B.A.M is for Barmy Army Mentality

A day of rain and strong winds meant that we only got enough Barmy Army Mentality riders for two groups this morning at 9am. As such an A/B ride was set up by Ralph to tour local environs before heading out to Much Hoole while Neil's B/C group did much the same thing. The A/B group set off first beginning with a loop around the cricket club.

BLOWING IN THE WIND BUT NOT BLOWN AWAY - THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL ARMY MENTALITY AND GOOD BIKE HANDLING

I set off on the right side of Row 3 behind Rob Shirley as we made our way up Alty's Lane, having been held up at the traffic lights on the way out of town. Not the best start to the day for sure, but at least it got the legs and lungs warmed up somewhat. We actually ended up with a saving grace of a solution in one respect as we had fewer people directly in front of us while trying to spot potholes through the drizzly conditions. As we made our way through Aughton towards the Miller and Carter we spotted a few Mercury riders at the pub presumably preparing for pre Christmas carb loading but all we were loading up on was a bunch of quick miles as the early leaders handed over to me and Rob just before the bridge at Pygons Hill Lane where we were greeted by a road full of mud and stones on one side and then turned past the last house in Sefton AKA Sue and Les' house only to be smacked in the face by a rainstorm and 35mph north westerly headwinds. This persisted all the way to the right turn down the side of Haskayne where we did get a bit of cheer from a group of riders parked up but we had the choice of either smiling or grimacing at the rider coming the other way on the road towards Halsall because  by this time holding the bike in a straight line was proving almost impossible. At least he was wearing the hi-viz yellow the government want all cyclists to wear from January. With no-one chickening out for an early bath we turned onto North Moor Lane and thanks to a last-second decision swung right before the bridge over the canal which achieved the desired effect of lobbing everyone out of the Chinook frying pan and into the Rick Taylor fire. I did insist that the order be re-set to put the right characters next up for their turn of beast the headwind then realised it was mad to make that move because Stephen Nelson was next man up. He wouldn't hit the front until after the Tour des High on Bikes Black Tag Deals when we got onto the road before the Farm, just as some idiot in a 4x4 barrelled through at around 60mph and nearly took the ride leader out! With this miscreant leading the Reject table we continued up the short incline near where half the world's dog population lives but the rain must have hushed them up is morning as we enjoyed a peaceful pedal all the way to Holmeswood, Leisure Lakes and the Tour des Detached Bungalows, in Mere Brow.

I DON'T DO OPEN WATER SWIM TRAINING EVERY DAY. BUT WHEN I DO, I CHEAT AND USE A BIKE

We weren't too far away from where Darren and the family enjoy the sounds of their Bechstein grand piano as this semi rural location is full of detached bungalows but it also has plenty of options for traffic free riding and we were determined to make the most of them as we were on the A565, a favourite average speed hunting road of mine, for all of ten seconds before a slow turn onto one of the 200 or so Meanygates in the area as a few stopped to remove rain capes in the name of stealing a few precious watts of energy to attack the leaders. It must have worked, since the tailwind assisted stretch gave some a real boost including first time A group rider Kim, who was referred to by John Mentalman Farrington as being more than ready for the A group. I know he would say everyone's brains should be ready for it even if it was Mr Blobby riding a s*** bike but she didn't need Cervelo R5 Man today to let her know just how well she was going as she took on the next few miles like a pro, even pulling away on resumption of play out of Tarleton over the weakened bridge to Bretherton. It was here that we turned onto the last part of the Southport CC time trial course and negotiated several massive puddles that could easily pass for miniature lakes to bring a wetsuit to. It was down to those of us who only ever make the legs ache and never run out of breath to shout out the size and exact dimensions of the huge expanses of water all over the road but these proved more than a little treacherous through to Much Hoole especially the ones on rolling back lanes where again my tendencies had me panicking at every sharp stone and every dip where water had collected lest there be a water filled pothole lurking. We were out of the area eventually only to nearly end up running a family of MTB riders over as we roared through a set of new build houses the sort of which I can see being put in somewhere like Bickerstaffe sometime in the near future. Finally, we reached more familiar fast roads for those of us who insist  on going everywhere as quickly as possible as we crossed a roundabout full of slow drivers to go into Hutton, past Booths and into Longton. The traffic at Booths looked even more impatient than the people who visit the Burscough store to steal off the reduced shelf (can't think who does that) and as such gave us a bit of a fright when they stuck their noses out a bit too far. We turned right immediately after the zebra crossing where Ribble R872 Man asked me if this really was A/B pace or steady A pace as he usually goes out with the B's. I'll let Pain Face interpret that one while he finishes off his pre Sunday dinner 8 hour turbo beast session (even though he was nowhere to be seen today) and carry on with how the ride went, which included a series of fairly familiar back roads through Whitestake until we were back out into the open as we approached the railway line.

IF YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST, YOU HAVE TO ROLL WITH THE BEST

It's always at around the halfway point of a ride when you can tell who's been getting the miles in and doing them as fast as possible. For was around the point of return home that the group started to come apart gradually beginning with the road over the train tracks and then the right turn at the garden centre for Midge Hall. Today's next step was to do the long stint alongside Stephen Nelson on the front and you might have thought him going to Belgium plus me not really being able to drink right now would even up the gap between him and the rest of the field but it was a real tough slog at over 20mph in the battle to reach the Texaco garage in one piece. Having said that Ste Francis is normally with us so anyone who is alongside me on the front always ends up as the second coming of Arnold Schwarzenegger anyway, they see someone who hasn't allowed himself a top tube bag to eat out of and go straight for him. Today, though, the new commitment to protecting my suspect balance and vertigo problems (in other words stop eating ready meals and no more than three drinks per week, not even in the Bierkeller) really did make a difference as for once it was possible to hold out, though not having Mr Pink Socks bullying everyone did make a difference. We reached the humpback bridge and, after another check on where everyone was, continued to Tincklers Lane, where the rain started to, yes you guessed it, tinkle down once more. Somehow we saved some breath to discuss events I plan to do (and what I was so happy to not be doing, as in the Wilmslow 10k this morning, don't think I'd get anywhere near the sub 37 time of last year in today's conditions) but the half ironman plan might just require a shift up to a tougher style of ride. And you know whose green Cannondale you'd see on those rides, at least when Tom Hanlon isn't snapping spokes..........We pushed on with our four piano playing hands (each) trying to point out the potholes in Mawdesley village but rather than turn for the cafe and replace all the lost calories we continued past the church and the Eagle and Child, whose open fire was so inviting today, but oh no it wasn't beer o'clock. Instead, we had to head for the Hoscar Moss, where I managed to run out of legs at just the perfect time. Why so happy that I lost? Well, let's just thank our Army Man from Ireland for that one..........

RINGS 1-800-GASKELL TO PUT TEAM GIANT TOGETHER - MAKE MINE A CANNONDALE THOUGH

As we reached the Hoscar bridge Rob, Dave, Tony and Trek Paul streamed past as the rain streamed into my eyelashes (getting ID'D a la Selena Gomez at the age of 32 has its disadvantages) and now I was spending 50% of my energy thinking how I'd hear about this later on the FB page and 50% wondering if I'd make it home in one piece. The first part was the sort of thing He Who Hates Madones would rip anyone for (just pedal until your legs break he said) but I might have had a point on the second half, because today's Reject award was about to be handed out. David Rodgers wanted to turn left for Newburgh (obviously he didn't think of the Stephen Nelson "go to the end then ride to Booths for a free coffee" idea) and swerved left just as Paul was trying to go straight on for the Ring O'Bells! Somehow they stayed upright because no wheels interlocked but what a comedy moment it was, it certainly gave me an energy injection and got me thinking about one of the 67 or so Gaskells you see in race result tables. He also rides a Giant and at last year's cross country season finale he crossed the line a minute after me with a cut lip, cue his girlfriend staring at me as if to say "what have you done now"..........Well here's a thought, why don't they team up for the 2-up duathlon in Belmont next year? You wouldn't want either of them running into you for sure. With two Cannondale aficionados doing the pace making then going their separate ways at the junction the remaining survivors pedalled up Dark Lane together with Cube Man who normally rides with HMCC but went out on his own this morning presumably to dodge the showers. Easier said than done methinks, but he still got a coffee in at Cedar Farm. Tony Harvey, our Southport Parkrun extraordinaire was now battling the disc Synapse out front and leading like a pro but with no wind up merchants shouting YOLO today we reached the top of Greetby as one group before making our way down the hill into the town where you now get to look at Christmas lights as standard for a whole month. I rode over the cobbles of the town centre nearly getting taken out by a kid who seemingly has a magnetic attraction to other bikes but one YOLO plunge down the La Cantina hill later I was home and in the bath before sitting down with sandwich and a reduced to 15p mini quiche while watching the Abu Dhabi Grand Prix where Valtteri Bottas showed the world why he can beat Lewis Hamilton and potentially keep the Finnish theme going at Ferrari once Kimi Raikkonen retires. After that it was off to Southport for a new phone charger and a trip round the Christmas market where the Greeks were out in force offering traditional souvlaki, as in a giant wrap with lamb, halloumi and salad plus mint sauce. What a fantastic second lunch and perfect with a cup of mulled wine. Come 4pm it was time to head home at the end of a cracking day out, I say let's keep the party going next week on the last day before I turn 33!

Now for the results, in association with Vodafone:

Distance: 76.8km
Time: 2:34:18
Average Speed: 29.86kmh
A group newcomers: 2
Stupid Drivers: 1
Rainstorms: at least half a dozen
Near-Crashes: 1
Beet It Bars eaten: 0
Star Performer of the Day: Kim for taking on the racers and beating The Strava Hunter to the A group
Post Ride Nutrition: 10/10 (Sandwich and quiche during the Grand Prix then souvlaki and mulled wine at the Southport market)

REJECT OF THE RIDE: David the Chicago Bear vs Paul the USPS Rider
(And you thought the idea of getting CHINOOK'D was scarier than the Grinch who stole Christmas)

See you all next week for the pre-birthday celebrations. Who knows we might even get such nice weather for an earlier starting group doing more miles into the middle of nowhere. No prizes for guessing who would get the lit candles at the cafe stop then........