H is for Heroics and Headbangers at the Howgills Triathlon

For the 9th round of my 2016 race calendar I was up at 5:35am today for the long drive north to Sedbergh for the Howgills Pool Triathlon hosted by Epic Events. This race, in its inaugural year, would attract a small but strong field, one might say it was a "Champions League Race" or "Race Winners 2016 Only - All Others Will Be Shown The Door" event. I stopped at the bleak-looking but very well-stocked Burton-in-Kendal services at 7:15am for a second breakfast of bacon roll plus hot chocolate grande from Costa and half an hour after getting back on the road I was at the race venue. This wasn't easy to navigate, because you had to park well away from the race HQ (though I would end up passing my car twice on the run later) and the school is so vast it makes the likes of Merchant Taylor's in Crosby look like Lathom High. Registration was quick and easy, and I picked up my lucky number 30 from years of go-kart race winning past to set my bike up in the pitlane, nice and compact in a school playing yard. This gave me ample time to jog round the perimeter 20 times as a warm up, as well as kick a tennis ball away from transition, before waddling up the steps to the pool for the race briefing. I was informed that leaving the bike shoes poolside wasn't a good idea, so I agreed to simply carry them to my bike and not try and slip and slide over the greasy steps we would find between the pool and T1, but more on that later. A quick round-up of the challenges we would face out on course followed, and then it was off to Lane 3 to swim 16 lengths anti-clockwise against a first-timer in a purple cap, which meant that those of us in Denver orange swim hats would get things underway at 10:03.

My first two lengths were well-prepared thanks to my warm-up but my in-lane opponent was far too fast for me and within two lengths had caught my ankle. However, I was able to stay reasonably close to her after that, proof once again that people go a bit mad on their first lengths when they're not used to the demands of a near-2 hour race. Things got a bit easier once the "2 to go" board was tapped on our heads and I got out the water comfortably ahead of the last few stragglers in Wave 3. The aforementioned run to T1 was more like a throwback to the Crystal Maze as you had to climb some stairs, cross a walkway then go down yet more stairs. It was here that I could see the point of not putting bike shoes on, but I now had to wobble over gravel barefoot before arriving on terra firma to go round the spiral into the pitlane to collect my bike. T1 itself was perfectly speedy and after the long run to the mount "box" I could set off onto the bike course for 20 miles of pure speed heaven.

It was an interesting start to say the least, with the locals cheering us on and Tractor Man appearing in front of me at 15mph, so I dived up the left side of him once I realised his indicator was on to turn right, and the mini-draft I got off him sent me hurtling through the first few miles past row of houses with yet more fans applauding our efforts. Amongst the various victims early doors were a couple of Planet X bikes and Trek Speed Concept Man; the reviews of the carbon version are less than stellar so one wonders how heavy his alloy version is, quite a drag on such rolling roads I'm sure. Indeed, the course had plenty of fast descents where "Paul Moy's Descending Masterclass" from the 31 July race group would have no doubt come in handy but the comments about "reading the ride" from Kevan would have been more appropriate as a number of potholes threatened to disturb the peace before a lovely smooth stretch out in the open with a tailwind just before the turnaround point. Here, yet more reading and reacting was obligatory because two stupid sheep were in the road - one on the opposite side, the other sat in the ditch just as I came past. It was very fortunate that neither moved because sheep aren't really intelligent despite those schoolyard jokes of generations past. At the Fat Lamb pub (apt name there if ever there was one) there were just a couple more S-bends to negotiate before the turnaround loop which was full of gravel and stones; I'm thinking we didn't need to do this and the pre-race briefing idea that the circle was in the middle of the road was actually correct after all. Then again, TT bikes don't have the greatest turning circle. The return leg was very much a case of "spot the Plasma and spot the Trinity" as I was now thinking that Phil and Chris were going to catch me before the end of the event. For now though, I was making up time on the fast bike starters with the road generally trending downwards despite a much bumpier road surface threatening to wreck my Veloflex Records a couple of race early before the new wheels arrive. By the time I reached the 27km mark I knew the "Welcome to Sedbergh" sign wasn't that far away so put in a couple more efforts from the base bar and rolled into the dismount box once more having covered a speedy 20 or so miles, before the long, long jog with the bike back to the pitlane to change shoes and head for the run course. And after a few mouthfuls of Optimum Nutrition Amino Energy, the most chaotic stanza of the race was about to unfold.

The first kilometre or so was all on tarmac which allowed me to eat others alive like they were just my starter for the post-race banquet, but upon turning left down the side of some very expensive houses (at least I know where my retirement home will now be 30 years from now) I was wondering if a mountain TT-style equipment swap would have been a good idea, in that you could leave trail shoes in the bushes and collect them in a quick pitstop to help with traction on the off-road section. Well, off-road you say? How about two miles of nothing but uphill, with steep gradients, cars trying to force their way past and after that, grassy, rocky steep gradients to the top of Winder Fell? I kept running well on the tarmac sections but the first grassy bit was very slippery, a situation not helped by the brief rain shower during the time I was out on the bike course, and some bloke sat at the gate said "17 minutes" (a reference to the best time to get to the top AND BACK, yeah right). I saw Blue Cap Man ahead of me but every time I thought I would nip past him, the gradient got tougher and I had to resort to power-striding my way through the mist to the top of the climb. I'd got the deficit down to around 5 seconds at the summit, but then the descent back to the gate would be the most treacherous bit of running I've ever done, and while Blue Cap Man escaped, I struggled, slipped around and eventually went crash BANG onto my backside, also hitting the back of my head on the grass! This was in full view of some of my earlier victims who were now thinking "why the f*** is he using tarmac racing flats" so instead of humiliating myself any more I focused on simply reaching the gate once more, having seen Phil Ellison come the other way. At the gate I saw my good mate with the book once again and sad "17 minutes my arse, what drugs was he using" before setting off further downhill on the tarmac again with some real pain now plaguing my right ankle. But remember, as the sign at the foot of the hill said, you don't stop when you're tired, you stop when you are done. And there was a bit more off-road descending to do, whereupon I saw previous wave swimmers barely able to walk even before they reached the gate, but they get top marks off me for sheer effort. Finally, the tarmac appeared once again to stay to the end and this gave me all the incentive to go after Blue Cap Man. I caught him about 800 metres from the end and put my foot down round the last two left-hand bends, eventually slogging up the grassy knoll with no-one aiming any AK47's at me and sprinted proper good-style for the line, eventually finishing in an unofficial time of 1:52:45, good enough for 8th overall in a very strong field.

After that it was a short wait for Phil Ellison to come home and greatly disappoint Castelli Tri Suit Man, who thought he'd done enough from Wave 4 to win. As it was he'd come close to catching me on the line and Phil, upon seeing me covered in mud, said "you could have taken him out for me and then I wouldn't have had to worry". This would have caused no end of chaos if a pre-race favourite had got CHINOOK'D but it would also have got Chris Green on the podium, as in the hard luck story of the day he was the highest-placed finisher not to receive an award, coming in fourth overall. Meanwhile, a message had got to the race medics about me crashing on the descent and a quick check of my senses was required to let me go and collect my bike from the pitlane, but before that I simply had to take advantage of today's meal deal offer; bacon or sausage barm, hot drink and a cake, all for a fiver! All three items were absolutely sublime, if only there'd been a good pub in the vicinity I think the post-race nutrition scores would have been a perfect 10. As the final few runners came across the line the presentation began, where Phil once again stole the show easily taking home the title, while Castelli Man was runner-up and Marc Laithwaite from the Endurance Store nabbed third spot. A couple of photos and discussions about my move to Ormskirk followed, and then it was time to put bikes in cars and head home, me stopping at Shake Shack in Maghull to get a head start on post-race protein fuelling in the form of a Galaxy Caramel shake. All in all, an amazing day out, and one you simply have to put in your diary for 2017; if you agree to do that I'll even research possible B&B's to stay overnight and make a weekend of it!

Now for the results, powered by Shake Shack Galaxy Caramel drinks:

Distance: 400m/33km/8.34km

Time: 1:52:45 (splits to follow)

Final Position: 8th from around 60 entrants

Team Champions: ST HELENS (1+4+8 = 13 points, lowest score wins)

TT Bikes Overtaken: 1

Stupid Sheep: 2

Crashes: 1

Post Race Nutrition: 9/10 (Sausage barm, chocolate brownie and hot chocolate, a beer would have made it a 10)

REJECT OF THE RACE: Asics Hyperspeed 6's

(They were the reason I won the duathlon last month; they could have sent me to the hospital today. Think I might buy some trail shoes for next year and play Shoe Swap at the foot of the climb)

Enjoy your long rides tomorrow, I can't be there as I'm off to the Williamson Art Gallery in Birkenhead for a gig at 2pm followed by a couple hours of entertainment fro the Emirates as Liverpool's season gets underway. Only two weeks to the West Lancs Triathlon - and on my possible future home ground too. What are you waiting for, get your entries in now!