The Bank Holiday Belmont Burn-up 2017

The Bank Holiday Sunday gathering was reduced somewhat by the 312/167 crew still enjoying a well earned post ride booze up but we still had around 50 people at the shop for the 9am start. Numerous options were on offer, with Pam trying to decide on a cafe after arriving at the shop while Stuart and Rebecca Smith led a local ride round eight local lumps. Meanwhile Matt took a 16-strong A group out on a ride to head east to Horwich and Belmont before returning via Tockholes and Brindle. Matt set off first, beginning with Dark Lane.

NO SWEET LOVIN' HERE, MORE IN SURVIVAL SUNDAY MODE

I slotted in on the left on Row 4 alongside Wilko, who is slowly getting his fitness back. We chatted for a bit about what I should do next, and as is common these days, we got talking about longer events, so for me I guess that must mean a marathon tilt or a 312 campaign. Well I'd struggle to get to the Balearics at the end of April but the Paris marathon is scheduled for 8 April, and given how significant that date proved to be this year (not forgetting it's the weekend in 2018 when my mum would have turned 70) it's food for thought if nothing else. Speaking of which the first few miles were a real slow burner as I'd eaten a huge sausage dinner in between getting in from work and going to the 22 club to watch the boxing last night, in fact I was wondering if I'd last the whole twelve rounds today given how noticeable the crosswind was on the Hoscar Moss. This clearly wasn't common knowledge to Luke who asked me on the first "change at the front" moment whether I was off to play footie afterwards with the protective long socks and a skull cap under my helmet; I countered that I didn't want to get my head blown off in the windy conditions. Just as well it wasn't a double headwind (as in easterly) at the Mid Cheshire 5k on Friday night (talk about all the stars lining up for a mammoth hashtag BOOM). We only slowed somewhat upon reaching the Eagle and Child but picked it up again through Mawdesley now with the next strongman in waiting, John Hill, out front. We then had the joys of spooking a lady on a mountain bike at the Doctors Lane mini roundabout but followed this up with a right turn out of Eccleston to visit the dilapidated place once known as Camelot. A bit like the Lake Dolores water park in California (apparently Prettylittlething.com used it a while back) but without the water. It was around this point that a couple of riders turned for home unable to match the A plus plus pace being set on the front (and since Friday night's 5k getting to A star pace means you're allowed to go to Liverpool Harriers in Wavertree. But I'm staying with St Helens). I nudged up to Row 3 behind Wilko as a couple of right-lane riders did the shameful thing and decided to hide in the left lane just as their turn was coming up; you realise Ste Francis is back soon and will be very angry? Lesson over. We kept the pace up into the wind past the Hinds Head but soon it was Chinook and Wilko time as we approached Adlington.

NO YOLOING HERE, I WAS JUST TRYING TO DRAFT TOM HANLON'S TEAM CAR

After clearing the Thyme and Plaice pub we turned left for Coppull where I got some fresh air out front and got a good chat with Wilko about his favourite no-wheels sport, rugby. I can't wait for next weekend's final Premiership games knowing that Leicester need a win at Worcester to seal their playoff spot but for our part we were driving the pile a bit too quick for some people's liking. So much so, that we didn't even think to slow down when confronted by a blue Skoda, the sort Tom Hanlon has been seen playing guitar in. I chased the 98-year-old driver and must have scared her to within an inch of her life but the pack was now well splintered and in any case it was time for a piss stop at the top of the hill, which we got just as a few competitors in the Horwich Triathlon came racing round the corner from Limbrick. The event photographer was on hand to greet us on the restart but I'm not sure if we got on his Sportsunday event collection. I'm sure he wasn't too impressed with me using a Vital Events bottle just as Epic Events take more control over things like the Roman Road Challenge, but at least the marshals were happy to wave us on as we crossed the reservoir road. After passing the Barn we continued towards the T-junction where a real bit of fun and games would ensue and no, before you ask, I hadn't done my research about closing the town centre off for the day either.

I'M GONNA GO OFF ROAD, ONLY GOT ELEVEN SPROCKETS ON MY REAR WHEEL........(THIS IS F***ING AWESOME)

No sooner had we turned left for Horwich than we were stopped by a roadblock. It turned out that Epic Events had decided it was of vital importance to close the road leading to the triathlon pit lane so we turned left up a side road which could just about be mastered in the big ring. Only trouble was, a call came to turn back just as the leaders were flagging a bit so we went down another side road to a dead end. At this point I was panicking thinking "why didn't I do more research about today's race" but that said Friday night had left me pretty exhausted anyway and it was a bit of an insipid performance from me up to this point. However, the guidance from a helpful local resident sent us up a pathway down the side of the school leading Luke to ask "who was first up there" forgetting that a) it was single file and b) there can't possibly be a Strava segment here (oh f*** what have I done now, JP will be after that one tomorrow). I wobbled and tried not to do any wheelies while hauling my way up the shortest ever Hors Cat Climb and was suitably loosened up with a fit of the giggles once we got going again. In fact we would stay on this road all the way to the turn off for Belmont, which as it turned out was our usual Matchmoor descent in reverse. Indeed I thought we'd be doing Tockholes first then sweeping into Horwich from the far side but presumably word of the Epic Events Club Championships led Matt to abandon any 40mph dive bombing plans for the town centre and go the sensible way. Equally sensible was the stock take we did once we'd turned off the main road as some were exhausted and wanted to turn for home, but far less sensible was the Toyota Prius driver who tried their luck against both us and a traffic island! Cue "WHAT'S HE DOING", naturally. With four cabs already off the rank this left around 14 of us to continue up towards the top of the climb before plunging down the descent marked "use your brakes" (for the racers as well as us). Now at the T-junction, we surprisingly abandoned any attempts at a PB up Belmont itself and instead went straight on through the village where sadly there was no triathlon or road race to be found today. Instead we got over the little rise and hammered it out of the village towards Tockholes, where me and Pinarello Tony took over. This led to a very entertaining segment with us on the front as we had to manage our pace while pointing out no end of potholes, gravel, dogs going for walkies and speed bumps, all while discussing last night's fight and how one time HMCC rider Josh Townson won £100 on Joshua to win in 11 rounds. All just about enough to get yourself a Limar 007 if you're photogenic enough to get signed up by team NRG4, but you knew that already. We briefly parked up at the pub but no one was all that far behind and this led us to absolutely blast the descent with the roaring tailwind, indeed I even got a new JACKASSING PB of 71.2kmh, beating my October 2006 Harris End Fell mark of 70.1! Here we handed over the leadership of the ride to John who took us through the next segment, the long slog to Brindle.

WELL THAT'S ONE WAY FOR GIANT TO ADVERTISE TUBELESS TYRES.........

We got a strong turn of speed up to Brindle before meandering our way through the village itself, but I was so close to turning back at a moment's notice when that lady came down the descent from the other side..........I'll leave Kevin Murphy to ponder that one, but we pushed on to Top O' the Hill Lane which we now know is going to be followed by the bumpy run past the water station. Everyone survived it in one piece and then we turned left towards Shaw Brow, where David Rodgers apparently spotted a cute little dog. Kind of how I always seem to come across fluffy kittens on training runs. Once onto Dawsons Lane we were beasted by Luke and whoever was nuts enough to challenge him out front at 25mph, and this game continued all the way across Buckshaw Village and only intensified on the run towards Eccleston, where speeds of 33mph were recorded and some of us on our measly 52x11 gears were spinning out. Isn't it ironic how my running cadence is so high yet I have a short stride length, yet on the bike my RPM is about half of what Alex does on his 50x13? I did suggest he get an 11t sprocket but then Tony pointed out that I must be able to ride on the front all day if I can actually talk at those speeds. Actually, no; just a copy of Charlotte's Cookbook will suffice to make the most of training gains (and wait until she's recovered from the 312, we'll all be off the back 10 miles from home). Surprisingly we turned left for Eccleston at the first opportunity but as we reached the bridge a spectacular incident occurred with an inner tube. I know what you're thinking, Chinook's going through tyres the same way Mclaren-Honda use up their engines? No, instead we had an Aussie friend riding with us today who was visiting family in Maghull, and his inner tube had fallen out of his TCR's saddle bag! This gave me the chance to ditch the arm warmers, down a few mouthfuls of Optimum Nutrition Amino Energy (Charlotte's favourite) and quiz our new chum on the size of his bike; I really do like the idea of a low-crossbar, long length machine to go mad on if only I could stop JP'ING over that bloody 312 you all seem to rave about. We got going again and our return tour would prove to be the same as on the way out, with Luke and John leading the way through Mawdesley and its endless potholes before peace in our time was restored upon spotting a horse just prior to the Eagle and Child, where the beer festival was kicking into a higher gear. Luke would turn off shortly afterwards leaving those of us who don't do bunched road racing/Litherland lawn mowing to attack the YOLO segment, the Hoscar Moss.

RED MEN TAKE NO PRISONERS - APART FROM VALTTERI BOTTAS

I was on Row 2 as the stress hormones went through the roof and Howie, alongside me on his Focus Izalco SL, said "wanna YOLO?" I think 1000 metres out of the last corner in Kingsley on Friday night would qualify equally as well but in any case Alex moved left allowing me to hammer the pace to 27mph just as a Volkswagen Polo stopped for us at the bridge. Clearly I wasn't working very hard as I had the breath to shout "stay Stay STAY" at the bemused driver and David Rodgers confirmed this by zooming past me well before the railway line. I countered with a no-saddle "look at me I can do running sprints" move to get on his wheel but half a dozen others had now joined the party and this enables John Hill to crest the bridge unchallenged ahead of me, David Jackson splitting the pair of us. Come the final Dark Lane dash there were only five remaining and I found myself leading Joh out for the Morgan-Hill company once more, but he had it even before I shouted YOLO and the rest of us reached the finish, namely the temporary traffic lights, well in arrears. All that remained was to wheel through the town centre and across the cobbles to get home for 12:45pm just in time to watch the Russian Grand Prix, featuring a first time winner in the form of Valtteri Bottas for Mercedes. A terrific 60 mile ride in great company, and well done to those who doubted they would survive the distance, yet clung on despite near-broken legs to get to the end.

Now for the results, in association with Sportsunday Photography:

Distance: 96.16 km/60.1 miles
Time: 3:11:25
Average Speed: 30.15kmh/18.84mph
Max Speed: 71.2kmh/44.5mph
Dangerous Inner Tubes: 1
Hors Cat Climbs: 1 miniature for JP to go STRAVAIZING on Bank Holiday Monday
Food Cost Today: 35p for half a pack of Home Bargains apple cakes
Post Ride Nutrition: 8/10 (Ginsters pepper steak pasty, loses two marks because there was no beer in the fridge)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Our Aussie friend's saddle bag
(Not least because I thought his tyre had exploded)

Enjoy the rest of the Bank Holiday weekend, but the next chapter in the journey we call 2017 is only a week away..........it's the Fred Whitton Challenge! It's not like I've done any special hill reps for this so let's just go and enjoy the ride, use every single feed station as a lifeline and avoid any Vauxhall Novas. Then go racing once more at Nantwich on the same day as the Southport/St Anne's triathlons. Table for 30 at the Sandpiper methinks..........