A is for Abbey Dash Americano

The curious case of the 5 groups continued at the shop as around 50 people gathered for the 9am start. Mick introduced the rides in traditional IWD fashion (before you ask, it only took me two minutes to get the summer bike ready) and we split into the different groups. The D group went to some local place called Aughton, the B and C rides went for a few lumps while Steve Depport led what looked like a 35-strong Race group and John Pout took an army of seven out towards Tockholes to avoid the Firefighters 2-up Duathlon and the Roddlesworth Roller multi terrain running race. John set off third, beginning with a crack at Dark Lane.

THE FLOODS ARE OVER, NO SAND BAGS ALLOWED HERE

I set off at the back of the group as Mark le Titch set the opening tempo. We had to nearly stop at the temporary roadworks on the Greetby descent but once we'd cleared that we were free to go for it on the road towards the Hoscar Moss. Once at the double junction we cleared the bridge with minimal fuss, only to hear a few choice comments after the railway line about how slow they felt (too many beers after the Liverpool win yesterday?) and how the false flat to the Eagle and Child feels like Shaley. You know, one day I might just end up finding an A grouper with the same colour commentary abilities as me.......Anyway we stayed ahead of a horse box on the northwards run to Mawdesley, where we were delighted to set off the 20mph speed camera, and chased Mark and his innate descending skills through the right-left chicane prior to the farm which sells chickens and eggs. Not sure which way round - and do they offer any vegan options? - but one thing was sure, we got a bit of neutral support from an old lady waving at us, just perfect for IWD (she must have known we were coming past). Eventually we changed the front runners as we entered Eccleston, which set us up nicely for Catch the Claud Butler in part 2.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID "A-SLOW" NOT "A-FLAT", MARK?

Now positioned on the right side of row 2, I had an armchair view of the next bit of fun and games. We were speeding along well towards the hump back bridge when a yellow jacket appeared in front of us. I thought it might be the type John Faz regularly comes across during the 45 weeks of the year when he's living it up in the United States of Europe but actually it was a very purposeful rider powering a Claud Butler flat bar road bike - some effort that and he was probably pushing out more watts than me (actually the strength isn't the problem, but more on that later) He didn't quite stay with us as we passed "Credit Crunch Busters MOT" on the way to Runshaw College. However, he might well have gone past us again during the next passage of play. I noticed that the rear end of the bike felt a bit soft despite me jacking the tyres to 115 before the ride and sure enough, another ride, another puncture it was. Mark's later assertion that the ride was A Flat rather than A Sharp was probably a reference to how the rear tyre has rounded off but for now I was more preoccupied with forcing a sharp stone out of the tread. It held up remarkably well without a boot in it but I think that given these are the original tyres from wheels bought 2 years ago it's probably time for something new. The Specialized mini pump (burgled from the TT bike to allow me to do the ride) worked a treat on the new inner tube and with Lawrence having sorgeda wheel alignment issue (must be a disc brake thing) I was happy to be off and running across the grand junction at the BP garage, whereupon we turned left for Whittle-le-Woods, now with me out front accompanied by Paul AKA "Carm on Chinook" who'll always say that even if I was going 30mph into the wind. We still had the wind at our backs as we crossed the A6 and descended towards the next assignem, Top Locks followed by Brindle.

A FEW WATTS AND A PR CONTRACT WON'T SAVE YOU FROM IDIOT DRIVERS

The long, slow drag towards the pub at Top Locks is always a bit of a teaser, as you don't see the turn off until you're on it, yet you're always mentally thinking "but I didn't quite go all the way" As such it's only fitting that it is followed by quite a hairy descent across a gravelly bridge but everyone stayed upright and we joined the climb for Top O' the Hill Lane just as Sensa Man joined us for a bit, complete with Limar 007 helmet. Long before I was signed up at EKA agency I was a brand ambassador for this helmet company and I relayed s take to matey-boy about the time I was at the triathlon show in Manchester ready for the fitting and photo.......and couldn't get the TT helmet on (insert your own jokes here) so I ended up with a 007. Nowadays I'm happier using the Limar just for racing and riding most of the time with a yellow helmet called Neon Naomi. Obviously the reduced watts required made all the difference as Sensa Man escaped on the descent, but I had enough of a lead over the others to stuff down me the last Booths Boom Counter hot cross bun - vegan, with peanut butter no less. This energy surge was well timed but the sun was well and truly out and it was actually very toasty being wrapped in three layers, so I was now more concerned about overheating and losing flow to the legs. Naturally, this meant I was soon back on the front trying not to cough up the bun, while also matching JP's spin class honed power (remember SMHBYWI? Well it's worked for him) and it was s bit of a fight to get out front on the A675 towards Abbey Village even before a white car nearly clipped my handlebars in the act of overtaking.......AFTER I'd gone single file. Some people, honestly. With our resident noob having taken the Reject award from my rear tyre we continued to the Brinscall turn off just as the Roddlesworth Roller runners came past, including one I recognised from Penny Lane Striders (the club where I'm actually in the Race Group not just sitting behind them). After a brief regroup, we got going again only to nearly be taken out by a learner driver who just had to split the group up! I actually hope that was the learner themselves, as they probably don't have much experience yet. If it was the business owner, well, seriously.........Anyway JP had made a big move on the descent and held position all the way to the summit at the crossroads despite the three pronged attack of me, Wilko and Paul trying to reel him in. We turned left as usual to reach the top of the climb before descending to the A674, where we started to contemplate the best way to get home while dodging the worst of the wind.

NOT SURE IF "HERE KITTY KITTY" OR "HERE CHICKY CHICKY"

It must be said that JP did a grand job of taking us through Wheelton to dodge the worst exposed roads (but not the little white kitten) and we turned left at the garage before a short rise to the junction where right takes you down a long, lovely descent with bloody traffic lights at the bottom. Sods law, they turned to red as we got there only to switch back to green as we almost stopped. So that's how Merlin sell their Sensa bikes (matey-boy from earlier had one with discs and six inch wide tyres). We rode past the soon to be vegan-optioned Domino's (why do pizza bases have to have egg in them anyway) and having cleared the Merlin complex we turned left over the bridge then right at the lights before another sharp left onto a back road which eventually brought us onto the A49. A novel route, indeed. We plunged the descent before turning right across a mini river onto Back Lane only to nearly be wiped out en masse by an idiot Mondeo driver who forgot they had wing mirrors and we had handlebars - imagine if Stephen Nelson had been with us on his flared drops? We were relieved to reach Eccleston once more where the decision was made to go through Mawdesley once more, with a coffee stop at the Owd Barn.

VEGAN AMERICANO? NO CRY-ING OVER SOYA MILK (BUT WHERE'S MY CAKE)

We set off past the Mawdesley Health Club which appears to be replacing the old eating house and hotel and started to really stretch the elastic on Howard Walker's old favourite SMHBYWI segment through the village to the Red Lion pub/pizza takeaway, but rather than ride to the Eagle and Child for a real ale we turned sharp right at a slightly dodgy junction and went down a back road which brought us out at the Owd Barn. I've never been here before but it seems like quite a quaint cafe - if you get a place in the queue. The feeding of the 5,000 was in full swing as someone seemed to be ordering 142 mint choc chip ice creams. I'm sure Timothy McVeigh, the Oklahoma bomber, would have approved given his last meal was two pints of the green stuff but this rather got in our way when it came to ordering our five Americanos, one with soya milk (wonder who that was) and a teacake and carrot cake, both of which were off limits for me. Part of the discussion was about heart screening including the one at Cardiac Risk in the Young, who did mine 12 months ago when I found out about the sick heart valve which doesn't work properly when recovering. Think of it like a gas pedal in a car; you take your foot off and the car doesn't slow down How scary is that? At long last I think everyone knows why I've so often resorted to the BFG (Big F***ing Gear) because I'll frequently do a torture run on Saturdays before breakfast and my heart will be warped for a long time afterwards; I still remember the time when I was out late at the Penny Lane Striders awards, ran 5 beast mode miles the next morning, then went to listen in on a rehearsal for the Liverpool Philharmonic Youth Choir in the afternoon. I fell asleep in the "box" from heart exhaustion but felt like a billion dollars upon waking! Just as well my agent doesn't like me drinking much alcohol then isn't it? Anyway, after trying to engineer a Kask helmet purchase from Matt (sorry mate my head isn't a good fit, Wilko wears it much better anyway) we set sail for home via the Hoscar Moss.

We were straight into it on the return home; into the wind and with my system struggling to get going, this was a nightmare. I simply aimed for the left side of the formation as much as I could, but I did think about joining the slower riders parked up just after the railway line. Mark turned left at Newburgh, Wilko and JP continued straight for Lathom, and me and Lawrence were left to struggle into the wind all the way to Aughton. During these final few miles Lawrence remarked how long the ride had been; my sugar levels were in danger of going through the floor and I was mighty relieved to reach the co-op as I only had one more mile to go. Eventually, with my eyeballs bouncing around and my legs starting to shake I decided to get the agony over and done with, just launch up the hill and be done with it, eventually parking up with 53 miles in the bag before enjoying a great afternoon of sport watching both France and Manchester City lose. Many thanks to JP for crafting a route with options to help us get home, maybe one day I'll turn up with a heart that isn't burned out and I can get after the headwinds properly......

Now for the results, brought to you by the Owd Barn:

Distance: 85.28km
Time: 3:06:40
Average Speed: 27.41kmh
Dead Inner Tubes: 1
Sunday Drivers: 2
Pets: 3, two dogs and a cat
Valves Burned: None on inner tubes, just one inside me
Post Ride Nutrition: Moroccan couscous, a pear, two vanilla custard donuts and a Sci-tec protein shake

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Mondeo Man
(That took something to beat the idiot on the A675 and my rear tyre)

Enjoy your ride next week, I won't be there as I'm JP'ing in Liverpool. Good luck to anyone doing early season races, and maybe see you early doors in the fan enclosure at the Parbold Duathlon?