C is for Charleston-stepping on Charlestown Road

Round 13 of my 2016 race season almost didn't happen today as I had to battle with Wallasey Tunnel traffic just to get to Edge Lane for 1pm having only left work five miles down the road half an hour earlier. This meant it was a mad scramble to bolt for Elton Head Road so I could pick up XC debutant Paul Thomas in St Helens. From here, with the clock showing 1:30pm it was a very fast journey slowed only by the 50mph "average speed check" segment on the M60 northbound en route to Boggart Hole Clough for the second round of the Manchester Area Cross Country League. We put things away in the car like a well-drilled army and this got us to the front gates just as Matt arrived with our race numbers. Luckily, Boggart Hole is a very easy venue to navigate, as in straight over the bridge and you're at the start-finish area. It was here that Matt remarked "I think we've got 5" which would have been a real let-down as our season would have been over. However, right on cue Patrick appeared and he could join the rest of us on the start line for the gun at 2:30pm, whereupon we began a crazy 10k of mud, ponds and a little bit of grass and tarmac here and there.

The first eastward run to the back of the small loop was pretty hairy not least because faster running were fighting for track position, but I picked up pace on the left side of the race route as we aimed for THE DITCH and shortly before getting there I overtook Matt for second club counter behind the run-off-and-hide effort from the Millet Model Eddie Hirst (as you know, I went for the same job but crashed the bike in the car park before the photoshoot could begin) Pat appeared on my right side as I gingerly picked my way through the ditch (having infuriated plenty of little people in the process) and he said "it's mingin' isn't it". I then got a good turn of speed on this shorter loop to get a bit of a lead on him as we approached the end of lap 1 but then the ultimate traffic jam built up at the new-for-2016 bridge crossing as someone had to tie their shoelaces. Needless to say, he got CHINOOK'D. After "dealing" with the little man in the red vest I could power past the bandstands and start lap 2. This was the first of two far longer circuits which would have us follow a lot of the first loop, which I was naturally delighted about as we had to navigate THE DITCH once again. I never really got the hang of this as in retrospect I took far too many small steps instead of leaping with long-stride speed, but as we approached the extreme twists and turns at the back end of the long course a gradual, drawn-out descent was the biggest worry as some looked like they were on a suicide mission and Pat proved to be something of a master at such a form of descending while I tiptoed down the hill and tried to stay upright. I did - just - but I had to pick up speed quickly on the next straight as we had a bit of tarmac to help us out. This was only followed by yet more tough terrain and a final run through some very secluded woods as the end of lap 2 drew near. It was nice to get a couple of young fans recognising the St Helens Tri team kit though! As we began the final tour I could sense a few ahead were starting to tire so I made up half a dozen places at the east end of the course but naturally lost them all at THE DITCH and had to use the next, flat segment round the left-hand bend to take them all back. During this passage of play I spotted a little Italian bloke who I've encountered in previous cross country races (I'll just call him "Giuseppe" because he looked like one of the PT's who used to work at the gym in Formby). He was my last victim from this group of 6 but he must have seen my horrendous balance during the twisty part of the course and promptly jumped on my heel (as opposed to my rear wheel) putting himself in prime position to bomb past on that long, drawn out descent I referred to earlier. I did stay reasonably close to him, though, and even got past once more before the final run through the twists and turns prior to the last bridge crossing. I think you know what's coming up, but before I get to that, one of the many Stockport Tri Club runners on the course passed me with half a mile to go saying "sorry St Helens". Well I kept the miscreant in view and as I approached the final incline after the bridge I was right on his tail. Guess what happened next (say it with me) YOLO! That's right, my new-found chum got dispatched easily as the fans lining the finishing straight wondered how on earth someone with such a fast final sprint could be so far down the field. Well, when you've nearly ended up on your backside about 50 times simply because you can't keep your balance, that might have something to do with it. At the time of writing I don't have an official time but it was something around 46:30, so if nothing else good for an improvement of over two minutes from twelve months ago.

After finishing it was time to catch up with Eddie and Pat, while wondering just how close the remaining Saints were to catching me. Matt was next across the line having somehow not died of hypothermia, while Terry put his experiences in the Himalayas to good use finishing not too far behind. So now we waited to see if we were still in the league. The answer was............yes, because Paul had put in a very good finishing kick to ensure we had six healthy runners crossing the line to collect club points. So healthy, in fact, that Pat's wife had brought a cake so perfected, I think even Charlotte would approve. It substituted coconut in place of the white and deadly stuff, and it was banana and chocolate flavour, all using top quality, maybe even raw, ingredients. Me and Pat compared half marathon experiences while eating the cake but most had to get home. This left me and Paul to contend with a muddy lot of clothes and how best to put it away. We stepped inside the men's toilets in the hope of washing our lower legs in the sink only to be greeted with the runaway Reject award winner; the toilets themselves! That's right, this was the worst chemical leak I've ever come across as the URINALS had been blocked and, worse still, some idiots were still going in there to pee instead of using the bushes. We stepped away from what looked like a nuclear disaster zone and instead used the outside "tap" to get some of the mud off; let's just say I'll need to add an inflatable outdoor pool to my future home if I'm to keep up my appearances at future XC races as I don't want any of THAT coming into Rosecroft Close do I? We very gingerly covered every possible body part up while the bloke in the car next door commented how he "whooped ass on guys who beat me by 5 minutes on the road". So I'm not really that slow then? Thanks for the confidence boost mate. I opened up the stash of banana and chocolate muffins I had in the car and handed one to Paul. They were 4 for £1 in the Wild Bean Cafe in Formby yesterday and went down a treat prior to me starting up the car and heading back to the M60 and towards St Helens, while en route we got discussing a wide range of topics including music, Donald Trump and why I deferred my Lytham 10k entry to next year; namely so that I could help the troops out today, I'm sure Mr Trump himself would approve. With Paul dropped off at home I bolted off down the M57 and arrived home at 5:20pm having got a great day out, and all for no entry fee. Plus with it NOT being on a Sunday, I even get to ride tomorrow! So everyone's a winner.

Now for the results, powered by M&S Banana and Chocolate Chip Muffins:

Distance: 10k

Time: not sure but around 46:30

Average Speed: don't want to think about it

Encounters with "Giuseppe": 3

Pile-Ups: 1 at the bridge crossing

Post Race Nutrition: 10/10 (cakes in abundance at the finish followed by Moroccan chicken, couscous, fruit with yoghurt and a bottle of Stella)

REJECT OF THE RACE: The men's toilets

(If Donald Trump finds out about these chemical weapons it'll be the first XC venue to get a bomb dropped on it. Bring back Sherdley Park I say)

Time to put the keyboard away now before a good ride tomorrow. And time to get stronger and fitter for 2017, because (say with me) I LOVE ST HELENS! (and you too Ormskirk!)