The East Midlands Epic 3: Leicester Tigers Edition

It was time to test the left leg out one final time before getting the Total Fitness team onto it as the 2018 triathlon season drew to an early end for me at the iconic Holme Pierrepont Watersports Centre in Nottingham. First of all, though it was another Chinook Jet Set featuring the Leicester Tigers as I made my way down to Forest Hills golf club for lunch on the Friday. After taking in a few of the sights and sounds of well-spoken genteels whacking round balls into holes it was back to the place that gives me goosebumps, Leicester city centre, where I took on that never-to-be-forgotten half marathon back in October 2016. I parked up at the Quora Regent where I tried out the door, and after memorising a six-digit code (*) and a four-digit number (HASHTAG) I could drop the suitcase and J-Lo the Jaguar in the apartment before traipsing into the city centre. There, I walked across the John Lewis walkway where the runners fly under just before the YOLO point of the Leicester half and full marathons on race day, which this year is set for 14 October. It was a tough decision as to where to eat, but in the end I settled for Fernandez grill house where not only do they offer a delicious vegan burger styled as pure junk food heaven but also a chocolate and coconut tart which was so good it was almost an unfair advantage for them to have over other less up-to-date eateries. I paid up and walked back up the hill to Welford Road, where the crowds were already gathering for the preseason game against London Irish. With my newly-acquired Leicester Tigers jersey as one of three different layers, given it was a freezing August night, I took my place next to Gary and Claire who used to live in Southport but moved to the friendliest city in the country five years ago (friendly because even the security guards in the shopping centre couldn’t have been more helpful in pointing me back to the rugby ground). The game was absolutely brilliant and I have to say London Irish should bounce straight back up if they play like I know they can, but in the end the Tigers were just too good for them and six booms led to a 46-17 final score, despite a rather amusing sequence at the end where half the Tigers team got yellow cards in a desperate attempt to be first cabs off the rank. For me, there was no cab required, just a 600 metre walk back to base where I could rest for the night before the big one in Notngham the following day.

The Quora Regent doesn’t offer breakfast but I knew where the golf club was so retreated back there where I knew the bike would be safe and ordered a vegan full English (that’s not an oxymoron) before heading back north up the A46 to Nottingham. Unbeknown to me, we had a team racing in the morning but no less than eight in the afternoon. As such I was in the position of team leader having elected not to use the Chinook Cheetahs name and retain the Splash Flash and Dash moniker adopted by Rachael Fairclough last year. Mark was already at the venue and was on time to collect the swim caps and race numbers but Che and Maxine were stuck in traffic, Che managing to have two sat navs go wrong on him in the act of getting there! With his technology already making an early bid for the Reject of the Race award I hurriedly set about preparing the race kit and deciding on which items to eat from the salad bar, where you could get an unlimited plate for just £3.50. That’s almost as good as a full English for a fiver at the golf club! Eventually we had a team of four to race, by which I’d eaten half of the couscous and salad greens available to the entire population of Nottinghamshire, and had a panic attacks when I saw that Che had deeper wheels than me - 88mm, in case you were wondering. No, I don’t think I should be trusted with them either. Come 1:45pm me and Maxine were in the starter’s holding area ready for the starting horn to go and with the race briefing done and dusted, Maxine set off and the 2018 National Club Relays were underway.

Maxine was flying in the water and was one of the top 20 reaching the jetty, but strangely the timing chips didn’t pick this up. As such, I was off second and although I was nice and warm from the sunlight, the chill of the water completely wiped out my ability to breathe properly, a situation not helped by having picked up a virus on the Thursday night before the race. Even so, I was going pretty well until I reached the first buoy when I took the corner as tight as possible only for someone to land on top of me, nearly sink me and knock my goggles off sideways so I was now sighting out of my left eye only. This made looking for the jetty much harder and it only got worse when someone with a red cap (in other words getting LAPPED by me, how are they still alive) stopped in front of me and got CHINOOK’D meaning I had go round the red triangle. Here, I thought “this is the jetty” only to get confronted by the wrong piece of dry land meaning I had to scramble to the inflatable overhead gantry in around twelve minutes. As it turned out the timing system didn’t pick this p and as such gave me a time of 9:38 but both me and Maxine knew we had the wrong times. Che and Marko then got in the water and showed everyone how it should be done and then Maxine set off on the bike to get part 2 on the road.

She was back to the pitlane in under half an hour (even though the system had her down as a sub-25) and after a great T1 I was off onto the Nottingham Speedway for three laps round the lake. The first lap was brilliant, indeed I hit 28mph towards the dogleg turn at the back which was so much easier on Challenge Criterium tyres than Michelin Pro 4’s (indeed go and buy a pair now before I get the remaining 23mm models, then again I might need a new frame soon read on) but progress for the first headwind stretch amounted to little more than a load of red-numbered people as in those who were being put another lap down. I blasted out of the double-left hander at the end of the lap and began lap two, but as I hit the little road ridge before the telephone box my base bar and extensions suddenly sloped downwards! This happened in Birmingham on admittedly a far tougher course, but it was unnerving in the extreme especially when Disc Wheel Man vaulted past me as I was taking a few more stragglers. Maybe I need a Cervelo P3 after all……Anyway, I was off the headwind stretch having rarely dropped below 24mph despite the best efforts of my bike and the birds at the roadside to throw me off and now I could begin one final hammer time of a lap where I came across a few teammates, including Myka heard and Charlie Taktak as we rounded the final corner into the pits. Here, I just about got the open tubular tyres stopped before the dismount point and handed the rubber band to Che so he could set off on the deepest wheels not called full discs, and then Mark who was ever so close to my time despite not actually owning a TT bike (though I do like the way he does his Di2, on the drop bars and the extensions, nice job there). With the bike course having restored my reputation somewhat I could get changed and sort myself out ready for the run.

Maxine completed the first leg of the run in under 20 minutes and now it was my turn to see what happens when you don’t get the chance to do beast mode runs four times a week. Had this been a solo race I’d have withdrawn weeks ago, but I was determined not to let my teammates down and as such I set about trying to pass a guy from Hillingdon Triathletes who set off around ten seconds ahead. I caught him at the top of the hill, but on the descent he was much quicker and though I made several attempts to overtake I just didn’t have the long-stride speed to get past. Eventually I hit the longest pit straight I’ve ever known which just kept ticking on interminably to the 19 minutes mark and I could finally park up in the holding area having handed the wristband to Che after clocking a disappointing 19:14, which was only good enough for 11^th in that segment (we never found out if my sub-22 bike split would have topped the same standings). Che and Marko finished the job off in consummately professional style, running down the finish chute together as they put on a late show good enough for 11^th overall and 5^th in the under-40 mixed category to round off a day when our Team GB athletes very much saved the day.

We waited for the other St Helens Tri teams to come in, with particular entertainment value coming from “Don’t Tri This At Home” featuring Emma Austin, George Houghton, Charlie Taktak and Bethany Forber who even found their way into the “trilikeme” box for a team pic (they couldn’t fit all 36 of us in). After a few minutes on the ground with a bottle of Coke trying to regain movement in my left leg I could join the others in packing things up and musing over just how much speed I’d lost over the last few weeks (brilliant bike leg excepted) and move things to the car in preparation for a Morrisons raid for vegan goodies. Here, I infuriatingly had to pay full price for everything except the quinoa and sweet corn bites; maybe in ten year’s time I’ll have learned where the reduced section is. I brought them back to base for a quick catch-up with Myka and Mal and, after finding there are about 50 ways to pack a tent away I left the Garston division to head home and join the rest of my teammates at the campsite. I’m not sure who was in charge of the play list but it kept everyone entertained, though I‘ve no idea how we got onto a discussion about frog-related music. Even more surprisingly, very few remembered CRAZY FROG (Axel F) which is ideal own age music for rugby games when the away team loses a fumble/throws an interception/misses a kick at goal (unless you ARE the away team). Come 11pm it was time to drive home as fast as possible to try and get inside for something close to 1:30am and write off the following morning’s ride due to a combination of being exhausted and the appalling weather but well done to everyone who raced, let’s go again next year!

Now for the results, in association with the Quora Regent, Leicester:

Distances: 500m/15k/5k Times Four

Final Team Time: 3:31:12

Final Position: 11^th overall, 5^th in category

Stupid Swimmers: 2

Suicidal Geese: at least 10

Suspect Stems: 1

Teammates Overtaken: 3

Post Race Nutrition: 7/10 (All-vegan Indian snack selection, olives and 13 Guns IPA - shame Morrison’s are bottom of my Vegan Power Rankings for not having any plant based burgers for the BBQ)

REJECT OF THE RACE: The two roadblocks in the water

(One for going for a gap that didn’t exist and then blocking me, the other for stopping and getting lapped/CHINOOK’D)

That’s it for me this weekend then. Time to catch up with the Belgian Grand Prix. In the meantime have a look at the Liverpool Century Road Bike Only TT on Saturday 8 September, there’s a TT bikes version on the same day too. And what about the Capernwray Fireworks 500 metre open water swim two days before bommy night? Go on, you know you want to, I’ll supply the 13 Guns, you supply the team car!