The East Midlands Epic II - Double Dirty Dozen Edition

In October 2009, after four years of riding a bike, I left my first cycling club. It didn't take long for me to join up with Catlike helmets expert Derek Ireland at Ashurst Bike Club (this being the year when Thor Hushovd brought team kitty to everyone's attention by winning the green jersey at the Tour de France). One of the first news stories on the club website was their involvement in the "organised chaos" known as the national club relays held every year at the National Watersports Centre in Nottingham, a city known for Robin Hood, Brian Clough and unfortunately in recent years gun crime. At long last I was about to experience the madness of the biggest Bank Holiday party south of Creamfields as I made the long trip south and east down the M6 and across the A50 into the East Midlands. I stopped at Starbucks Uttoxeter for a protein packed second breakfast of poached egg, chorizo and potato only to find the toilet roll department hadn't done their job properly. Only three pieces of loo roll on the floor - how thoughtful of them.  It was only about another 40 miles east to the race venue but I passed numerous turn-offs for Leicester, which as you can imagine gave me goosebumps from a year ago when I did that never-to-be-forgotten half marathon that will live in St Helens Tri folklore. Eventually I turned off the A50 and reached Holme Pierrepont where I was directed to a car parking space and could unpack the car to start getting my race kit down to the spectator area ready for the afternoon race. You get plenty of time to set up if you're in the mixed relay as the race start is 1:45pm, but in the few hours prior to the start I had a rear wheel issue to fix plus a team Splash Flash and Dash race pack to collect and then a reminder from teammate Caroline that sun cream really is a great idea if you want to stay unboiled in a wetsuit. We got our heads around the race rules and running order while the hours and minutes ticked down and two hours prior to starting I ran to the cafe to down a quick vegetable pasta dish and bottle of water, which would come in very handy on such a hot day. Finally, Peter Fairclough made his way down to the start line and with the rest of us waiting in the relevant swim pens the 2017 National Club Relays could begin.

Caroline handed the wristband to me after she exited the water and I was off and running into the lake. I thought I was going well until it became apparent that a few teams had left their fastest swimmers until last and as such I was swamped by half a dozen people before reaching the first turning point. I was astute enough to hold a couple of people off at the corner and then got back past a few fast starters on the short chute between the turning points, but then things became progressively tougher as a person from the previous wave edged me away from the jetty where we had to leave the water and as such my final time was only marginally quicker than in Capel Curig a few weeks ago. In any case it was time to finish the first job and hand over to Peter and Rachael Fairclough who would spearhead our challenge on the bike course. I took the  hour long break very leisurely, eating the remainder of the chocolate orange loaf cake (reduced to 25p on Tuesday evening at the Co-op) and prepared the bike shoes ready for a waddle around in not quite bare feet (the joys of a relay event being that you have time to put socks on) and as Caroline Stalker came into the pit lane aboard her Cervelo P2 I was ready to grab the bike and set off for three laps around the lake, or to put it another way the world's biggest stadium.

The bike course is a real blast as long as you can force your way past the road and mountain bikes, though to be fair there weren't many of those. The first victim of note for me was someone aboard a green and blue Giant Trinity who was dispatched at the double left-hander at the back of the circuit while others on various road bikes were overtaken on the back stretch into the wind. I don't think I ever really got to grips with the last two left handers as they were both very tight, but on the last lap in particular I successfully dealt with a couple of over-eager fast starters who left the pits in a rage trying to make time up (remember, being our last man to go I was still over two laps ahead on the road) and as such it was great to glide into the pits and hand the wristband to Peter so he could start the run and pick up as many positions as possible. Again I had a wait of about an hour so drank as much water as I could (cue "do you want a drink? No thanks for asking" as in the Jax Jones song over the speakers) , cooled myself off in the bathroom and got as much shade from the scorching sun, even resorting to taking a running cap to the changeover point where I kept my legs moving with dynamic swings and movements ready for the numbers to be read out, with the idea being that you don't leave the waiting area for the handover zone until your number is called. 226 was read out just after 5pm which meant it was time to collect the wristband once more and put the hammer down for one lap of the park including an off road, hilly first half and a fast flat finish.

The opening kilometres were difficult in the energy sapping heat and I only picked up a few positions on the gravel hill but on the descent I got my cadence up and one benefit of being last to go was that I didn't have to worry about oncoming cyclists when overtaking other runners. Only trouble was, my ear and my stomach were playing up as the nerves in my neck and shoulder were frying alive even with the cap set rearwards and I was only aware of how well we were doing when I started passing people with yellow race numbers on as per the final wave. Some were dispatched rather easier than others but as the finishing gantry came into view I could see one man all over the place trying to sprint. This led to you-know-what: the YOLO! He was going right then left but I guessed left which proved to be right (correct that is) and overtook him with about 100 metres to go and subsequently hammered it through the final 20 seconds to ensure that Splash Flash and Dash took out 23rd overall, while placing ninth in the country at our age group and first St Helens Tri team home!

I was on the floor in pieces after the toughest, hottest YOLO ever and needed assistance to get up and collect a cup of energy drink so it was something of a relief for my teammates when I reappeared as they thought I'd fainted. Truth be told that's probably what it looked like given I passed out twice this week after push-past-the-limit training sessions and I was still incapable of talking coherently when Stephen Webb brought me a cup of alcohol free lager from Erdinger. I downed that quicker than any pint I've ever consumed then went back to the tent and got one of my own. In doing so I passed the TFN mechanics and thanked them for fixing my bike at such short notice; without their assistance I would have had to use someone else's spare set and let's be honest we put in too much training to use slow wheels so why not push your best set to the limit? We did endless team photos while waiting for the others to finish, but one guy from another team won the reject award because he ran the wrong side of the gate at the finish funnel and had to vault the barriers, costing him a position! After our last man crossed the line we packed everything away and made our way to the campsite. Some went straight home and most camped overnight but I just stayed for the BBQ after making a quick trip to Morrisons where I contributed pasta salad, stuffed peppers and reduced to 9p bread rolls. Helen and David did a brilliant job with the burgers and kebabs at our base while the cheese slices went down a treat particularly with Diane who consumed as much of the yellow stuff in one evening as a mouse does in a week, but come 11pm it was time to think "Sunday ride" and make my way to the car whereupon I began a long but very happy drive home, stopping at Sandbach services for a Costa hot chocolate. I got home just before 1:30am and still made it out in time to join a ride the next day, not that I had much energy left. What a brilliant weekend, one which must surely go on the list for 2018!

Now for the results, powered by Erdinger Alcohol-Free Lager:

Distances: 500m/15k/5k four times
Time: around 3 hours 35 minutes
Final Position: 23rd and 9th in division
Sticky Pedal Cleats: 1
Bathroom Breaks: 2, both to cool my head down
TT Bikes Overtaken: 3
Ducks: 2
Most Epic Moment of the Day: The YOLO at the end which left me on the floor at the finish line

REJECT OF THE RACE: He Who Missed The Finish Chute
(Not least because he lost a YOLO finish to an arch rival)

Time to round up all the other results from today. Best organise the calendar properly so we can get to Bank Holiday weekend 2018 and do it all over again!