Bank Holiday Beanz, Beer and Banter - Post-Kiev Edition

Today’s numbers at the shop were divided by three very distinct groups; the A-Blue group who set off at 8am, the A-Red team who clearly were trying to get rid of last night’s hangover, and the C group that Pam took round the local lanes. With Matt ready to lead out of town those who had been to the Cat and Fiddle or those who had drunk far too much over the Bank Holiday Weekend (to say nothing of some who would carry on later at the Cricketer’s) we set off for a couple of hours easy pedalling, beginning with Ruff Lane.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE HASTHAG GAINZBRO, UNLESS THAT BURSTS YOUR INNER TUBE

I set off on the right side of Row 4 in preparation for the perfect time to take over the front once we’d got out of the headwind, or so I hoped. But no sooner had we begun than Shaun got the only mechanical of the day. While he took 7 minutes 45.04 seconds to change the inner tube I got talking to Charlotte about S23 Personal Training and its secret squirrel location and business model. After all, we don’t want weaklings walking in off the street, rather we want hash tag beast mode people looking for hash tag gainzbro. Also of note was just how aerodynamic Charlotte had made the handlebar area on her S5, and I don’t just mean what comes with the bike either, rather the accessories painted red to smooth laminar airflow. She later wondered if my hands overheat with gloves on, but truth be told I’m not really a fan of mitts and I prefer the same grip with all fingers. We got going again after a short delay and negotiated the worst of the potholes Ruff Lane has to offer while I got a chat with Stuart Smith about how to get the most out of the Argon 18 E117 but of course that next great purchase from the Bicycle Lounge can wait until I see how much loose change the upcoming house move to Noel Gate in Aughton bags me, and then I can consider a change-up to grab the same bike as Rebecca. Once out of Westhead we turned towards Spa Lane which is worse than ever. It was definitely one of those occasions when you wanted to be at or near the front but once out of the craters we powered on towards Stormy Corner, where a few started to struggle with the pace and the rising temperatures. Truth be told, I like a few bevies but alcohol plus a long spell of hot weather seriously messes with my system and I was wishing I’d brought Ste Francis’ favourite, the tri suit which kicked ass in Nantwich last week, with me. After the climb to the Maharishi school we descended into Newburgh where a “minor mechanical” was dealt with faster than a Ferrari pitstop and from here we weaved our way through Parbold, where apparently at least one person turned for home. I was surprised to hear that but at least it meant I wasn’t doing as badly as I thought. Shaun cheekily indicated right for Stoney Lane but no takers were forthcoming so we took the side road past the Farmer’s Arms where we did the first change on the front. Here, I got a chance to talk to Matt about his previous home in Aughton and how it compares to being within walking distance of the shop (I’ll still go to the 22 for the big matches though, I’m no jinx, after all while Klopp has lost seven finals in a row, I’ve only won my last three). We continued on the road for Wrightington whereupon we turned right at the T-junction but shortly afterwards we went left near the AndI Hardiman Leach Nurseries down a back road where for once I wasn’t the one losing bags of time despite being freaked out by the sub-25mm Mavic tyres on my wheels. I’m sure those 23mm Michelins are fatter………Anyway we were soon on the main road heading northwards past the old Toyota garage, but as you know Yaris drivers are very quiet and courteous. What about the others out on a Sunday morning though?

YES HAPPY SUNDAY YOU MORON, NOT EVERYONE LIKES TO RIDE IN THE GUTTER

As we left Camelot and the aforementioned Toyota garage behind, the traffic behind us started to build up as we approached Eccleston. It was here, just before the bank, that a white van man blasted out the most unrhythmic car horn you’ll ever hear just to intimidate us. Some people, honestly………With a few shouts of the above headline plus a couple of four letter words shouted his way we were full of electric charge as we changed on the front once more and now everyone could marvel at two contrasting styles, Stephen Graham spinning what looked like 50x13 very efficiently while I pushed the 52x11 to near death point. This generated a few calls for gear restrictions (but no rev limits) as we turned right after the humpback bridge towards Leyland, which we reached via the east Croston T-junction. Here, we turned right with me being the only one to scoot through a tiny gap in the traffic but the group was back together once more as we battled the headwind, unusually a north-easterly, before the hardest task to Flag Lane prior to Runshaw Hall Lane, which was time once more to change the leaders. Now I was alongside Pete who remarked “and they’re still going very fast” well in reality it’s more likely that we were all burned up inside and out from the past week or so, and as a result no-one was really on top form at this point. Instead, we rode north towards Worden Park then turned left just as a 4x4 decided we didn’t have right of way despite being on the correct side of the road to take priority! With two idiots now on the ROTR shortlist we powered onwards with a view to visiting the open plains of Penwortham, and this we duly did despite the ridiculous amount of potholes on some corner entry points to throw us off. However, we reached the giant roundabout as one group and now I was crossing a familiar road, the Tarleton 10 mile TT course, because I also know it as the reverse route coming home from Broadgate Cycles, your local Limar helmets dealer. Now that I’ve got that shameless plug out of the way for the helmet you might have seen on the podium last week in Nantwich I’ll get on with describing the next part of the ride, namely how we got back into Hutton via the petrol station then straight on at the roundabout and back into the wilderness, a variation on the roads we headed out on indeed, to begin the return route to din dinz time. And possibly another stop if we felt like it……….

AFTER YOU SIR, ACTUALLY NO I’LL COME IN FROM THE SIDE - NO PENALTY

I was surprised that we didn’t take the all road route back to Twin Lakes but Matt must have realised that there was no Danny Shearer to annoy with the gravel strewn back roads and as such took us on a tour of these lanes which always seem to have a stream running across them even in fine weather. We returned to the main road just ahead of a few cars and turned into our new favourite feed station around 11:15am. Most of the group wanted some food to fill the alcohol-damaged hole known as their stomachs from last night and as per two weeks ago I went for the beanz on granary toast plus San Pellegrino Limonata for a fiver despite dealing with a queue which had two distinct lanes, as in "which way are you queuing?" Once outside at our table, conversation topics included last week’s triathlon in Nantwich, the Aughton area and aero road bikes including the mini Venge that arrived in another group shortly after us and Mark Titchener’s Wilier Cento10 Air, which we were mightily relieved didn’t see any potholes or we’d never have found the new bike again. With Southport CC riders and a few from Croston Velo turning up we handed over to our local rivals and left just as the C group turned up having been led in by Pam. Now we could begin the ride home, starting with Mawdesley.

GO TO THE CRICKETER’S, HAVE A PINT AND WAIT FOR THIS WIND TO BLOW OVER

We began the return route with a café stop legs grind up the hill at the train station before riding through the village and onto the Ironman course. This time last year Rebecca Smith was seeing plenty of the area in preparation for that stunning 12:30 time she set and now she’s going to see it twice next week if she’s planning on rehearsing the 112 miles on her TT bike (note to oneself, do more rides on J-Lo the Jaguar). The group stayed together on the ride to the Robin Hood, but the restart and the rise that followed did take the power out of some people and it was a good call to do the route past Cedar Farm to make the hooligans/thugs slow down and allow the back markers to regroup. We came out at the Eagle and Child, but the pack splintered on the Hoscar Moss despite the absence of any Howie/Darren/Ste Francis types to shout YOLO; that would come later. Instead, Matt had prime field position and used it wisely to steal the Ring O’Bells, before we bounced our way over “Robert’s Roundabout” where I came off a few years ago and start the last few miles into Ormskirk. This final dash was where Charlotte and a couple of others turned for Lathom then home but there was still around a dozen riders together at the Greetby summit where we pondered what to do next. Most simply went home but me, Pete and Dave went in the Cricketer’s, what a good idea on a hot sunny day provided you’re not dehydrated, and we sat down to Wainwright’s, Guinness or in my case Shipyard American Pale Ale which I hadn’t tasted in a long time. It went down exceptionally well in the hot sunshine and Pete recalled his tales of Morocco and why I’m daft to support them at the World Cup, plus a few technical points on how kite surfing works. Probably a lot more in the lap of the weather gods than a PB hunt at Bickerstaffe, but at least you know there’s not as much you can do. We set off for home via Cottage Lane and while he turned left for Redgate, I carried on with Keith Bleasdale for around 800 metres before time trialling like the pre-Ormskirk days across the moss at 24mph with the wind behind me. The stretch after the horse stables was a clear sign my condition wasn’t that great, but coming out of the right-hander prior to the Causeway I saved up one last attack for when I shout YOLO at the final bridge before Formby Cycles, hitting 29mph as I did so, before another attack across the Tesco junction and into my old home road having covered 57 miles in brilliant weather. That’s how you do a Bank Holiday hangover recovery ride, beanz, beer and banter!

Now for the results, powered by Shipyard American Pale Ale:

Distance: 92.35km

Time: 3:05:54

Average Speed: 29.81kmh

Dead Inner Tubes: 1

Sunday Drivers: 2

Nutrition Rating: 10/10 (Beanz on toast with no animals harmed followed by one of America’s finest ales)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The two Sunday drivers

(One for the ridiculous use of the horn and the other for cutting us up at Worden Park, couldn’t decide so made it a joint award)

Next week is where it’s at. The Liverpool Phoenix CC time trial on the Saturday, plus the Roman Road on the Sunday. And that’s not including the vegan fair at Edge Hill and the Southport Food and Drink Festival all weekend. Credit cards and ID’s at the ready……….