Flat Head Four by Four do Tour de Tarleton and Twin Lakes

A drizzly morning meant that the initial enthusiasm was dampened somewhat but a last minute flurry of entries meant that we had around 45 takers for the 9am rides. The Race and C/D groups were popular today leaving little in the way of upper middle ground to be populated. As such Neil took the B group and Mark Titchener led four of us round the local lanes. Mark's group set off second, beginning with the cricket club.

I'M FEELING SUPERSONIC, GIVE ME GIN AND TONIC (NO CARA, IT'S BAD FOR YOUR SKIN)

I'm a little bit surprised Kevin Murphy didn't turn up to kill me today after the headline grabbing act I pulled off last week in York on the River Ouse. As such I was more than happy to get a clear view of the potholes on Altys Lane as the first rule of any club ride nowadays is "get your face back in one piece" (or Roxanne will fire you) Indeed I remarked that it's tough enough to dodge said holes when running, never mind kn two wheels, so I was delighted to get onto Long Lane and the reverse of the Aughton chainey route. I wonder how popular it will be this year now that the evening time trials have been shoehorned into the Tuesday night slot? Anyway we stayed out front through to Bickerstaffe and past the church, waving at a Kuota rider on our way, before turning right well before the roundabout for Simonswood. At this point I thought we were doing a reverse of the road race route but instead we took on the reverse of the back road to the A506. This is also known as "the best way to knock the club's resident Cara 200 metres backwards" given that he doesn't like gravel and mud filled roads but what we didn't expect was that a certain Pirelli tyre bought last Easter from the greatest bike shop in the world would be the victim. Sure enough, my rear tyre wasn't turning into corners properly and it turned out that the rear inner tube had gone down in a manner Tom Brady would be proud of (oh hang on he isn't playing tonight it's Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs) As such this led to a mad scramble to find the Continental Supersonic Gin and Tonic tube that hasn't been used for the last 7 years so it could come to the rescue while the ready to assemble in 24 easy parts Lezyne pump was readied for action. Mark Titchener's hand action assured that the job was done without tyre levers and the team effort had us up and running before the cacophony of dogs escaped the local mansion to hunt us down. We resumed with the route back to the main road only to get an earful from a Nissan 4x4 who didn't understand the meaning of the Highway Code rule about riding two-wide (thanks for absolving my rear tyre for the Reject award though) and we turned left past Town Green Station before dodging my house lest I say "you could have given me an extra hour in bed" then on to the Miller and Carter to begin part 2, the road through Haskayne and Halsall.

SINGLE OUT, BREATHING TO THE TURNING SIDE, THAT'S GOOD COACHING

We crossed the carriageway after Mark le Titch nearly got CHINOOK'D at the junction before taking the back roads to Lydiate. Here, many cars were parked at the church but a bizzie car came shooting through at approximately 78mph leading me to "single out" as per the single arm drill I conducted in the pool last week at the Lancaster University pool during the British Triathlon Level 2 coaching course. Shame you didn't see my epic fail lifting myself out of the water, you'd definitely think I have the same frame as a 12 year old, but in any case I held station up the drag past the school and onto the A5147 which if nothing else was an interesting clash of styles between me and Neil on his Canyon cyclocross bike. He pumps out remarkable watts while I find it near impossible to attack anywhere nowadays. But as they say in the NFL, defense wins championships and I was the happier of the two of us even after the phantom "clatter" moment near the petrol station when we thought someone had lost their saddle bag. We turned left onto Shirdley Hill past the hospital who sadly didn't have any replacement valves for me, rather I got my boost from a rare spell of Miami style weather en route to the Morris Dancers junction where we went left then over the railway line waving at a group coming the opposite way. The ride of the Four Seasons continued as we got hit by horizontal drizzle before Churchtown but it dried up again past the Botanic Gardens and it wasn't long before we reached the Plough roundabout for the third stanza, to Tarleton and Bretherton.

T IS FOR TARLETON, TRACTOR AND TIESTO RED LIGHTS

Intelligence is the avoidance of hard work, or so they say. Well today's steal was a free ride behind a van at a reasonable distance so we got the crosswind near eliminated through Banks, save for the roadworks, before embarking on the long drag strip down the coastal road. We hit a nice turn of speed here, over the 22mph mark despite the tractor coming the other way, before turning right at the end and heading into Tarleton itself. Here, me and Mike took the lead and pushed those big gears (in his case SRAM Red) all the way to the lights, before turning left over the bridge and right through the back of Bretherton. This was familiar to me because of my history with Southport CC Friday rides in the past but I didn't remember the gates - the first one had to be opened while the second one had a small escape road but it slowed our progress nonetheless. Shortly after rejoining terra firma we turned right into Twin Lakes, where we knew good food was on offer. But for how long?

30 MINUTES OR 30 SECONDS FOR FOOD? COULD HAVE DONE WITH BEANZ ON TOAST

We rolled into the driveway and set about queueing. The official word was a half hour wait for hot food so I simply helped myself to a vegan NAKD bar and fat burning Americano, but unbeknown to me everyone else in the cafe not only ordered substantial food but got served within 5 minutes! I didn't see this having gone to chat to the shortly departing C group but I was more than a bit put out by all this - surely I couldn't hold out having basically skipped lunch? It wouldn't be long before we got our answer as we set off around the 12:15 Mark for an extended run home.

YOU CAN DO IT PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT (ICE CUBE BATH AT THE READY)

We began the run home with the route through Croston and past a few workmen sorting out a broken drain, before continuing to the Robin Hood. I spotted a HMCC group fixing a bike up - I guess a puncture - but we turned left then waited while the world's longest rural traffic jam passed at around 7.3mph through the turn off we happened to need at Tannersmith Lane which at least led us to Moody Lane for the eventual turn for home at Mawdesley. For a short time I wasn't even sure where we were but eventually Cedar Farm appeared and this gave me a big of added impetus to crack on to the Eagle and Child, cross straight over and hold the front all the way to the Hoscar Moss AKA the usual "destroy everyone" segment. It's rare I get to use this mentality any more at this point and I was more interested in an interloper joining us for a mile or so at the Ring O'bells. It transpired that this guy knew Mike from the days they raced bikes and the two of them had far more "strength muscular endurance" than me despite being nearly twice my age - definitely the number one indicator of race performance for all but the shortest distances. By the time we reached Dark Lane there was only me and Mike left and he turned for home at the water tower leaving me to stop and stretch out my lower back. It was a good decision because along came Keith the Massi Bike Rider from Formby. He'd been out all day and was only on his second ride of the year but he was good company for the final dash through Ormskirk and up the hill. Eventually he stopped beasting me at the Royal Oak and I could cool down though to my house having covered 56 miles in ever improving weather. Thanks for that Mark, hopefully more turn out next week.

Now for the results, in association with Netflix:

Distance: 90.38km
Time: 3:17:40
Average Speed: 27.43kmh
Dead Inner Tubes: 1
Hors Cat Climbs: 0
Sunday Drivers: 1
Horses: 2
High Sided Vans: 1 in Banks
Fattest Tyres Ever: Neil on his Canyon (sorry FAZ)
Cafe Stop Spends: £3 for NAKD and coffee

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Nissan Man
(At least he got my inner tube off the hook)

See you next week for another great ride. Though whether I'll be in any fit state after the Prestwich Cross Country, is another matter. Who thinks I'll faceplant the mud and get kicked out of the agency in Culcheth?