A for Anglezarke, B for Beanz on Toast, C for Cipollini

Another perfect morning attracted around 40 riders to the shop with just as many riding the Lancashire Lanes or the Fred Whitton Challenge. As such we had three groups with Matt leading the C for Cipollini ride while Simon took an A/B ride round the coast, amazingly including Ste Francis. It took me quite a few minutes to get over the shock that he wouldn't be barking orders for 5 miles on the front each but in the end Steve Depport took the A group out towards Rivington and Anglezarke. We set off first, beginning with Dark Lane.

HOW TO SHEAR SECONDS OFF YOUR TT TIME: BUY VITTORIA TUBZ AND STRETCH THOSE ARMS OUT

I began on the right side of Row 4 next to Ian Gallagher who also loves Matt's premier brand of Italian handcrafted bikes. The pace was fairly sedate going up Greetby Hill but we were soon into it as we sped up on Dark Lane, passing a couple of solo cyclists and one runner who must be delighted to know that one of the group of cyclists he saw at 9:10am today has entered the London Marathon ballot. And to now have the biggest running club in Merseyside behind you from the greatest city in the world.........you can't buy that. But you can certainly buy good wheels and tyres, and Danny Shearer was putting his Vittoria Corsas to good use over the bumps at the petrol station while those of us on painfully thin 25's (Mavics) prayed for good grip over the myriad of potholes. We got lucky and continued over the railway line despite a bit of pinching for space between parked cars and vehicles coming the other way and it was at the bridge crossing that we'd reached the first handover point for the front, so now it was up to Row 2 for me as we weaved our way through the roads leading to the Eagle and Child. I did notice how far out some arms were stretched in the act of signalling right and at least one was nearly taken out by a white van, but for once it wasn't me. We had a bit of splintering at the pub itself as some didn't quite make the turn properly but soon after turning left for Mawdesley it was the rugby fans' turn to crank the pace up as me and David Rodgers led the third stint. During this passage of play it was notable how well everyone had warmed up and that the whole group was going very well indeed, in fact almost too well as we were lucky not to rear-end a turning car just after the nursing home. When we reached Eccleston we bucked the rent trend and went straight on twice, first at the roundabout (Doctor's Lane EPO drop off point) the over the main road for the twisty back roads to the A49. This was a right battle royal to keep the pace sufficiently high while not taking each other out because the tree canopies and the shadows made seeing potholes very difficult, so perhaps for the first time everyone was pretty happy to have two Specialized riders on the front. Despite some very drift-like cornering from yours truly, we passed two bimblers just before the junction for turning left onto the A49 and the plunge down the descent followed by the quick turn at the traffic lights had us onto yet another rarely-seen road, as we prepared to tackle Part 2: the Cops and Robbers Show.

COVER YOUR EYES LADIES, NOTHING TO SEE HERE APART FROM #GAINZ (#AWKWARD)

For once, we took the central route through pretty much the whole of Chorley past the retail parks and towards a sign showing us the way to Rivington. It was only after we'd gone straight on at something like the 15th straight roundabout and overtaken one of many ladies out on bikes today that I realised we were in Adington. So we assumed that we were in the middle of an Ironman rehearsal day (you know by now I don't do any training, I call it rehearsing) and set off at the lights up the drag to the bridge. During this ascent we overtook two more female riders, one wearing an Epic Cycles jersey. It was upon cresting the top of the rise that a spectacularly badly timed call came for a piss stop - just as said ladies from before came past again. Some of the older riders probably thought this was funny but I found it extremely awkward not least because the Peroni from last night's after gig party at the Philharmonic pub (now for the results.........) had worn off and my hydration levels were starting to return to something a bit better than mediocre. Eventually we got the bikes out of the bushes, policeman Steve Kernigan having pulled over rather earlier (good call that) and set off for Rivington only to have to deal with both an overly aggressive motorbike and three horses, one of which was particularly nervous. As such we were only too happy to re-pass the solo lady rider from earlier who I'm guessing might well have been a triathlete, but I did the professional thing and decided to exert my breath on chasing Danny Shearer rather than talking to anyone in particular as we reached the left hand turn-off for Anglezarke. In a major surprise, I actually found it perfectly doable to attack the technical descent to the reservoir road despite the presence of a few fast motorists and this put me in good position for the main climb of the day. I overtook Mark Titchener but Rob Shirley simply couldn't be caught, though the Phoenix rider (in tights no less) would probably have defeated both of us had he not stopped to take pictures at the car park. So it was left to two people with the same name to lock up the 1-2 at the top of the climb before beginning the dreaded descent. The last time I came down here was January 2017 after the Triathlon England awards when I was seriously under the influence of meat, dairy and alcohol. The latter I can't really do without, but I've given up the first two and what a difference that would make (though the clear track ahead also helped) and I reached the White Coppice turn-off nicely at the head of the field, as not even the horses coming the other way could give us a nasty surprise. I took the opportunity to eat a cocoa NAKD bar (no dairy here either) and chatted to Phoenix Man and Mark le Titch about watts and macros. In other words, trying to do Charlotte's job for the day. Eventually the group reformed and we turned right for White Coppice itself with a view to returning home via Whittle-le-Woods.

HOW TO MAKE CHINOOK PANIC: BURY HIM IN DIRTY AIR AND DIG THE ROAD UP

It's fair to say that the Fred Whitton Challenge, mastered so brilliantly by Stephen Nelson today, has a bit to answer for. Not only is it the challenge John Farrington wanted to do aboard a fat bike (#banned), but it was that race (sorry sportive) last year when I hit the pothole in Boot and suffered the crash which wrecked both my thermoregulation and my balance, though the latter is now much better. And such hazards would definitely define the next part of the ride as we were trending downhill towards Whittle-le-Woods with me stuck on the left of row 5 praying for a lifeline with super narrow 25mm Mavics to play with. I was mighty relieved when we were out of the endless canopy of trees and on the way to Shaw Brow. After all, it may be all about the beast inside you but while you can't win the 30-34 age group at the Nantwich triathlon on a club ride one week earlier you can lose it. We escaped onto the A6 briefly with the back of the group slowly dropping away so it wasn't the usual beast mode on moment went we hit Dawsons Lane, rather a steady upping of the pace all the way to the Tesco at the west end of Leyland, where we spotted Giant Propel Man turning left for Runshaw College on his tri bars as he looks to beat John Farrington's legend status on 15 July in Bolton town centre. Once out of Leyland we turned our attentions to Bretherton and now I was back on row 3 alongside Steve Depport, and we got into a good discussion about people measuring their food intake. Quite unlike the England players in the "Do I Not Like That" documentary I watched the other day who ate kebabs for breakfast, but then again even I've learned my lesson now. This would prove critical once I got alongside the best HMCC rider never to do the 312, namely David Rodgers who was certainly happy with the result of the European Rugby Cup final from yesterday. What is it with French kickers missing critical penalties and field goals? We didn't miss a beat though, as we turned left for Croston when right and into Tarleton would have been a better chance to kill off Mr 6,000 Calories A Day. But Twin Lakes and a chance to witness history wasn't far away, so I turned off at our new favourite cafe and joined the C group where I was about to get a major surprise.

"MATT WOULDN'T HAVE A CAFE STOP IF"............OH HANG ON CAN YOU USE YOUR BOOTHS CARD HERE NOW?

I turned into the driveway and sat down with the clock ticking past 11:30, spotting Les, Keith and Kev Bellion on one outside table. I went in and ordered beanz on toast plus San Pellegrino Limonata. Now this was a great a deal for a fiver and even better when you consider that Pizza Express charge £2.65 just for the drink (one can no less, my pint of Peroni in the Philharmonic pub was cheaper per 100ml) but no sooner had I ordered than Matt arrived with the C group, and his Cipollini "THE ONE" bike. It's a seriously stunning steed and everyone wanted to ask questions about it, so it was just as well I downed my first lunch and got myself ready to go so I could take some pictures (including selfies) and quiver a little about the plan for the route back, which would include the metal bridge.

We left the cafe just after noon and I set off alongside Pam. The first part was the leafy undergrowth of Bretherton followed by the gravelly back road to said bridge; it certainly made sense later when Matt mentioned that he hardly ever sells 23mm tyres other than to owners of Focus TT bikes. Green Lane and its road ridges had me all over the place like a beginner so I was more than happy to reach terra firma in the form of the road through Holmeswood where we turned right for the Farmers Arms, and here we dodged the canal bridge because it was blocked by the world's slowest form of transport (other than Kev Murphy on a fat bike). In other words, a boat. So we turned right for the Martin Inn despite the best efforts of a late braking motorist to overshoot the corner and knock me off, and from here it was a straightforward run past High on Bikes, down the side of Hurlston Hall and past the Kicking Donkey where we all went our separate ways to finish another glorious summer ride. 52 miles in the bag, just what was needed before a massive weekend coming up north and south of the border!

Now for the results, brought to you by last night's boozer, the Philharmonic Pub:

Distance: 83.33km
Time: 3:03:05
Average Speed: 27.31kmh
Hors Cat Climbs: 1
Horses: 7
Motorbikes: 1
Shocking Moments: 2 (Ste not riding with the A group plus Matt at the cafe)
Post Ride/Pre Nantwich Hydration: 2 pints of orange and soda watching BOOM TIMES FOUR at Anfield

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Anyone on Rivington reservoir bridge around 10:30am
(That's the HMCC A group for the awkward piss stop, the wobbly horses and the speeding motorbike)

Enjoy your ride next week, I won't be there as it's one huge weekend. National young musician final in Edinburgh on the Saturday and the Nantwich Triathlon on the Sunday while the world's eyes are on the north west for what promises to be a huge race round the streets of Manchester. I'm literally buzzing right now, how about you?