S is for Super Sweet 16 in the South Lakes

For the 16th round of my 2017 season, and the last ever trip for the Ford Fiesta to a race day, I made the long journey north this morning for the Epic Events Kendal Sprint Triathlon. This event has always been a popular one and on this occasion it attracted nearly 300 participants, including Kev Dunbar who's done more running races than Rick Taylor's done bike races, and Rebecca Smith, who as you know has already got my vote for HMCC club champion 2017. She was already finished by the time the men got started and before the start I got a good discussion with Andy Fisher, whose wife Jeanette was on her way to winning the F40-44 division. I made my way in to the surprisingly warm leisure centre, collected my race number and then parked the Jaguar in the pit lane. From here I joined two of my teammates at the poolside ready for race briefing but it turned out they're faster swimmers than me (shock horror) and as such would be in the next wave. Finally, with the clock past the 11am mark I made my way into lane 1 to join the legend that is POMMY from the Endurance Store, as in the greatest bit of race management in the history of race management, me and him were in the same lane. Cue the ambulance? Well not just yet..........

My first few lengths went pretty well and I was pleased to keep a good rhythm up but while POMMY escaped, me and the other two in my lane couldn't get out of each other's way as we chopped and changed positions like a fruit machine. Luckily there were no wrong way incidents like in Fleetwood earlier in the month and I was out on dry land a little quicker than normal, before a right faff around with my bike shoes at the pool exit door saw me drop more time. T1 was dispatched in just over half a minute (got to get some proper pedals for flying starts methinks) and I could chase Cervelo S5 Man down at the zebra crossing to begin the two loop bike course.

We almost didn't make it onto the loop as both me and S5 Man completely missed the sharp turn for Natland. Bit early for a YOLO, first corner of the bike course? Thought so. The road then climbed up to the start of the two-lap loop which had one snarling person in a BMW saying to a marshal "they should be told to GO SLOWER"..........who did they think they were talking to? Anyway the course itself was quite gravelly in places and progress was further slowed by a horse and yet another BMW fighting over the same piece of Tarmac as me, but upon cresting the climb the main road appeared and I could set off after many a slow road biker. The left turn off the main road was quite unnerving with the road ridges bringing back painful memories of the Fred Whitton but I handled them well enough, less so the descent under the railway bridge where POMMY appeared on his P3 and we both tried to pass Cannondale Synapse Man (an endurance bike on a triathlon?) who couldn't decide whether he'd done one or two laps. I shouted MOVE and he duly obliged but POMMY was well through and I didn't think I'd see him again. On the second lap I came across Cervelo P2 Man (nice choice that Rebecca, why not give Alan Treanor a ring?) and Planet X Aero Road Bike Man both of whom must have been delighted to get overtaken by me just before my "chicken out" descent with Planet X Man taking to the gravel to pass me. With a shrewd TT bike purchaser, a Planet Flex devotee and the BMW drivers now thinking "who the f*** gave this guy a sponsorship deal" I decided to use the downhill return to transition to go Charlotte Newton BADASS on these two miscreants so pedalled furiously to get rid of them on the run in to T2. We then enjoyed a three man race out of the pit lane and I pulled away from them as we started the best bit, the hilly 5k to finish.

The first 100 metres were really greasy but as I turned the corner to get onto terra firma, I saw 312 in front of me. I know what you're thinking, Emma had come out of retirement to race today? No, 312 happened to be POMMY, who was most bemused when he had yours truly for company when crossing the road through the traffic. I weaved through the gate and from here it was a short run through the trees then a long, uphill drag of over a mile, which would have probably made me lose the will to live if I hadn't done it even tougher at the Leek fell race last month. The left turn onto the main road cycle track was a massive relief and at this point I went to John Farrington mental mode thinking "I can do anything" so I increased the stride length and picked off many runners including a few from Ulverston, another race venue I'd like to try in 2018, and one of numerous people who must have got a black tag deal on a Planet X Tri suit last November. The zebra crossing still had to be negotiated but I went round the hairpin into the leisure centre and did one final YOLO sprint, eventually crossing the line in a time of 1:05:02, good enough for 16th overall in my 16th race of the season and 5th in my age group.

After crossing the line I looked down at my timing chip only to see my right ankle covered in blood; I know Charlotte is the indestructible one and I have the fragility of Cheryl whoever-she-is-currently-dating (who is that Liam bloke again) but I couldn't even remember how I did this one. Had I accidentally CHINOOK'D the horse? In any case I couldn't leave until the ankle had been cleaned and a plaster put on; I think they should just order an ambulance  every time I come to the Lake District before anything actually happens to me. However, it turned out that someone had indeed come off on the bike course and the actual ambulance was tending to him; here's hoping it is not too serious and he comes back stronger. With all formalities done it was time to put the bike in the car, eat an oat bar to stop me from CHINOOKING someone at 70mph on the M6 and drive home as fast as possible, before yet another quick turnaround had me out the door for 2:30pm and off to the Ormskirk food and drink festival. Here, I had a miniscuke kebab and a fantastic gourmet burger plus three pints of real ale while trying to cool down, but I did get to meet up with people from various local societies plus the owner of Liquid bar, where I'll be going on Tuesday night for the Champions League game (hashtag beattherusskies) After a spectacular hot chocolate with both fudge and hundreds and thousands sprinkled on top I walked home, booting up the iPad just in time to see the Denver Broncos lose their 100% record all thanks to some really stupid decisions by both the head coach and starting quarterback (if we sign Colin "kneel down" Kaepernick to take over at QB Donald Trump will no doubt make an appearance on the sideline next Sunday) All in all a great day out, and next up is the beginning of the cross country season on 14 October at Heaton Park!

Now for the results, powered by today's best beer, Anderson Amber Ale:

Distance: 400m/20km/5k
Time: 1:05:02
Final Position: 16th
Horses: 1
BMWS: 2
POMMY sightings: 3
Medical Emergencies: 1 over a bloody ankle
Post Race Nutrition: 9/10 (only knocking one off because the kebab was so small. But the beers were great)

REJECT OF THE RACE: Obnoxious BMW Driver
(If they thought I was cornering "too fast" what would they have made of a real pro like our Rebecca?)

Time to get 150 words off to the paper. I really could do with penning a 2018 schedule and drawing a line under the serious stuff for this year. But when the plans include your first half Ironman, it's always worth it!