S is for Steak-Out Sizzler at St Annes

Round 3 of my hitherto disruptive 2016 race season had me up rather later than usual for the Fylde Tri-Logy series event at St Annes this morning. I decided against a McD's/Subway stop in favour of relying on my stash of Tesco Granola Squares (4 for a quid, by 10 packs tomorrow while they're on offer and put them in the fridge to get you round the Roman Road next week). I parked up in a little side road next to Apple Bikes just before 10am and went to the pool to support teammate Adele Fisher who was taking part in her first ever triathlon for the Black and Red. She was also on a Cannondale - a CAAD8 of a few years' vintage to be precise - and I joined the St Helens Tri fanbase as she set off at 10:20. You couldn’t help but notice just how warm it was in there; I was only too happy to have a 500ml water bottle with me but I ended up drinking the lot during my warm-up and the briefing which would make for quite a toxic combination with two granola slices sitting my stomach, but for the race briefing and the "pass the parcel" episode with the swim caps at poolside it didn't look as though this would be a problem. I would get a clear track - or pool lane - ahead of me as the two ladies behind me was good friends. Only trouble was, one had seriously improved on her 8:30 400m prediction while the other was a far faster swimmer who wanted to join her friend in the same group. This Blockbusters-style two-versus-one scenario would make for a very chaotic first stanza indeed. And before you ask, no I didn't need a P either.

My own swim was quite consistent for once and going up the pool on length 3 I thought I had a sub-8 time in hand, but approaching the wall the white cap overtook me. I thought it best to stay as close as possible but her mate also went past at the end of length 6, leaving me to not only battle mentally with the issue of being CHICKED twice but also with a pair of goggles that were letting in more water than the titanic. At least the water was a similar temperature to the hot air so there would be no icebergs to run into, but I was only too happy to launch myself out of the pool and put some old shoes on to get me from the leisure centre to my bike. I', not really sure what the plans were here, as normally you have to "spiral" round the pitlane so as the people nearest to "BIKE OUT" don't get an unfair advantage but alas, I had quite a way to go down the bike racks before putting on Catlike, NO PINZ and my bike shoes. Finally, after a bit of faffing with the shoe straps, I could run to the mount line, show off my newly perfected clip-in technique and head up the starting ramp for three laps of the inner promenade, with the first segment featuring a strong headwind.

That first turnaround point was a real eye-opener, I think the hordes in Southport with their giant-sized roundabouts had it somewhat easier than we did, but upon leaving the hairpin I nestled down on the Prologo TT saddle I acquired from the Bicycle Lounge the other day and felt properly attached to the bike like never before. It's fair to say the ISM Adamo, while having plenty of merits, is far, far too slippery for those of us who like a steep seat tube angle, and that this textured Prologo special really does stop you feeling as though you're "running while on the bike". After all if you wanted to run for 30-90 minutes, surely you'd go to Leicester in October wouldn't you. Oh hang on a minute........Well I certainly wasn't hanging around as I passed Adele standing near the start/finish line; she was with Wayne taking photos as fast as they possibly could. Indeed I reached speed of up to 30mph on the easterly run to the turnaround point, which came on me very suddenly as I thought we had to look for playing fields but instead the braking surface of the Cosmic Carbone SLS surely lost about 6 months of its life as I slammed on and threw the bike round the rather wider east end hairpin turn. As I headed back into the headwind though, a metaphorical dark cloud appeared in the distance; an ambulance was attending to a severely injured rider who had ran into the back of a parked car. I'm not quite sure what a parked car was doing on the course in the first place nor do I understand how such a move was made by the rider, but it was only after the race we found out that he was conscious and talking to the medical team. We wish him well with his recovery. For my part, I was now struggling to go much over 20mph but was still overtaking bikes aplenty, including Grumpy Dolan L'Etape Man who grunted "Huh, WHAT" as I shouted "RIGHT SIDE" on my way past. Let's be honest, he really wants the Holy TRINITY owned by Chris Green doesn't he? Jealousy, indeed........The second lap was another breeze going east to the wide hairpin and another hard slog on the way back to the pitlane, only this time we got some real dark clouds overhead which started dropping a few spits of rain onto the course; with slippery sand patches on the outside of the right-hander before the headwind hairpin, the last thing we wanted was an unpredictable lean into the corners on 22mm Veloflex Record tyres. Two laps down, one more to go; this would be the toughest of the three as traffic-build up and the escalation of the medical emergency at the roadside made for some very narrow overtaking corridors and I actually reached T2 in a mini-bunch featuring Boardman Man - who nearly got CHINOOK'D under braking for the dismount line - and Trek Madone Man (Chris Holden nowhere to be seen though), who it turned out was right next to me in transition. This made for a real comedy moment as we ended up on the right side of the barrier - for EACH OTHER'S SHOES. I simply said "just because my shoes are better than yours" which left him to think "I'll let him get a few seconds on me and then do the thing he can't do, SPRINT". It wouldn't work like that - but neither would it be plain sailing either.

As we began the run a couple of miniature dogs starting plaguing the course and forcing me and my rival to use the sand to avoid a DNF: Bitten On Ankle scenario unfolding. This was bad enough, but I was now getting some serious stomach pain and was wondering if I would even finish the event or be eliminated on grounds of stomach problems I've had all too often in situations when stress, too much sugar and not enough water have sent too much blood to the gut (maybe in hindsight a Subway stop with requisite 50-90 HR spike wouldn't have been a great idea either, Tesco Meal Deal on a duck wrap it is next time). So I now had to fight 5.4km of run course with considerably less power than I'm accustomed to; at least the course was straight headwind followed by straight tailwind so it wouldn't be my balance that would let me down. We were guided by the marshals towards Fairhaven Lake, where some cute ducks were wandering around two-by-two, obviously in love, bless them! After that it was the slog up the hill and the hairpin turn at the ice cream van before the long straight on the pavement along the main road, where for the first time I got to see the damage to the Honda which had a completely obliterated rear window. What a crash that must have been. It wasn't long before we encountered runners coming the other way, including today's Reject award winner: the giant-sized Pink Panther! That's right, some bloke a little shorter than me but twice my width was coming the other way in a black and PINK City of Lancaster Triathlon team kit looking even more red-faced than me on a stomach upset/dehydration/adrenal overload day and this at least gave me something to be entertained with as I approached the left-right chicane at the beach hut which signalled the start of the final sprint to the line. At this point I checked my watch and thought "well at least I can beat the 1:04 mark" but in the end I ducked 16 seconds under that time and crossed the line completely out of energy, but having done just enough to force a tie for tenth position, my first ever points finish on the Fylde!

After a long sit-down at the side of the path with a miniature drinks bottle (downed in PB-smashing time) I picked myself up and staggered off to the pitlane to collect my bike and check on the progress of Caroline Betmead. For those of you who remember "Dog-Gate" at the 2013 Lytham Hall 5k, some random Yorkshire terrier tried to disrupt a sprint between me and Caroline in that famous "penalty shoot-out" of a finish where the outcome was that I won, Caroline got the "first lady home" bottle of wine, and the dog, naturally, lost. Well Caroline was in her first ever triathlon having only ridden a bike two or three times before today and she was even on a borrowed alloy Merida bike, but she clocked a swim nearly a minute faster than me, and didn't give away all that much on the bike either; indeed I saw her come past the pits twice and both times she was closing on, and pulling away from, others on far more expensive bikes. I went off to source some fruit cake for both of us as she set off on the run but I'd barely reached the finish line with my stash of supplies when she came rocketing home in a jaw-dropping time of 1:09:34, as she won the female veterans category (40-59) by over five and a half minutes in what was undoubtedly the performance of the day; those fabled warehouses full of mass-produced TT frames are going to be having nightmares about how their P****t * St****hs got so roundly owned by a first-timer who doesn't even own a bike. After that it was time to head for home and reflect on a day full of feel-good stories, before driving to Chapelford Farm in Warrington where I joined the St Helens Tri hordes who'd been to Southport and St Annes. This place has a wide variety of meals and a carvery on offer, and I went for a unique dish; a steak/scampi combo, featuring a 5oz rump and a dozen scampi and all the usual accompaniments you typically find in a mixed grill. Needless to say, it also got demolished in record time, and went perfectly with a pint of San Miguel. Finally, at 7:30pm it was time to go back up the M57 and start wearing out my fingers at the keyboard to get all this written up for the various media outlets demanding my attention. Not that I mind staying up late to report on the first "Chinook Classic" of 2016, and don't forget, the Phoenix CC TT is up next on Saturday 4 June!

Now for the results, brought to you by Howard's recommendation, the Prologo Zero 2 TT:

Distances: 400m/21km/5.4km

Time: 1:03:44

Final Position: Tied for 10th (366 finished)

Dogs: 2

Ducks: 4

Crashes: 1 very serious incident on the bike course

Grumpy People: Just Dolan Man

"After you sir" moments: 1 in T2 over a pair of running shoes

Stars of St Annes: Adele for digging in to finish her first triathlon/Caroline for demolishing the FV division on debut with a borrowed Merida

Post Race Nutrition: 10/10 (Fruit cake at the finish, then steak, scampi and San Miguel, enough said)

REJECT OF THE RACE: City of Lancaster Triathlon Club, Giant-Sized Pink Panther Division

(I don't think Emma will be happy-snapping him any time soon)

That's me done for the day, I think I might need next weekend's Champions League Final plus the HMCC Sunday Showpiece to get me out of my zombified state. But when it all works out like it did today, it's always worth it!