A for Appley Bridge, B for Belmont, C for Cider

We had a near perfect morning today with around 80 riders at the shop ready for the 9:10 start. There was a huge choice of rides on offer with multiple B group offerings including a flat run to Southport and Inder's ride to the mast. Meanwhile, Steve Kernigan would take an A group ride with about 16 riders over Belmont to slay the steep cliff face that always proves so topical in the run up to the Lancashire Lanes. His group would be next to last to set off, beginning with Dark Lane.

NOT EXACTLY EASY BEING GREEN NOW, THEN

I slotted in on the left side of Row 2 as we began the first few mies out of town. The computer was taking an age to switch on so it was hard to log stats early doors, but once up and running we were logging average speeds of around 20mph on our way through the twists and turns of Dark Lane en route to the Hoscar Moss. Upon reaching the Ring O'Bells I thought of the usual "beat the train" effort over the railway line but instead we would turn right for a round of Hors Cat Cobbles, where afew choice comments about me changing DOWN a gear were actually heard. No, you weren't seeing stars, it really was necessary so as not to have to use hashtag bulkup mode to force a way over the bridge. After a brief traffic hold up we turned left then right for the Beacon where we only went as far as Lees Lane before going left through the woods just as a Daewoo driver forced their way through in. "I'm not stopping for anyone" mode. I was near the frnt when this happened so at least got through without a near miss though there was plenty of scrambling further down the order. We continued towards Appley Bridge and the Endurance Store "Finish Hell" but rather than go all the way to the shop we turned right after the station towards the Col de Water Pumping Station where the usual hashtag domination performances came from the usual suspects and I got to talk Cube Disc Bikes with Ian who's just got a new summer rocket to play with. Almost as good as a black and green Focus Chrono Max, but you knew that anyway. There were a few shouts towards Gareth to go steady on the front here which can only mean there'll be A minus, A plus and A star groups soon, but we were up to Wiggo Corner pretty sharpish and crossing the M6 just as someone's pump came off. This led to some rolling recovery (as in YOU WILL NOT STOP) all the way through Standish during which time I felt a sharp headache knocking at my forehead; come on is one Corona really enough to kill my Sunday fights? Oh the price of success...........We turned underneath the railway bridge past the pub and then right for Haigh Hall; quite why some suggested to go through the golf club here is anyone's guess, especially as I had Kingy (I mean Darren) alongside me for the ascent. He was mighty miffed when the red light at the top stopped us from attacking and even more so when some dropped off the back but soon the call came to park up for an impromptu piss stop, and to pln the next stage up to Belmont.

THAT'S WHY HILLCLIMB RACING WILL NEVER CATCH ON

It wasn't actually a hillclimb up next, rather the gradual descent towards Little Scotland, but I'd insisted on taking over the front just to be hashtag hardman and held station all the way through to Rivington despite Hodgy's observations about the use of long socks - yes it is that time of year when it's not quite shorts weather, but not tights time either. We were stopped just before a crossroads by the world's most nervous horse who did a complete 180 in front of us even though me and Darren were leading at under 10mph! With our four legged friend having taken home the Reject award for the day we could concentrate on dodging walkers and people seemingly falling out of trees before the reservoir road which led us into Rivington, where the start of the BIG ONE loomed large. Darren and Gareth went for it early but while Gareth couldn't sustain his challenge, John Hill tried everything to deny Darren honours at the summit. However, every time he tried a move Darren was seemingly able to laugh and inject more pain at the same time. Meanwhile I was losing out to London Marathon Man Tony for third place, eventually cresting the top of the climb in 4th ahead of Gareth who in turn was a country mile ahead of the opposition. We parked at the foot of the descent despite my best efforts to do a Kev Murphy on the gravel just after the summit (did I mention he was on the ride, or at least until this point) but we got to cheer on some Darwen half marathon runners and even an old chap riding an S-Works mountain bike! Eventually we were good to go up the road towards Abbey Village. Now normally this road is easy going post Belmont, but that would be without counting on the myriad of motorbikes, or indeed the plethora of potholes..........

BUY CONTINENTAL TYRES THEY SAID. IT WILL MAKE YOU FASTER THEY SAID

After getting a chain of three motorbikes off our tails through the initial S-bends we concentrated on the long straight road past the Tockholes turnoff into Abbey Village. It was shortly after this, as we began the long climb to the terraced houses, that the dreaded DOUBLE PUNCTURE happened. And toray's most unlucky victim was our comeback man Gareth and his Michelin Pro 4 tyres. He was very fortunate that my running watch is awaiting a new battery because this was a parkup for the ages, indeed Ian Hampson commented on what a sit-off you get to enjoy on A group rides and we also saw David Jackson fly past on what looked like a Pinarello while I mused on the virtues of the Continental tyres found at my sponsor's warehouse. After an eternity Gareth was rolling once more, just as the descent towards the M65 roundabout came into view, which as always led us to Riley Green and Brindle. This passage of play was pretty uneventful apart from John and Darren's choice comments about contesting yet another sprint but the real fun began after the church, where it's generally downhill for quite some time and this always leads to a few nervous moments even when a bee doesn't commit suicide by slamming into your mouth. Obviously it misjudged the moment to sting me as it left no mark whatsoever but it wasn't a particularly good time to smack me in the jaw as I was concentrating on the bumpy descent towards Shaw Brow where we realised a few were off the back. We had to get everyone together as the Dawsons Lane stretch always marks the beginning of the "BEAST YOURSELF" segment all the way home even when waving to your young fans at the Buckshaw Village T-Junction. We went straight over the next intersection for Runshaw College where we overtook another HMCC group on the run towards Flag Lane and I started shouting "EFFORT" to push everyone along harder. The pace cooled somewhat through Midge Hall, but we kicked on again through to Eccleston where some turned off leaving the rest of us to the beast session through Mawdesley, and the run home.

TOO MUCH WEIGHT THROUGH THOSE CLEATS METHINKS

As I took over alongside John out front I got really angry about only doing 22mph and started forcing the issue even though it was proving increasingly difficult to do on my first ride back in a while. Only trouble was, a cleat bolt was coming loose and causing my foot to come out of the pedal. So after clearing the Mawdesley minefield I turned right with a few others for Rufford only to find they weren't stopping. I took the opportunity to grab a quick hot chocolate and coffee Renoir cake so I could tighten the cleat up and stop it falling out and then I could join Ralph's group down Curlew Lane, which was full of walkers today. Upon reaching Brandreth Barn I joined Martin Collier out front, who showed some real man-up attitude in both hammering the pace on the front and planning on going to Lathom for the Ship Inn beer festival. He turned off for Burscough leaving the rest of us to ride into Ormskirk for a quick change around before heading to Lathom to enjoy chicken kebabs and various real ales and ciders in good company which are currently giving me a massive headache not least because I fell asleep in my chair and had the back of my head pressed against a wall..........All said, though, a great day out featuring a legendary climb and some top efforts on the front.

Now for the results, brought to you by the Ship Inn, Lathom:
Distance: 85.7km
Time: 2:57:43
Average Speed: 28.93kmh
Horses: 4
Dead Inner Tubes: 2
Money Spent Today: don't want to think about it

REJECT OF THE RIDE: The horse just before Rivington

(I wouldn't put any money on that one for next Saturday)

See you all next week for another great ride. Maybe it gets so warm we can ditch the long socks?