Cat (Lovers) Get the Cream in Catforth

The club dinner hangovers and the threat of rain and strong winds meant we had a much smaller than usual turnout at the shop this morning but we still had 20 intrepid travellers of varying standard to join in Wilko's ride to Roots near Catforth. I was particularly keen to reach the cafe this time having had to bail out with a migraine when John Pout and David Rodgers went there a few weeks ago. So it was great to ride with a few people I'd not seen in a long time as we set out of town, beginning with Dark Lane.

I POST DEPARTURE TIMES, NOT ARRIVAL TIMES. AND SWITCH THE AIR BRAKES OFF!

We flew down the first two miles at over 21mph and we could have switched the Garmins off and just logged that as our average speed to impress our average speed hunter Rick Taylor, who apparently was still at the Ormskirk taxi rank at 3am. Quite how many shots everyone consumed last night I've no idea as I'm banned from drinking right now, but I was certainly enjoying my first few group miles of 2018 as we flew round the curves of West Lathom and towards the petrol station left-right, which was full of gravel and potholes. Apparently nobody needs to worry about this anymore because all the latest bikes have disc brakes and room for 40mm knobblies but don't tell that to anyone who struggles with side to side balance, besides I've got a stash of those forbidden items known as 23mm tyres with big discount stickers on the boxes (why are YOU not surprised) ready to be unleashed at the next race. We certainly raced towards the railway line, only to be punished for setting off well after 9am by getting stopped at the barriers for 30 seconds but we were up to speed again soon after and Wilko looked like someone ready to take on those who swept the board last night for the major prizes once again. But not the Golden Spanner award which wasn't handed out, because I'd have it bought and paid for with my excellent record in mini mechanicals and power-induced drivetrain failures. Today's comedy moment was the rear mudguard I'm battling to keep alive to the end of winter training season because it just won't stay in its socket despite Ralph trying to slot it into where it should go. It didn't slow us down too much though as we powered on to the Eagle and Child where four riders were parked up waiting for their mates to get out of bed. Not sure if HMCC or Wigan Pier BOUNCE veterans of old..........

WHEN WE SAY "KEEP IT TIGHT" THAT ALSO MEANS ACCESSORIES AND CORNERING TECHNIQUE

We battled with the road surface from here to Eccleston, first through Bispham Green where there was no end of water and gravel, then Mawdesley where potholes were the order of the day. By the time the first round of "f*** this" had come from GUESS WHO we were starting to splinter a little so thankfully no thugs were killing anyone at 9:30am and we kept things tight, just what our new hero Kenny Madden would approve of. We passed a house having a lot of work done on it (wonder if they'll part ex for one of the new builds we passed later?) and eventually reached Eccleston. Only trouble was, it was time for me and Karl the Bathroom Man from Skem to take over at the front and, worse still, my fuel supply (two Tesco shortbread squares which I stupidly paid full price for) was dangling like a pair of, well, lights under my top tube, so we stopped at the Texaco to allow the tail-enders to return and my bag to get reattached. From here it was left then right, twice, as we took on the segment towards Penwortham only to end up dealing with the dirtiest corner I've ever seen on open road, the garden centre left hander just before the railway line in Longmeanygate. This took an early lead in the Reject standings and had me and Karl on his Canyon wondering whether we should have dropped the air pressure in the tyres a bit. However, one person who would definitely disagree was Steve Goff Frame Man, who had a half inflated tyre and needed to pump his front suspension up. He wouldn't get a chance just yet as we were hurtling past a few prestige houses and a couple of new build complexes, but most surprising to Karl was the development in Longton across the A582, which I last visited in July when we crossed the building site (I mean road) the day Steve Depport got kidnapped into going on such a long ride that he ended up at a cafe. Oh dear. Today, however, a few did turn for home early but creditably the vast majority wanted to be fed a gourmet meal for the second time in less than 24 hours so continued north towards Preston. At the traffic lights our hero with the under inflated Michelin Lithion 2 finally got his 100psi back and rejoined the group just as we negotiated the road past Total Fitness and the closed down Harley Davidson shop, then past the old Ribble showroom and up the hill alongside the railway line where the trains rushing from Blackpool only made us feel like we were going yet slower than we already were into the headwind. There isn't much else in this area, apart from wide roads which are more like boulevards and large roundabouts one of which leads you to the sports arena where the Bill Bradley Ride used to start from. Indeed, today's next segment would be the opening stanza of that old Southport CC classic so that meant lots of fast sweeps into familiar corners for me while Karl wondered how the world's most nervous rocket ship could suddenly be throwing his bike into the corners so easily. Well, forewarned is forearmed and especially when you don't expect the van coming the other way to respect the right of way we have. He was probably looking at the dumped settee in the skip on our side of the road to put in his new build property, but we were having a serious battle with the crosswind confirmed by a Spanish flag blowing strongly at the turn-off for Barton. We carried on over the bridge to the Catforth junction which confirmed to those of us in the know that the cafe wasn't very far away and as such we prepared to nail the headwind in these final few miles.

HOW TO RE-BRAND "SLIM-FAST"; CALL CHINOOK AND SEND HIM TO ROOTS

We went round the outside of Catforth past a disused petrol station and upon reaching Roots Lane we were now very sure of where we were, in other words straight over the bridge and then it's feeding time. As such we made the right turn just in time to avoid a YOLO sprint for the line, rather a mad scramble to park the bikes up and lock the, to the railings before going inside to choose off the menu. Eggs and sausages on toast were popular but of course the diva with the Limar helmet is rather restricted on diet choices at the moment. As such it was time to pick off the specials board and the lady doing the drinks was most amused to hear me pick the SLIMMERS breakfast and mint hot chocolate with whipped cream. I did point out that I'm only trying to avoid caffeine and cut down on gluten and that I've also been mistaken for a no. 10 at my local rugby club (not the Leicester Tigers) but the picture of the drink was straight onto FB as soon as it arrived and truth be told they didn't need to read my number out, it was like "yes that's mine". But you knew that already. The breakfast, comprising bacon, egg, beans, mushrooms and tomatoes wasn't the most appetising but right now it's a perfect match for my delicate situation and it was so digestible I went back and amused the B groupers even more by ordering a gluten free lemon sponge! They were like " so that's why you run every morning" while Stuart Smith presumably sent the pictures to Rebecca who's probably thinking I'm nuts to be attempting a half ironman but as I would point out later I've been doing better with blood sugar since I knocked the coffee and beer on the head, even if last night's artificial sweetener overload gave me a raging migraine and stopped me getting to the green rooms. It was also interesting to hear from those who ran 10 mile races in under 55 minutes in the 80's and apparently some of us are doing it all wrong by stuffing our faces post spin class, instead we should let the hunger set in by burning body fat then eating two hours later, obviously that explains why the A group's next step is to ban breakfast as well as cafe stops. Otherwise Ormskirk RUFC will be putting me in the front row next week.........We unclipped the bikes from the locking racks and after a quick loo stop featuring a most amusing euphemism about not missing the target (no penalties were awarded here never mind bounced onto the upright) we could relieve ourselves and set sail for home via the Saddle pub.

VENI, VIDI, VAUXHALL

We returned towards Woodplumpton via a more familiar sequence of roads including the famous Saddle pub in Preston, which we really should visit this year on the second Sunday in July, as it's the ten year anniversary of my breakout ride with Southport CC when we stopped here on the way back from Harris End Fell and had chips and a pint of Wainwright's while the Manchester-Blackpool riders were patched up after what looked like a mass pile-up. How I vaulted from being the weakest rider to the strongest in one dodgy cafe stop I'm still not sure but it's still the stuff of legend to this day. We were stopped shortly afterwards by roadworks but got right back on it to reach the outskirts of Preston very quickly especially in view of the wind we faced. The switchbacks through the housing estate brought on flashbacks to the lunatics on the aforementioned charity ride who bombed round the corners three wide the other way but we dealt with the traffic rather more efficiently today and even got a bit of a tow from various motorists through the docks, thankfully avoiding the tramlines. Next was the turn towards the road under the flyover where a bit of judicious control was needed to avoid the worst of the public transport friendly street furniture in this part of the world, before we took the surprising decision to tackle the Col de Penwortham then through Hutton. This did give us the desired effect of riding past Booths and stopping me from stealing all the bargains on offer at the end of the week, but about a mile down the road today's Reject award went to an idiot in a Vauxhall Corsa who passed us very close -the fourth close one of the day - but crucially also gave us a load of abuse which locked up the first noob title of 2018. Shortly after I got back to the front alongside Graham only to nearly go and do a CHINOOK on him through one of the new estates in Much Hoole by banging handlebars at 20mph, just what you need practice for when road race training takes priority, he said. It will be fun he said, but not really when the headwind hit out into the open and we were battling the bikes all the way back to the Croston crossroads. Here we handed over the lead to Wilko once more who led the team into Croston itself just as riders a few seconds apart flew down the railway station bridge the other way. We would spot another group of riders at the roadside with extremely fat front tyres, one looked like it was three inches wide! None of them fancied chasing us so we were left to it through to the Robin Hood where we continued back to Mawdesley. By now the group was really starting to split and the leading quartet had a gap on the others but it was a great effort by all today, everyone who got out and did it were still wiping the floor with those in bed. For my part, I was trying to stay with Wilko up the climb to Bispham Green as we returned to the Eagle and Child, before tackling the final furlong, the John Farrington "break everyone's legs" segment of the Hoscar Moss.

KEEP DIGGING AND PLAY THE FULL 90, IT'S ONLY SEVEN MONTHS TO THE SUNDOWN SHOWDOWN

As we turned onto the open road I started to get a bit woozy from the pressure I put on to maintain form, that pretty much confirms I won't be having any soft drinks on the morning of September 1st. Wilko was the main man for the balance of this stanza as he led by example all the way to the turnoff for Dark Lane. Here, he carried on for Lathom while the rest of us smashed everything we possibly could to make it home in one group of three. This was easier said than done when you're trying to lead on the left lest you wipe a teammate out. In the event predictions that the climb sheltered from the wind would be quick proved correct and my inept aerodynamics were spared in favour of all that weight I must have lost since the end of December as the first UPSET SPECIAL of 2018 went in the books. As we rolled into Ormskirk we spotted one of our riders rolling in ahead, he'd simply done his own ride as he wasn't stopping for food. We went our separate ways at the cricket club and I noticed I was just past 85km so rode to Booths to blag a free coffee and pick up some organic cream for just 18p (perfect with blueberries) then YOLO'D back home to make up the 90km needed to rehearse a half ironman distance. Of course I couldn't leave it at that so naturally went to Total Fitness to lift some weights, ate a mid session snack (God dammit I'll be in the NFL next if I carry on eating everything in sight) then did a mile in the pool. That rounded off an exhausting weekend but a great first ride back for so many, let's keep it rolling..........

Now for the results, brought to you by Karl's choice, the Canyon Aeroad:

Distance: 90.4km
Time: 3:11:31
Average Speed: 28.32kmh
Dead Settees: 1
Animals: Two pheasants plus a horse
Close Calls: 4
Deflate-Gate Tyres: 1
Money Spent on Ride: £12 for slimmers breakfast, GF lemon drizzle and luxury hit chocolate

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Vauxhall Corsa Man
(For the earful as much as anything else, what a noob)

That's me done for the weekend, let's get that mileage up again and slay those 2018 challenges. Next up: the Six Nations/Super Bowl weekend, I'm sure we can ride, have a  cafe stop, ride back and get to a watering hole for 3pm next Sunday..........