Stars Earn Their Stripes (and their San Pellegrino)

A cloudy but relatively calm day attracted around 50 to the shop this morning for the 9am start, numbers not being too decimated by Alan's ride to the middle of nowhere. Four rides were on offer, with Martin Rowlands taking the C group on a flat run to Orrell Water Park cafe and the B's going to Rivington. That left a choice of two rides, neither of which I could be sure were the most macho; a longer A ride round St Helens and Tarleton with no chance to eat (and the expectation that you would have skipped breakfast) or an insight into how the Race group has transformed since that dreaded December day when Alex vanished up Belmont and I tootled back home with a raging migraine. In the end the feed station option won and I joined twelve others on Matt's ride, beginning with Dark Lane.

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY MEAN BY "AN UNNERVING CHAINEY"

I set off on the right side of Row 4 behind Tony but ahead of Stefan, all the while needing to get the approval of Mr Accountability on his Cervelo S3 ZUUS edition. During the first few miles to the Hoscar Moss I was alongside Wilko, happily back where he belongs after a long period away in Scotland and riding mountain bikes. As he pointed out though, 30 miles in Scotland can be more tiring than 50 round these parts because up north you typically don't have a choice of easy or head routes. A bit like me when trying to devise average speed hunting run routes while living on the top of a hill. The answer? There ARE none, you just have to gut it out (remember GPG, Guts Pain Glory?) We also got talking about the Rugby World Cup and England's chances once they get out of the first round, which should be pretty good as long as France don't awake from their near-decade long slumber. For our part we weren't sleeping on anything as we turned left then right onto the Hoscar Moss, where the first bumps threw us off balance momentarily and the right-turn at the end of Wanes Blades Road was a bit unnerving, because I thought we might be going up Hunter's early doors. Any Hors Cat Climbing would have to wait a little longer though, because we took the shortcut to Hilldale dodging out of a side road just past the Eagle and Child before reaching the T-junction for the Parbold Duathlon course. We rounded up two leisure riders as we passed the Farmer's Arms and passed them before they had the chance to show us how to climb, because we had only one thing on our minds, and that was increase the average speed. This would continue all the way through Wrightington, past the Delph (where apparently some St Helens Tri members went today) and onwards to where the RBS used to be in Eccleston despite the best efforts of a van turning around in the road to block us. By now the temperature had risen somewhat and I was conscious of the fact that I was probably going to hit the front soon, so I primed myself for that by thinking purely of the Snowman Triathlon next Sunday and the fact that my new cleats (fixed black) and position (a bit further forward so I'm not falling off the seat) would save the day. And indeed, that would be the case as we began part 2, the reverse of the old IMUK bike loop.

OH LOOK AT THE "COMPLETE NOT COMPETE" BRIGADE, THEY'VE ALL COME OUT THE WOODWORK

It's fair to say that events like Wimbledon make people dust off their racquets and go play some tennis. I'd like to think that last week's epic story at Ironman UK, where Charlie Taktak of St Helens Tri finished in just over 16 hours at the age of 18, would have encouraged some people to get their old push irons out and so it proved as me and Stefan, who know a thing or two about multisport (even if two totally different ends of the scale) took our turn out front which led to me getting extremely stressed that I could possibly do enough for the soldiers behind me. After all, there are some people out there whereby no matter what you do, it'll NEVER be good enough. So I decided I was just going to push as hard as possible even if I didn't have the breath to shout SMHBYWI until after we'd handed over to someone else. That wouldn't happen for a while though as we crossed the M6 Charnock Richard bridge and continued on the old IMUK bike route as people were coming the other way at ever increasing speeds, one even having tri-bars on her road bike. Now I'm not sure if these were intended as a prong to attack Red Mazda MX5 Man who nearly wiped us out with a stupid overtake into a stupidly small gap, but I think she'll be music to the organiser's ears if not to those organising the Yorkshireman Half which I'm doing on the summer solstice (on a semi-related point, Charlie's half time is nearly 25 minutes quicker than Mr "Complete Not Compete" who's slaying mountains as I write this. Target Acquired). We stayed out front all the way to the right turn into the complex of new builds then over the bridge and on to the Coppull Straight, which was pretty inviting as a downhill especially as for once I didn't hvae a much bigger rider than me as my wingman. Just before the hairpin turn for Adlington, the front changed again and I was mighty relieved to get some recovery time as we stayed on the road for Rivington, but after the White Horse pub we went straight over at the lights and, it seemed, towards Horwich. However, we would turn left before the junction for the Barn and take the route less travelled back to the reservoir road, which was mercifully quite quiet today. Matt said "if Alex goes straight up Belmont we're leaving him" (haha that'll teach the whippersnappers) implying that we would be doing the first part before parking up briefly at the junction. But what would the strategy be?

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE - AND THAT INCLUDES PISS STOPS

We set off in the little ring past the Piano Bar and at first all was pretty quiet, but Alex really exploded past well before the cattle grid and left me struggling to hold onto John O'Brien, who at least didn't disappear like I've seen him do with the A group. Upon reaching the junction I noticed seven bikes there before me, but luckily two of them were non-HMCC riders so I'd nabbed a top 6 finish first time back. That couldn't last though, as some people who parked up after me decided to water the flowers and I shovelled down an out of date vegan and gluten free energy bar nabbed from Dobbies last week. This led to a frantic chase of the leaders as they bombed the descent through Little Anglezarke to the big one starting at the hairpin. Here, the group nearly reformed but my sluggish start out of the fuel stop would be so costly as I had so much ground to make up and only got myself back to mid-table at the summit. But the descent was another matter altogether; I got stuck behind a grey Mercedes and ended up having to follow it while others sneaked past the automobile and somehow got massive leads on me before even reaching the bridge where, for once, there weren't any walkers. Instead, we still had to attack all the way to the White Coppice junction where it turned out that Mike on the Factor bike had lost/dropped/thrown his chain, apparently being out on the lesser of his two bikes (what's his best bike, an S5 Dura Ace Di2 Enve Disc? He can have my business card anytime). Eventually, we set off once more with only the fastest, flattest route home in mind, and this would begin with the tricky standing start climb on the outside of Chorley which leads to the Red Cat/David Lloyd junction. I wondered if we would indeed throw in a nasty "toughen 'em up" surprise in here just to torture everyone's mental states all the more but Matt thought better of it and sent us to the BP garage T-junction, before a left onto Dawsons Lane signalled the start of the dash for home. Here, some people swerved unnervingly between the "hiding" lane (on the left" and the "I'll do my bit for the army" lane (on the right) which at least one S3 owner would have been disgusted with. He would have been more impressed, though, with the speed at which I recovered a computer head unit at the lights for the retail park near Buckshaw Village, as in "Red Bull 1.8 Seconds Pit-Stop Style" from last week's British Grand Prix. We went straight over the junction and then again avoiding Runshaw College, leading us to a brief hold-up in Leyland where another Mercedes backed us up, before beginning the dash to the cafe via Ulnes Walton.

VOTE FOR THE GRAFTERS, VOTE FOR VIC, VOTE CHINOOK, YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE

It wasn't long before we were out into the country, via a house with an American flag hanging out of the window. Either they've been on holiday since the fourth of July or they're getting their Trump campaign going at least a year early. Now don't get me wrong, I like the Republican "WORK for what you REALLY want" mentality, that's great. But seriously, how can you back someone who comes up with these ridiculous one-liners? I suggest you vote Republican, and for Vic Fangio, the new Denver Broncos head coach. He was the one I was referring to at the shop this morning as the new Mr BattleAxe who's banned music from practices and is RAGING to make even the best players on the team even better. A bit like me with my SMHBYWI calls and attempts to half-wheel, you might say. Indeed, given the histrionics surrounding my opinionated comments on the BTF coaching course and my "arrogant b*****d" assertions about how to make anyone faster (including any Race groupers starting out in triathlon, you're welcome Daniel Hughes) you could say me and Vic Fangio are two chips off the same block. This mentality served me well, indeed was my get out of jail card, as we ramped the pace up, in fact I even got it into my head, with good reason, that we would extend the ride to Tarleton just so I didn't get a morale-crushing surprise at the last minute. In the end we got the easy option, as Mr Slowcoach in front of us forced us to decelarate to under 15mph before the left-turn for Croston. Here, Gareth continued his Mission WinEverything campaign by setting off to win the sprint well before the cafe, leaving Matt to lead us through the final few turns to Twin Lakes. We reached our favourite stop for well-priced din dinz having covered just shy of 40 miles from home.

We parked up on the grass and sprinted inside. Bacon and sausage barmcakes were popular amongst the carnivores, but I went for beanz on toast and San Pellegrino Limonata for a fiver. Once at the outside table we mused over whether we were going to end up getting a soaking while talking about different training backgrounds; it seems as though I must have the smallest power output of anyone in the club as those who'd been beasting me all day "boasted" about getting their weight down under 13 stone; I countered that I've never weighed more than 11.5 and am now just under 11. How on earth is everyone else's heart managing to keep up with 15-20% added mass? Maybe Chelsy Lowe has it right with his box-fit classes. And if she beats JP to the A group, the world as we know it WILL end. The B group arrived just as we were leaving featuring some of the riders on the Ironman support crew from last week. They took over our tables as we left to finish the ride with Mawdesley, the Eagle and Child and the Hoscar Moss.

PLENTY OF MUSHROOMS, BUT NO "KIND OF" MAGIC FROM ME TODAY

We crested Croston Bridge and immediately people started swinging off for home at various junctures. Most of us, though, went through Mawdesley past the old Robin Hood pub and into the village, rounding up a wobbly-looking Ribble rider and a BMX kid as we did so. The pace really sagged on the bumps past the church (it never does when I'm on the front there, people seem to use it as an excuse to show me up for putting 200psi in the tyres) and we rattled on to the Eagle and Child, which was very quiet today. Were they all at the vegan fair on the Beacon? I would soon find out, but not before bolting onto the Hoscar Moss with 10 choruses of the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack pumping me up for one last attack over the railway line. Some really went for it but I saw the road getting narrow and knew I wasn't going to win this one, so decided to roll in alongside the main field before turning right to nab a quick coffee and 51p worth of mushrooms from Booths, which will go very well later with the vegan burger and chickpeas I use to build and define muscle (they do say that as a coach you should be a "product of the product" - in other words, prove that what you do works. Well I'm much better looking than Vic Fangio but then again he is 60 years old). After leaving Booths I took the sheltered route past the rugby club and onto the Ryburn Road rollercoaster before rounding the mileage up past the 50 mark bombing it past the Town Green co-op. A right turn onto Winifred Lane saw me to within a mile of home and one last YOLO effort to the horrendous road surface through the trees was the final push before parking up at Chateau Chinook having covered 52 miles, before a quick bath, an even quicker turnaround and a lightning-quick drive to the Beacon for the aforementioned vegan fair to eat street food and vegan cakes plus the remnants of my favourite shake of the moment, Sci-Tec pea protein (which is packed with arginine, I mean what are they going to do, disqualify half the field in the Tour for eating 10 tins of mushy peas with their chips and curry every night?) What an eye-opener of a ride today, I really don't think I'm true Race group standard nowadays unless all the cards fall my way but who knows, keep this up and we may end up with a HMCC rider in the Tour one day!

Now for the results, brought to you by the Green Fayre:

Distance: 83.11km

Time: 2:41:20

Average Speed: 30.91kmh

Sunday Drivers: 1 in a Mazda MX5

Hors Cat Climbs: 2 on the bike, one in the car

Chains Dropped: 1

Stars: 13 on the ride, 50 on the Star-Spangled Banner

Money Spent Today: £5 at the cafe plus a tenner at the fair

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Mazda MX5 Man

(Let's hope his next purchase isn't a limousine)

Enjoy your rides next week especially those doing today's speed over the Trough, I won't be there to let you down as I'll be at the Snowman Triathlon. In the meantime I'll be getting the sub-5:30 half Ironman manual out for Ripon next June, no "winging it" from Mr Attention to Detail here........