S is for Slip and Slide on a Slice

For the 11th round of my 2016 race schedule I was up at 5:35am this morning for the short drive down the M57 to Eccleston Mere and a relay entry in the Taberns St Helens Triathlon. I would be joined by St Helens Tri teammates Che Heard, who is an IMUK star in the making having entered on his 18th birthday, and Eddie Hirst who was targeting a sub-19 minute 5k run once I'd handed the timing chip off. After waiting for Eddie to bring the race numbers I could put the bike in the pitlane and go along to the race briefing, starring Rob Mcleod who is always pretty difficult to spot when you're at the back of the congregation. We also got a few pre-race photos in courtesy of Myka Heard, who had burned the midnight oil to join us and give support around the course. The standard racers were already in the water by this stage, including Alan Treanor who would set a new world record for most bike parts used in a race. For our part, it was time to send Che to the jetty, while leaving me to pick the mud out of my shoe cleats and let Eddie drive down to T2 for the final stage. And then it began: the horn set the swimmers off for one lap of the Eccleston Mere Lake.

I got a good chat with a few others waiting for their teammates to come out of the water, indeed there would be six relay teams gunning for glory. Mal Balmer joined us in the pitlane and would use his Liverpool City Council supply of bin bags to take Che's wetsuit and my remaining warm-up gear to the finish, as I didn't want to shiver any longer than I absolutely had to. So I dumped the hoodie in the bag as Che appeared, and after a quick change of chip I had my helmet on and was legging it down to the start of the bike course, which included some cyclocross (so naturally I ran with the bike until we reached the road). Once out on terra firma I enjoyed the first mile as I reached speeds of over 25mph all the way to the A570 crossing, but I had to use a bit more in the way of brute force to climb past the Abbey pub, where plenty of people were cheering us on early doors. The route then weaved through a set of speed bumps, one costing me my hydration supply as my seat-tube bottle fell out of its cage (that confirms why I need to get a bike with down tube capabilities; got to think the new Slice is more practical in that regard) and during this passage of play I came across Alan once more, who at this stage still had a full supply of inner tubes, though that would change. Every time you passed a pub, there seemed to be a group of supporters waving at us and ringing cow bells, but then came Shaley. Unbelievably this would be the most fun part of the day, as first I passed Louise Hogg who was out on a training ride with a friend, and then on the climb itself (which went surprisingly well on a heavy TT bike) the DEVILS appeared. These two characters were great fun in the absence of Garry and his motorbike, and even more surprisingly they didn't get in my way. Instead they let us get on with it and at the top of Shaley I'd dispatched at least half a dozen road bikes, which gave me track position on the technical descent to the T-junction, where we turned left for Upholland. This was another speedy segment, though Trek Madone Man must have got the shock of his life as I passed him just prior to a road of parked cars, a mile before Alma Hill. I was expecting to need the little ring here but muscled up the incline and came across Disc Wheel Man, who was overtaken before the summit. However, I would see him shortly afterwards, as on the Tower Hill descent a man was wandering in the middle of the road next to his 4x4. I was busy shouting "GET OUT OF THE WAY" and braked rather too late, and the end result was a rear wheel stepping out right just as I wanted to turn left. You can guess what that meant; I ended up on the floor at 30mph with a nasty cut in my left elbow and scraping my upper leg in the process. This must have spooked Disc Wheel Man thinking he was going to get CHINOOK'D but he did have the good sportsmanship to ask if I was alright. I proved this by re-passing him shortly before Crawford, but the shock of the fall meant I was struggling to trust the usual driving lines around the corners and had to cope with this insecurity while still attempting some passes on slower riders ahead. I was suitably relieved when I saw the board for T2 and then overshot the turn-in point for the school. Finally, after slamming the brakes on at the dismount line I could sprint through to T2 and drop both my bike and my timing chip off, with Eddie taking the latter on a run that would confirm our status as St Helens Triathlon relay team champions 2016!

For my part I set off to find the first aid van where the gouge in my elbow was cleaned up and a hard plaster was applied, and then I went for a long sit-down with the Saints tifosi who were only too happy to have me as a member of the tea and coffee tray team. It was rather surprising that they didn't expect me to crash the tray on the way back to the finish area but tea and coffee as enjoyed all round and, after Eddie finished, bacon and sausage barms expertly cooked by the canteen staff. Eddie also thought of an even better idea; buy CAKE! That's right, acquire four chocolate brownies (no prizes for guessing whose cake vanished first) and having confirmed our place at the prize presentation we waited for the other races to finish and got a good conversation with Che about his new Giant Propel for next year's IMUK. In the event St Helens Tri took a clean sweep of all the major awards available, with particular congratulations due to Rachael Fairclough for winning the sprint on debut and Mark Glynn for snatching the mens' standard distance event thanks to a sub-38 minute 10k. This necessitated a long wait for the last few finishers to complete the course, mainly because various crashes on that same corner delayed some, while others were held back by time-consuming mechanicals, the craziest story of the day undoubtedly being that of Alan Treanor who ran out of inner tubes, thought about accepting a life back to base but then was offered a wheel by a spectator who only lived round the corner. This meant he went through three inner tubes and three wheels, but hey, at least he got his money's worth. The prize presentation was memorable not least because we received a magnificent team trophy (one EACH) with the event date printed on it; it reminded me of the ones Darren Prout supplied for last year's club dinner. The race T-shirts were the best I've seen in many a long year too, I do like a choice of colours to train in and have never bought purple before so why not? While Rob Mcleod tried not to get cocooned in the gazebo as it blew over in the suddenly strong crosswind, Eddie then went to get the car so I woudn't get lost on the way back to the yacht club and after transferring the bike to my car I could set off for home, where a quick turnaround had me off to the Ormskirk Food and Drink festival at the cricket club, where I demolished a fish kebab, a seriously dirty salsa burger and three pints of ale, all rounding off a mad day's racing where at least we got the prize we wanted. Put it on your A-list for 2017, and don't forget, the biggest month's racing of the entire year starts next weekend!

Now for the results, in association with Che's new bike, the Giant Propel Advanced Pro 1 2017 (if only I had longer legs like Paul Manning):

Distance: 750m/20k/5k

Time: 1:13:03

Final Placing: 2nd sprinters overall/1st team by a country mile

Devils: 2

Hors Cat Climbs: 1

Crashes: apparently half a dozen

Dead Inner Tubes: None for me but 3 for Alan

Best Moment of the Day: The team photo with our 85 different trophies

REJECT OF THE RACE: Tower Hill Descent

(For being bumpy, greasy and rendering brakes useless - not just for Kev Murphy's second-in-chief but for others as well)

Off to Oulton Park next week for the Autumn Duathlon. Calling Matt: do Castelli offer body armour to hide under skinsuits?