A is for Australia, Ashton-in-Makerfield and Angelina the Ace

It was a perfect morning today at HMCC HQ with two turnouts, one at 8am and the usual an hour later. For once I chose to join the 312 crew as they made their way to the Cat and Fiddle for a 115 mile jaunt into the middle of nowhere while their gym beast extroadinaire stayed in bed and watched the Australian Grand Prix having had a few too many vodkas. However I needed to be back for 11am so decided to join them and do the job of Ste Francis where possible before doubling back to Ormskirk for what turned out to be the biggest story of the day. Darren, who penned the route, led us out of town, beginning with the run past Edge Hill.

THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER PAY FULL PRICE

I set off on the right side of row 3 next to Emma who's apparently been on her summer bike for quite a while. For my part the GP4000s on my Fulcrum wheels are nearly dead and lose pressure over two days so I did the sensible thing, chose the Mavic Cosmic Carbone SLS specials and put thick winter tyres on so I wouldn't blow my teammate's chances of glory in Darwen because of a burst tyre leaving me stranded on the A570. We turned right at the Stanley Gate then left for Bickerstaffe, where the paddock (as in football club) was overrun by bikes being readied for the first big Bickerstaffe bash of 2018. From here we turned onto the TT course and got up a nice turn of speed as we waved at a large group coming the other way but that didn't stop Volkswagen Man trying to squeeze me into Emma and Stephen just as we approached the Holdi roundabout. With this idiot well up the standings for the reject award we steadied our nerves on the way towards John Collins' favourite open mic night venue but the one who was in need as per the Liam Gallagher masterpiece was Stephen. We didn't hear him shout that he had a puncture but a piece of glass had pierced his Schwalbe Durano tyre which he'd only just bought. A bit like the Maxxis Detonators I nabbed yesterday in Chester (now for the results brought to you by........) but I got my latest rubber for £5 a tyre in a closing down sale. This led to a long stop while his first canister smoked away like an improvised explosive device and it took an age to get the tyre seated. I didn't time the puncture stop but it was probably enough for today's true star to perform for 10 minutes and do two encores including a rendition of O Mio Babbino Caro so we allowed our fingers to warm through and indeed I was regretting using a long sleeve base layer as the mercury rose. Eventually we got going again, into Rainford itself and past Higher Lane as we left the village behind and headed towards the junction for Shaley Brow. Needless to say, the Fiddle is more than enough on its own so we did the sensible thing and took the route through Kings Moss, only slowing for a moment at the roadworks where no one was coming the other way. So we bombed it through and reached "Emma's Corner" pretty quickly. By now I was one place away from being on the front and we were on our way towards Ashton in Makerfield so you could almost smell the burning rubber from that go kart track I used to win at. When I weighed less than Lewis Hamilton, of course. Anyway, I slotted into Row 1 alongside newbie Grant from Scotland who looked very assured on his Ribble bike (apparently he's after another machine, Matt I can see another Cervelo sale coming up). We hit out on the front through the myriad of potholes en route to Golborne just as elegantly as the moped rider whose engine sounded like a Three Sisters Honda 4-stroke from years gone by. I was planning on heading back when the clock went into the red (as in past 9:30) but the early holdup put this into context so I could enjoy a quick crossing of the East Lancs and a bit of the road for Culcheth before turning round and leaving the group to it. And what a day it would prove to be.

I THINK THAT'S THE DARWEN JINX BURIED ONCE AND FOR ALL

It wasn't long before I was back on the East Lancs heading west from Leigh where I spotted a few interesting characters including the St Helens Tri cross country champion Michael Forber out on a 35 mile hashtag beastmode run up the cycle track, Jeanette and Andy Fisher at Windle Island and a bizzie van who was less than amused that I tried to wave at them on the left while turning right for the A570. It was tough going on deadly slow tyres into the wind so I kept playing the new Sigala/Paloma Faith tune in my head (Sigala's best since Sweet Lovin') and used this to power me up the dual carriageway at a typically average 20mph, until a dangerous red Yaris driver (yes you spotted the irony) forced his way alongside me at the Holdi roundabout but rather than watch the Bickerstaffe road race I continued into the wind towards the M58, dropping to a very unsatisfactory 18mph as I reached the underpass. The road past the Sandpiper brought a little light relief and I got to enjoy one last YOLO past Edge Hill which, as we all know, is faster into the wind than with the tailwind once you end up too heavy to drive a Formula 1 car. I reached Ormskirk before the traffic got too busy and reached home having covered 60km, just what you need to kick start the spring season, then I was in and out of the bath quicker than ever and eating two reduced to 25p (for a pack of 6) maple pancakes with Nutella to fuel me for the next mission, the drive to the Duel in Darwen.

Many years ago I did the triathlon here when the run took you to the top of the tower. However, a real chance of a top 10 was ruined because my pedals fell out, one in Belmont Village, the other 800 metres from transition. So I was mindful of that as I joined Angelina for her Rotary Young Musician semi-final, but not before the stewards asked me if I was one of the competitors (the competition goes up to the age of 19, how am I going to be allowed into Reminisce festival in September; young enough to get ID'D, old enough to remember Kelly Llorenna........) Doris the tea lady then managed to lose the lid of the orange juice container and cover my shoes in sticky stuff (having polished them this morning) and now I was wondering if the jinx had returned. But not this time, it'll be "Flower of Southport" across the Scottish border on 19 May because with a remarkable performance, Angelina won the semi final and we're off to Edinburgh in a few weeks' time to compete for the national championship! What a way to round off a memorable weekend for various reasons. Now let's get some more miles in the bag before the long trip north!

Now for the results, brought to you by the soon-to-be-closed 69 Cycles:

Distance: 60.64km
Time: 1:56:06
Average Speed: 31.34kmh
Dead Inner Tubes: 1
Explosives: 1 gas canister
Crazy Motorists: 2
St Helens Tri teammates: 3
Next grand plan: Finding a triathlon on Sunday 20 May in the Scottish Borders

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Blue Volkswagen Man
(Obviously he was desperate to vacate the road race course)

DUNCE OF THE DAY: Doris the tea lady
(Imagine if I'd got us DQ'D for stained shoes, lucky for me there was kitchen roll nearby)

See you all next week for the Easter special. When you're in such a good mood, even the Steve Depport usual "up Hunter's, down Hunter's x5 YOLO doesn't seem so scary..........