S is for 'Sabres and Stupid Shoelaces in Staffordshire

It’s been a busy few weeks for me on the racing scene with two time trials, the challenge of the year in Capel Curig and training still ongoing for the National Club Relays at the end of August, but for the 11^th round of the 2017 season I took in something different and went to Leek Cricket Club in North Staffordshire for the final round of their local off road racing series. Set in five miles of countryside just outside the town of Leek itself, the course is typical of the entire series in that it comprises some road stretches interspersed with hills and mud which more resemble a fell race than anything else and reduce all but the hardiest of runners to power striding up. In addition local legend Mick Hall was on hand to take the photos in the first and last 400 metres and I would be tonight’s subject of his Sportrait series, obviously he was trusting me not to crash on a descent and come into the finish line covered in mud. So after picking up my race number and surveying the variety of post race drink options I watched the short fun runs kick off at 6:45pm then waited around the cricket club itself in the presence of Darth Vader Man who was only really there to keep the kids entertained. Memo to matey-boy; PLEASE come and provide similar entertainment to us in the Deva City for Project 70.3 2018. Anyway, we left him to his own devices and made our way to a grassy field for the start and after a bizarre countdown of 3,2,1, no-one actually fired a starting gun or horn and we were left to set off for one of the craziest run courses I’ve ever experienced.

The first half a mile was a fast and furious affair, indeed I clung onto the back of the top ten for much of this passage of play, but one particularly speedy Trentham runner passed me on the first downhill only for me to take a slightly better line into the left-hander that followed and this signalled the start of the real fell climb; first a load of mud, then hard packed soil and rocks, and finally a bit of grass at the very top. Indeed, one bloke who would finish well inside the top 10 was already walking ahead of me and I presume he was something of a Paolo Salvodelli at descending because at least I was quickly striding at this point in my efforts to catch him. On the first descent it quickly became apparent that my Asics DS Racers, acquired on Monday from Realbuzz in Wigan, weren’t very well suited to the greasy grass we had to run downhill on and I lost about half a dozen places here, including one with an Ironman belt on and another guy who looked like he belonged on Chris Green’s favourite show. I think we know what that is by now (thank God the Premier League, the Aviva Premiership and the NFL are back soon). Some paved stretches followed, but more disconcerting drama was just around the corner, as my laces came undone and another Trentham runner pointed this out to which I thought “sprint first, ask questions later”. Well I certainly was asking a few questions of myself over the following ten minutes or so, as the next climb really took it out of all of us and then on the following plunge through the forest I was all alone, unable to see anyone ahead and with nobody apparently behind me. That was until I saw a stile, went for it and then realised I’d gone the wrong way! This cost me about the five seconds that would separate me from the next person ahead on the finish line but truth be told my descending was always going to leak many positions even after three runners pointed me the right way. After the final off-road descent came a run past the Abbey Inn, where the marshals started shouting “not long to go”. We now had a tough ascent on road to come followed by a redux of the first 400 metres. It was here that I caught one of the friendly tri who saved me from getting eaten by the wild boars and he said “go get them”. Well I couldn’t catch the two in front of me but I did manage to pull off a couple of already-legendary pictures for Mick Hall and with one last YOLO sprint I went so hard I missed the tape at the last corner and had to duck under it to get to the finishing chute, but I dug in one last time for the line and eventually finished 16^th out of 165 in a time of 35:11, not bad on a night when the runaway winner didn’t even beat 30 minutes.

After that I pretty much went straight to the bar for a pint of fine Atlantic Pale Ale; it’s fair to say that the likes of 13 Guns is inspiring similar beers over this side of the pond, no bad thing when you consider how diverse the real ale market has become (still can’t down a whole pint of blonde though). I was still drinking this when I posted my opening race comments and selfie (not as good as the race photos but at least one person thinks it should be my profile picture, PETRA………….) The prize presentation followed and it was good to chat to Greg from Edinburgh whose son was up for one of the awards. He got £20 cash so already he was asking Daddy if he could get some new shoes, I be like “yes get some Asics you’ll go faster than in those Karrimors”. Of course, Daddy pointed out that he was still expected to buy all the family shoes but at least they know they have a damned good talent on their hands. Come 9pm it was time to head for home having enjoyed a cracking evening out and already the Facebook page at St Helens Tri has descended into a game of rock-paper-scissors to determine who drive and who drinks (easy solution for that; stay at one of the B&B’s I spotted on the way down to Leek). Anyone else fancy something a bit different to liven up your Thursday evenings next summer?

Now for the results, powered by American-inspired Atlantic Pale Ale:

Distance: 5 miles

Time: 35:11

Final Position: 16/165

Misdirection Moments: 2

Hors Cat Climbs: 2

Powerslides: 1 on the last descent

Lightsabres: 1 from Darth Vader

Post Race Nutrition Planning: 10/10 (For setting a KOM between the finish and the bar, then grabbing a pint of Atlantic)

REJECT OF THE RACE: Asics DS Racer Shoelaces

(First time in three years I’ve trusted lace-ups over lock laces and, well, should have seen it coming)

Time to head out on the bike to Stokers in Southport to get a quote on carpets and kitchen flooring. But have a great weekend whatever you do; only three weeks until the club relays now!