The Chris and Charlie Show - Powered by Coffee and Chocolate Cake

The biggest party of the year rolled into Lancashire with THUNDERSTRUCK blaring out of the speakers on Sunday and that meant only one thing, a HMCC Ironman support ride with six takers leaving Dangerous Corner at 8am for a trip to Brinscall so as to reach Belmont by 10am. Five were there purely to support Chris Connor while one had various interests in the race - not all of whom finished, mind - and was the only entry for the fancy dress competition. With a few spits of rain in the air we set off at 8:15am, beginning with a ride onto the old course towards Eccleston.

WHO NEEDS TO TRAIN TO GET THE TIMES DOWN? JUST BRING BACK THE OLD COURSE

I set off on the left side of Row 3 next to Stephen Graham aboard his Cervelo S3 Disc, one of four Canadian bikes in the group. Indeed, only me and Allan were racing for Specialized today, the rest having bought their bikes in Ormskirk. Once onto the road for the church in Wrightington we were reminded of what a fast IMUK course really is like and in fact at the time of writing there are rumours that they are going to revert back to the old course for 2020. After turning right at the church we just about got through a gap in traffic at the Corner House to descend ever so gradually towards Heskin Green and the quick drop down to the T-junction, where John managed a sneak through a gap and got a 10-second lead on the rest of us as he swooped down the last dip before the climb started proper. Here, I was glad of the cooling effect brought on by using no sleeves whatsoever as it was already pretty warm and muggy and I managed a few overtakes prior to cresting the climb at the Charnock Richard motorway crossing, where we had a couple of roadworks ramps to deal with, before turning left at the mini-roundabout for BuyaBike. It's never open on Sundays until nearly lunchtime so there was no chance of sticking my head in to see if they had Allan's Venge, but the last time I was in there they were plugging the Merida Scultura and Reacto Disc models; I tried the Scultura and didn't want to give it back (how much must Stephen being enjoying his S3, then). We stuck to the A49 for simplicity purposes but in a foretaste of things to come, I lost oodles of time every time we went downhill, sometimes being dropped at 35mph only to have to make up a bundle of time on the next climb. Eventually we turned off the rollercoaster just after the Euxton turn-off to take a back road route to the A674 past the David Lloyd health club, where an Audi driver was particularly courteous in letting us through. Now onto the main road, our first climb of the day was just round the corner, the Col de Brinscall.

ANYONE WHO'S NOT ON A SPECIALIZED, I'M KILLING (OK DAN YOU CAN GO THROUGH)

As we began the climb the tensions began to rise and Stephen was already making comments about when would I make my move. Well, there were two riders up ahead who unbeknown to us were also on their way to Belmont, and I decided to go full Luke Jackson; see rider, chase rider. This worked a treat as I rounded them up and went past but I was conscious that someone was still on my wheel. I assumed it was one of ours, but in fact Dan Styler, who together with Lindsey has been a star at open time trials this year, glued himself to my derriere and upon reaching the top of the climb he bombed past leaving me to hold off Lindsey before the rest of the HMCC crew arrived. That got the juices flowing nicely for the descent into Brinscall itself so we went round the outside of Twist Moor Lane and past the pumping station towards the A675, where we thought we might start seeing compression socks, tri-bars and deep section wheels. Well, we turned right onto the main road but it soon dawned on us that the route didn't go this way any more, not even in the opposite direction, but rather we would see the riders as they came off the Roman Road. For now we plugged on up the gradual ascent for Tockholes, mainly riding single file given how busy the road was, but we also picked up another rider in an old team trade jersey I didn't recognise. With our ranks now swelled to seven riders we finally reached the top of the drag and awaited the "look at me my frame and wheels are more aero than yours" moment courtesy of Allan who flew away on the descent while I simply couldn't get my 150lb weight to go any faster downhill than 28mph (feeble I know) and as such I was relieved to get to the pub with the others still somehow behind me. Now we could start cheering the riders as they came through, park up for vegan delights, or both.

IT'S TORTE-URE TIME, ESPECIALLY IF CHINOOK'S AROUND (NO ALE REQUIRED)

My first mission was to round up team Styler who'd dropped us after Brinscall. it was particularly good to catch up with Lindsey who's got a set of Roval CLX wheels on her Tarmac and would no doubt have dropped me on the run-in to Belmont. Once I'd left them to their devices I grabbed a coffee from inside the pub while others were alreadyh onto their 4th pint of cider, and then went outside to get a good view of the riders, including Thatto Cycles' Phil Ellison who was on his way to winning his age group by just 20 seconds, Eddie Hirst who would later grab a Kona slot of his own, and the HMCC favourite Chris who would end up being chased up the hill by John with a camera/microphone (delete as you wish). The funniest pic of the day, and the Reject award winner, was undoubtedly Ale Man whose luminous kit matched his bike wheels perfectly, but who had a Union Jack helmet! No idea how many ALES that required to actually make such bad purchases (it's amazing what you do when you lose control of your fingers) but suffice to say we turned our attentions quite rapidly to the second lap of the bike course where already we had several people struggling to turn the pedals, but not Chris; he was in fine spirits and was only too happy to talk to John once again as he began the climb. In the midst of all this drama, I cooled off in the pub because in a genius move not even Lewis Hamilton could have made, I spotted the vegan chocolate and orange torte with vegan vanilla ice cream! That was my cafe stop sorted, and all washed down with another black coffee. This would pay dividends on the return home, for which we were told to follow the race route over Belmont, as long as we didn't get in anyone's way.

HOW TO HIDE IN A RACE - GO INCOGNITO AND BUY A NEW HELMET

We set off up the climb thanks to a couple of spectators giving us push starts (permitted for us, not for the racers) and set about passing as many TT bikes as we could. This climb being the less difficult version of Belmont was probably the sole concession the organisers made considering they wanted to make the rest of the route as tough as possible, but don't tell Boardman TT Man, who was past me on the descent as soon as the road turned straight. He and many others flew past me and I was only too relieved to get to the reservoir road where I got to wave at a few friends from Penny Lane Striders, who must have thought I'd actually bought a last-minute entry. Well, not this time, they were really there to cheer on Tony Woodsy, but for our part Paul Hargreaves AKA MR "CARM ON CHINOOK" was parked up at the T-junction. Unlike Craig Diley and Kenny Madden, who'd nearly rugby-tackled me at the Black Dog, Paul didn't even recognise me flying past, then again he probably hasn't seen much of me recently given I've changed helmets to bright yellow and shamefully haven't been on many of the SMHBYWI rides (returning this Sunday though). Eventually the group reformed and we would begin to retrace our steps on a fairly well-known route through Adlington, past the White Horse pub and the road to Coppull. I always attack this road as a memory to the time a few years ago on TDF Final Day when Dean Higham hit approximately 56.28mph on this descent and left us losing the will to live. But no beast mode then, no HMCC Hillclimb podium three months later. That was also the first ride Rick Taylor ever joined us on and I still remember his own-brand frame like it was yesterday, as such I can't wait for August 11th and the Manley Mere triathlon as a perfect tribute to the great man even if John Faz is disgusted that it's a sprint triathlon not an Ironman. For our part, we turned right at the Thyme and Plaice, now on a reverse of the old IMUK route where we saw plenty of riders coming the other way. We went left at the new build houses over the bridge, the left again for Standish where I was left out on the front and would get to see if anyone wanted to play wind-up merchant. Amazingly, no-one did, happy to reach the Pepper Lane Chippy in one piece, before turning towards Wiggo Corner and across the carriageway through the No Entry sign (haha) before going downhill all the way to Appley Bridge. Here, we turned left at the station before climbing up Lees Lane. I thought that might be it for climbing and practicality purposes but two things really pushed me mentally here. First, John wanted to climb the Beacon and secondly it turned out that Allan also lives on Noel Gate. So, no more easy cool downs at the end of Sunday rides any more either..........

THAT'S THE END OF THE RIDE, BUT NOT THE END OF THE RACE - JUST LIKE A TRIATHLON

John suggested Hillock Lane as a side road to reach the Beacon. This was good for a first hit-out, but once we reached the Beacon proper I was only too happy to get to the church without having to stray further from home. Obviously I pay too much attention to data (that's what Faz said) and I should simply throw the stopwatch away and just do everything as hard as possible. John turned left at Whalleys leaving me and Allan to do the inevitable; rejoin and split on every ascent/descent (I think you can guess which way round) before finally achieving peace in our time just before the Plough left-right for Westhead. Here, I showed Allan what the West Lancs Triathlon bike route looks like (I'm sure Rob Macleod will be delighted) and turned towards the A570 before a quick left-right onto Scarth Hill Lane. Here, I nearly lost £40 worth of bike computer as the head unit fell off, but I saved it before a car managed to drive over the top and keep my pizza and Strongbow money for later. It wasn't long before we reached the bottom of the Col de Noel Gate - also known as my ultimate SMHBYWI straight at the end of beast run sessions - and I parked up leaving Allan another 400 or so metres to slog up the hill and home. And after a quick pasta dish it was off to Hindley station for a ride to Bolton where we saw Chris finish in just over 12 hours and Charlie Taktak, the youngest entrant in this year's race, complete the course in 16:13:18 in what was surely the performance of the day while I simply stuffed myself with vegan pizza from Papa John's and had a Strongbow from the stall in the city square. What a perfect day of sport, so much so that I've only just caught up with Julien Alaphilippe in the Tour!

Now for the results, brought to you by Papa John's:

Distance: 84.28km

Time: 2:58:21

Average Speed: 28.35kmh

Specialized Riders: 4

Cervelo Bikes: 4

Hors Cat Climbs: 2

Coffees Consumed: 2

Ultimate Vegan Fat B*****d Moments: 2, a vegan cake and the PJ's Pizza

REJECT OF THE RIDE: Ale Man

(The things people will do to try and take my fancy dress title, honestly)

That's the longest weekend ever brought to a close. But don't forget the Rick Taylor Tribute on August 11 in Frodsham. I know it's only a sprint tri but I've had a few age group wins down the years in such races, now it's your turn, what's stopping you? Go on, get your entry in today!