - THAT'S YOUR LEGS I MEAN, NOT YOUR CHAIN

The first tough mini-climb came on the main road towards Brinscall but here, Ian Gallagher's chain came clean off. This led to a quick park-up/piss stop/splash and dash fuel stop while people's fitness levels and the need to count a Dirty Dozen in was discussed. Soon, we were on our way to Brinscall via a set of roadworks, which luckily stayed on green long enough not to neutralize the race, or rather Charlie's dash for glory. He got away pretty sharpish with me and Kevan next up at the junction, Rick's fitness levels having taken a very temporary hit under the influence of a slipping chain and various alcoholic substances while he tried to climb while dragging his 404's over the summit and decipher the meaning of double points for a single DOUBLE-IMPORTANCE sporting event - and no I don't mean the game at Selhurst Park which might send Brendan Rodgers spinning out the door tomorrow morning. Oh I am a harsh critic aren't I.............We continued down the descent to one of my favourite climbs, Twist Moor Lane (apparently that's PISS POOR LANE in Steve Depport's book) but one would wonder why as there was no issue with the road surface. Belmont was mentioned but we turned left onto the main road towards the M65 roundabout and the Darwen Triathlon bike course, a sluggish and downright slow stretch of road which nonetheless gave me the chance to talk to Kevan about his plans for road racing in 2015; apparently these involve using the Trek lest he wreck his IMUK steed. Can you feel a shot of Nitrogen coming up soon? Me too, and not just because his chain was also trying to jump off its Rotor Q-Rings. Soon we were bombing the descent to the M65 roundabout and proceeded left towards the Boat House on the right, surely a new cafe stop that must be road-tested by the b group sometime soon. For today, we were enjoying Rick's Strava-snatching antics on the run to Riley Green all the while wondering if any of the alcoholic substances in his system would reappear at any point. Not today though! Instead it was me quizzically asking him about whether that OneRepublic song was called "Counting Stars" or "Seeing Stars". Our next target would be Brindle, and a left-turn at the church. It's always a high point of any ride, and with good reason; you know it's nothing but SPEED all the way from her for a good few miles. That was, however, unless you reckoned with a long drag towards a T-junction, which I thought I might take but instead only ended up being Charlie's lead-out man. He and four others zoomed past and I had to bust a gut to get on their wheel - not for the last time today either - and it was something of a relief when we got to plunge down the descent towards the A6. From here, legs would only get heavier - and all in the name of winning races next year.

WHY MAKE IT EASY WHEN YOU CAN MAKE IT HARD?

We meandered through the lanes to the top of Shaw Brow and enjoyed a speedy descent to the right-turn junction. Only thing was, me and Kevan overshot our landing point and had to take another junction 100 yards further up the road and rejoin the group at the back. But as Kevan would say, why make it easy when you can make things harder for yourself (all in the name of becoming a better person no doubt) and we had to battle to get ourselves back to mid-pack on the run to Dawson Lane. We upped the pace gradually towards the A49 junction, where Kevan's latest discussion point involved getting faster.......by adding weight. Really? I'd pay to watch that (anyone up for a run to Saighton/Bashall Eaves/Capernwray to watch some races next year? I'm sure I can find a few cafes to sample while we're at it). Upon crossing the A49 inder came into his own. He'd left Gemma to destroy the other A group with Mark Brownett but he was turning out to be the anti-Chinook if ever there was one; in other words 40 miles in the legs weren't bothering him and in fact he was quite happy to spin along at a frightfully high cadence; here's someone who's obviously improved efficicency with continuous 20mph+ rides on that turbo/wattbike/whatever he uses in the garage. Either that or CATLIKE helmets really down own it as per 2 Chainz and Wiz Khalifa. We continued onwards towards Flag Lane and Midge Hall, passing the Texaco in the process. Here, the pack order shuffled numerous times, eventually allowing the two Formby squirrels out front to lead the pack. I thought we were keeping things under control at a nice, steady 22mph but Charlie and Kevan had other ideas - and what a cafe sprint it produced too.

HMCC BOY RACERS DIVISION VS A KUGA - WE OWN IT AGAIN

As we reached Croston a quartet comprising Charlie, Kevan, Chris and Rick sprinted past me and I strained to get on their wheels. A Ford Kuga in the middle of the village centre held things up somewhat leaving Kevan to comment that he'd be having nightmares about big-ass vehicles all week, but that didn't stop him leading a 30mph charge of the light and not-so-light brigade across the moss to the A59 while I tried everything to rejoin them. Ian, Steve Depport, Clay and Cameron joined me in a second quintet and we swapped places several times on the final run-in to the line but none of us could get within striking range and it appears as though Kevan was first across the line to claim the last sprint point of the day, which of course counted for triple points as it must do. Some headed home via the Hoscar Moss at this point while I presume others went in the cafe for a bite to eat but me and Ian were joined by Clay for a straight-home-get-to-the-pub beast session with the westerly wind. We were held up momentarily by another group of riders trying not to get sat on by a couple of horses, but once they were out of the way both groups of riders could kick on once again and I got to discuss the usual group of nutcases I sit with in the pub most weekends during the football season. We're so well-known nowadays, we even get our own table reserved just for us. There's never a place "reserved" at the front though, at least for those not in the mood to beast it, so we took it in turns to hover around the 20mph mark on a cruise round Gorst Lane and the High on Bikes industrial estate. Clay turned off for Ainsdale at North Moor Lane while me and Ian tackled the Col de Ship Inn, dodging mud and numerous cars in the process. Eventually the Haskayne Moss came into view, a familiar sight for both of us right now given that the main road from Formby to Ormskirk is blocked until the end of the month. I've grown to quite like this route, except when we've got over 60 miles in the legs and we have to hammer it into a headwind with the sands of time running out. The by-pass appeared at long last and after parting ways at Cable Street we could get home in time for a quick bath and lunch before sitting down to watch an absolute disgrace of a Liverpool match in front of either a plus box or in the pub; all in all it was a pretty sub-par morning for me which only got worse both with the match and the result of the Abu Double Grand Prix. How relieved I was when Sunetra stayed in on Strictly, I don't think I could have taken another bad result.........

Now for the results, brought to you by today's filthy rich sponsors, the National Bank of Abu Dhabi:

Distance: 104.67km/65.42 miles

Time: 3:35:39

Average Speed: 29.12kmh/18.2mph

Crippled Chains: 4

Cute Kittens: 1 in Chorley

Post Ride Hydration: Three pints of Heineken in the Royal, Formby

REJECT OF THE RIDE: 2 x 2 Chainz feat. Wiz Chinooki

(Four chains off; the two fastest riders plus the two squirrels. Let's just say we don't own it every time)

See you all next week for another great ride. With no footie to get back for, how about a longer option, say to one of next season's prospective race venues to road-test a cafe or two?